Friday, April 5, 2013

What is Sexy?

Has anyone else seen that new Victoria Secret commercial with the oh so tiny and ridiculously long legged women, prancing around a sport car in their 32C and size xs bra and panties? And the words scrolling on my screen are "What Is Sexy?"
  I know for some men, this is what makes their, ahem, motors rev. But this isn't always the case. However according to media (and apparently Gwenyth Paltrows new cookbook?) Being thin is what is sexy. Hip bones, collarbones, and rib cages you could play a song on are todays ideals of a perfect women. Well as shocking as it is, I barely anyone I know looks like this *insert huge gasp here!!!* Yes I have my thin friends, and my long legged friends.But I also have bigged boobed friends, petite all over friends, friends with hips that don't lie and some that have bellies that shake when they laugh. And guess what? I love them all, I find them all beautiful.
 Recently I took a trip with my better than average but still in the average category husband and my two tiny kiddos. I keep looking through photos, trying to find images of people in the crowded who are disgusted, or throwing up at the sight of me. Well guess what? I can't find any. Weird right? Well I thought so too. Because according to societies ideas, everyone should shutter and cringe at the sight of me. Being in the same room with me should make them all cower in fear and pray to whoever and whatever that they don't catch this horrible, life ruining disease called FAT. All I see in my pictures is a happy family, and people who could care less about what I look like.
 For me sexy isn't my number when I step on that scale. It isn't about how great my bones look sticking out from body. It is about me, being happy in my skin. I know people are worried for my health, hell I am worried about my health. But I am happy. I am happy with who I am. I don't look in the mirror and cringe and cry and beat myself up. I look and see how my eyes light up when I smile, and how ok I am with my naked body. I don't need Victoria or anybody else and their secrets to define to me what is sexy. And I don't think they should be defining it for anybody else either. We need to learn to love ourselves for who we are and what we offer as human beings, not what we look like standing next to a sports car half naked.
 I am taking part in a campaign via facebook called I Love EveryBODY (check out their fb page and show them some love.) It is important for everyone to love and accept themselves and others for who they are and not hate on them for how they look.
 I am proud to be plus size, I love my curves, my stretch marks and my dimples. The ones on my face and the ones on my ass. I think I am beautiful and sexy. But if I was born thin, I would embrace that too. It is all about loving what you are working with today and not worrying about how to change it for tomorrow. Love yourself and you are what sexy is.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

This is that moment.

Ive been heavy my whole life. A little chubby, a little curvy, and a little jiggly. But for hte first time in my life, I FEEL fat. I am starting to notice the effects and I don't like it. I keep having dreams of my waddling around with a cane at 30 years old an d by 35 I am in one of those motorized carts. Its more of a nightmare really. I just wish I could figure this out. My brain knows what I need to do, my body knows what I need to do, my heart knows what I want I just cant seem to put it all together at once and get my fat ass going. I keep using the tomorrow excuse and I am running out of tomorrows. I keep seeing all these success stories and I have been there once and I know how that feels. I need to find it inside me to make that push. I keep thinking different things will be the miracle and work and I always seem to fuck it up. AHHHH I just dont know what to do right now.  I need advice, recipes, workouts whatever it takes!! HELP ME !! lol

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Its what I hate

I have done an I love me post, I have done an I struggle post.. here is what I hate about me post. This is not a feel bad for me post. This isn't a fix me post. This is me, being honest about the things I hate about myself.

 First, I am really bad about making plans with people. I wish I wasn't but I am. I never send out those handmade invitations telling everyone to gather at my place. I don't call my friends up on a regular basis just to hang out. I don't know why, I just don't. It is a fault I have been trying to fix for years now. I just can't seem to do it. Also I am bitch. Not like a haha tell it how it is kind of bitch but I can be mean. REALLY mean. I don't have a filter and I don't have a stop button. You could be in front of me in tears and I will still proceed to tell you what a piece of shit I think you are. I get too wrapped up in people. I want to fix peoples issues and prove to them that they are better than what they give themselves credit for. Problem with that is, I come off too strong, too much, too fast. I have this fire inside of me that wants to connect to people. I can instantly tell if someone is worth it or not. Other people don't work that way and I don't understand it. I get mad when I feel rejected. I get sad when I feel forgotten. I want, no I need, to be involved in some sort of drama. Not like full on drag out fight drama. But I like to a good argument and I like to hear about other peoples problems. I judge people pretty quickly and I get super judgemental when I get jealous. And I often spout off those judgements without considering how people might feel.

