insert witty title here.. im too tired to think of one.

In the theme of being honest with you guys and myself.. I did not make it onto the treadmill last night. My monthly gift showed up in the afternoon and put me in a state of pain for most of the afternoon. I did however pop a few Tylenol and dance for a bit with cailyn in the kitchen while I made dinner.. It counts for something right? I do appreciate all the motivating words though. I was just in a lot of pain yesterday. You and I both know its an excuse but I'm making it.. sorry.
 
    Last night Ashlin slept all night, it would have been great if I wasn't awake laying in the fetal position hoping I wasn't going to throw up. Even though the plus side would've been losing a little weight :P*only kidding I know that bulimia is a serious disease, if you or some one you know suffers from this or any eating disorder please contact someone who can help* I didn't get sick but I still feel uneasy today. I managed to have an english muffin for breakfast and didn't even want to eat that! I am trying to take this morning in little bits and if anything I know my eating will be ok today, Ive got some progresso chicken noodle soup and some ginger tea.

   I don't have a ton to write about this morning so I guess I will go into the whole body image thing a little more.  I always feel like alot of skinny women talk about how they have fat days.. or when they look in the mirror they feel fat. My problem is different. When I lost all that weight after high school I looked great. And even a 100 lbs+ heavier I still see that girl in the mirror. Sure I have days when i feel my size but most days I look in the mirror and see  who I once was. It's only in photos or a glimpse in a mirror or window do I see what everyone else sees. It makes it tough. I can look in the mirror and think I look great in an outfit then come to find it its anything but flattering. If I had a ton of money I am sure it would help the situation but I cant see dropping 500$ at torrid just a for a few pair of jeans and a cute top. It's hard enough to get the motivation to get dressed some morning but knowing I spent that much Id keep those items behind glass never to be touched!! I think this is why I am so excited to loose my first 30 lbs. I think this will put me comfortably in a normal size at a normal store and it wont be so hard to be fashionable on a budget. Next time you go somewhere that has a plus size section take a look at half the clothes there... they look like two squares of fabric sewn together. Seriously. Last time I checked I wasn't a square.. more like a stack of different sized tires. But not a square. So I have decided that when i loose that 30 lbs.. i get a new outfit :P