I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. I have this amazing side of me that sometimes gets overshadowed by the shitty person I have grown to be sometimes. I want to help people, but wont hesitate to push them down and kick dirt on them. I will pick fights just because I want to prove that even if I'm not right, neither are you. I cross lines and blow through boundaries quicker than Usain Bolt crosses a finish line. Sometimes I wish I could tell the bitch in me to go to hell, but it's not that simple.

So in closing, here is my apology. To those have that have ever been caught in the crossfire of my inner battle between good and evil. It's been a long war and it is nowhere near over, so next time, bring protection.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Silence is the loudest noise there is.

Today is one of those days. One of those, everything sucks, I want normal life back, dont piss me off or you might get punched in the throat kind of days. I don't know what it is about this business trip that makes it harder for me. I've done 7 other deployments, a 7month stretch in ct, weeks and weeks of schools and trainings. But for some reason this one is the worst. I am grasping at straws on a daily basis to find some normalcy. I am up too late and wake up too early. I am rereading letters and emails. Staring at pictures and crying my eyes out. I can't seem to get out of my own head. I keep trying to tell myself that I am strong, I am independent. I've done this before and I have always survived. But then the scared codependent little girl inside starts crying. She needs the thing that comforts her. It's not a blanket. It's not a teddy bear. Its Lance. Lance is my comfort. He keeps me grounded. Makes my insane a little more sane. He is my everything. I love him more now, than I ever have before. I am made of gunpowder and he keeps me from exploding. I miss him so much today. I miss him everyday but today seems a little bit harder. I need him here, telling me at the end of the day how much he loves me. Giving me my goodnight kiss and giving me the comfort I need. I need that sense of safety and security that I get when I am with him. I always say I am not a princess, that I dont need saving. But today, I need my prince charming.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

hello 2013

It is official. It is 2013..and I am already 12lbs lighter!! Way to go me on being ahead of the game!! Today has been a little off because I woke up super later and have'nt been feeling that great. I am still on program but I am like 2 medifast meals behind..hoping it doesn't mess with my fat burn mode!! But that aside from all of that there are some other things in my life i would like to talk about

Recently via facebook, I got into what could be by far the most typical high school argument with someone. This is a person that I never really considered a friend so why I engaged in it all is beyond me. But throughout the "discussion" I was referred to as a bully, just like I was in high school. This made me really stop and think a lot yesterday about who I am and who I was. A ton of people came to my defense and said I was the farthest thing from a bully. Which made me feel really good. I know I have always been wicked. If you cast me in a movie, I would play the villain. The bad guy. I'd be a mean girl, an evil queen, a crazy sidekick to a more evil doer...That is just how I am. I have never been a sweet talker, a princess or the hero of a story. Sometimes I don't play well with others but it never comes from a place of malice. It always comes from not having the time or space in my life for people who don't have need to fill a spot. Is that wrong?? I make room for people all the time and I always give someone a fair shake before deciding if they are worth it or not. I don't try to be rude, it just sometimes comes out that way. I don't back down from people, I don't let people get away with things. If you messed up, I will call you on it. Why not? Own up to your mistakes and shortcomings and move forward. I expect people to call me on my things too though. I don't always like it but I always except it. I never want to be a victim. I never want to have to rely on someone else to fight my battles. I have worked long and hard to make myself resilient to the harshness in my life but it has come at a price to others I suppose . I can be vengeful. You want to take me on then do it but I don't play fair. I don;t stop until I feel Ive proven what I need to prove. But I don't ever think I have ever intentionally bullied someone. I don't seek out on a day to day basis attempting to make someones day awful. I never have. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of ridicule and rejection and in my life it has never been my initial intent to make someone feel that way. Yes my words can be harsh, yes my tone can cruel. But I never start out that way. I come with a warning label. It is in the contract of every friendship I enter into. It is giving to people before meeting me and it simply states this

"I am a really nice person, as long as you don't piss me off"

I have said it so many time I am considering it as my next tattoo... but its true. Don't give me a reason to react. Be my friend, stay positive and come at with negativity in a loving way. I will never see eye to eye with anyone....well maybe one or two people... but other than that, my views, feelings and beliefs run on their own track. All by themselves. I leave myself open daily to discussions and conversations that don't always go a way I had hoped or planned. But it doesn't end friendships or make me a bully..

I hope at least some of this made sense. I am a little tired and a little sick and honestly just a  little sick and tired of it all. Thanks for reading though.. it means a lot :)

Sunday, December 30, 2012


i normally dont believe in this stuff but i hope its right!

2013: Aquarius Overview

2013 is the year when all of your hard work starts to truly pay off in spades. Saturn, the cosmic taskmaster, is taking up residence at the tip top of your horoscope for the next few years, giving you the make-it-or-break-it impetus to get the job done right. You've been biding your time over the past few years, collecting the necessary research and finding a slew of inspiring mentors. Now is your chance to finally get your genius concepts on the map where they belong. Yours has been a slow-and-steady climb rather than a meteoric rise to the top, thus you've built a rock-solid foundation to carry your dreams through with serious staying power. Your success is anything but a flash-in-the-pan. Over the next two years, you'll continue to work hard to build on earlier accomplishments and integrate all that you started investing in since 2000. Not only do you have the power of Saturn at full strength in your career zone for the next few years, but the mutual reception between Saturn and Pluto will quickly make you a triple-threat genius. Watch as all your latent talents quickly come rushing to the fore.
The eclipse patterns of 2013 add speed and force to the career promise that the stars have in store for you. The push of the North Node provides a definite if not unexpected fast-forward motion to any projects that have been on the back burner. Get ready for supreme acceleration with worldly status -- and life changes galore. Your home zone will also get hit by the eclipse patterns, which could generate a change of residence or just a total renovation to your existing domicile. Either way, you're getting ready for the kind of life-altering transformation that works on you from the ground up.
The pleasure cruise that began last summer will continue straight through until June as Jupiter continues to bless your love zone. Romance, creativity and sheer joy are in great abundance during the first half of the year. Use the good fortune of Jupiter in your love house to spend most of your days doing what you love most with those you adore most. If your life feels more like play than responsibility, you're living well and in accordance with the stars. You can get down to business during the second half of the year when Jupiter shifts houses and brings the bounty to your work and health house in June. The latter part of the year will keep you busy, so allow yourself the pleasure before the workload starts piling up. 2013 is the perfect balance of business and leisure for you, Aquarius!

gonna party like 3012 tonight...

Ok, forget my awesome Justin bieber song reference for a moment and realize it is almost 2013!! WTF where did 2012 go? I spent all year hoping those effing mayans were way off that I didn't really get a chance to make the most of it! I am going to do better in 2013.

 First things first, me. I am going to be the best me that I can be. (cliche right?) I want to put 100% into loving myself, who I am and what I am doing. I dont want to look back and say "I should have, I wish I would have...." I want to sit back and say "hell yes I did that!" I want to make sure that every move I make in 2013 is a step towards making my happy. I love those around me but sometimes I put others ahead of my happiness and I just cant do it anymore. I'm going to start doing right by me. And I am going to stop wondering what people think of me. Why do I give a sh*t? I don't need anyones validation but my own.

I want to listen to music more often, dance the night away, catch some super awesome seattle games (seahawks, sounders, mariners) Go swimming a ton this summer and always always have an open door for those who just want to stop by. I want to surround myself with people that mean something. People I can learn things from and who I really truly admire and appreciate. No wasting my time with people who wont waste theirs for me.

I want to smile more. Smile at strangers, smile with friends, smile a ton with my kids and husband. I want to hug more, Because a good hug can make anything ok. I wanna be the person that people believe I can be. I dont want to let anyone down. I am ready for 2013, are you?