and not the totally awesome kind either. At different points throughout my life I have stopped and wonder why Im there. This is one of those times. The movie that is like my life is .....the wizard of oz. Ive got it all, I have a good witch watching over me, a bad one trying to get me, someone who needs a heart, another that needs a brain, and one thats just a coward. The wizard is there too, trying to make all the rules and seem all knowing and powerful but in real life is just a tiny person with a major complex. I am dorothy. Thrown into a world Ive never been too and left to find my own way home. I find myself a little bit along the way but still long for life to be back to normal.
But normal seems soo far away.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
a real computer!!
I am at my moms for a bit tonight so I am taking advantage of having an actual computer to blog from. This blog might get a bit long and wordy so proceed at your own risk :)
First off I am at 263.. 4 more lbs and I will be in the 250s. Still a whale but a smaller one none the less. Its hard sometimes to remember how big I really am *remember my skinny girl in the mirror post?* Especially since everyone is being so kind with their words to me. But alas, today I had a fat moment. I went cake testing with a good friend and bride to be, fine a few bites does me more good then harm * it gets my sweet tooth sweet enough without going overboard* Afterwards we went to Red Robin. I made a healthy choice and that's great. However her friend that came along with us had a baby. She set her carseat in the booth and we had to push the table back a bit, leaving me with a space that is adequate for a normal size person but for me it was a tight squeeze. It was the first time in months I have been truly embarrassed about my size. They ladies didn't make a big deal about it but I felt insecure. When I went to the bathroom, I couldn't help but look in the mirror and tell myself of disgusting I was... I guess it made it alot easier to order healthy instead stuff I shouldn't it. Call it what you will but it worked for me. I hate being reminded of what I really am on the outside.
I went to target yesterday and found this adorable long dress that i LOVE. One thing I don't love is the numbered sizing of plus size clothes. 1 *plus size* 2 *fat* 3 *fatter* and 4 *whale*. I mean sure I don't want to be reminded of my number but in the same sense I feel like the chart was created because a simple l xl and xxl wouldn't suffice. A bigger girls life is consumed by number. Calories, weight, how many oreos she can eat in a sitting without guilt, and now the clothes we buy come down to a number as well. I think its a horrible joke designed by skinny bitches to make me more aware of the extra fluff Ive got. Ugh. Bitches. LOL
All negativity aside I am feeling great. Tired lately but that's a given with 2 kiddos full time thanks to summer vacation! Im starting to feel more beautiful each and every day. and with the year half way over I am glad that this wasn't another year and another resolution wasted. I feel like even though I might not be on track to reach my goal by NYE I am well on my way to a healthier rest of my life. It better get ready because here I come!
First off I am at 263.. 4 more lbs and I will be in the 250s. Still a whale but a smaller one none the less. Its hard sometimes to remember how big I really am *remember my skinny girl in the mirror post?* Especially since everyone is being so kind with their words to me. But alas, today I had a fat moment. I went cake testing with a good friend and bride to be, fine a few bites does me more good then harm * it gets my sweet tooth sweet enough without going overboard* Afterwards we went to Red Robin. I made a healthy choice and that's great. However her friend that came along with us had a baby. She set her carseat in the booth and we had to push the table back a bit, leaving me with a space that is adequate for a normal size person but for me it was a tight squeeze. It was the first time in months I have been truly embarrassed about my size. They ladies didn't make a big deal about it but I felt insecure. When I went to the bathroom, I couldn't help but look in the mirror and tell myself of disgusting I was... I guess it made it alot easier to order healthy instead stuff I shouldn't it. Call it what you will but it worked for me. I hate being reminded of what I really am on the outside.
I went to target yesterday and found this adorable long dress that i LOVE. One thing I don't love is the numbered sizing of plus size clothes. 1 *plus size* 2 *fat* 3 *fatter* and 4 *whale*. I mean sure I don't want to be reminded of my number but in the same sense I feel like the chart was created because a simple l xl and xxl wouldn't suffice. A bigger girls life is consumed by number. Calories, weight, how many oreos she can eat in a sitting without guilt, and now the clothes we buy come down to a number as well. I think its a horrible joke designed by skinny bitches to make me more aware of the extra fluff Ive got. Ugh. Bitches. LOL
All negativity aside I am feeling great. Tired lately but that's a given with 2 kiddos full time thanks to summer vacation! Im starting to feel more beautiful each and every day. and with the year half way over I am glad that this wasn't another year and another resolution wasted. I feel like even though I might not be on track to reach my goal by NYE I am well on my way to a healthier rest of my life. It better get ready because here I come!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
a falling star
ever wish on a falling star? I used to do it all the time. Stopped for awhile when life had given me all i wished for. I used to wish for love, got it. I wished for healthy beautiful children. Done. Now I find myself wishing on them again. wishing for the strength to get through the next few months, the motivation to accomplish the goals ive set for myself, the discipline,the courage to make sure i am gstiing all i want out of my life and the understanding of what the hell that even means. i want an easy button. a real one. not that fake staples one. i want weight loss to be easy. i dont mind doing the work, i actually love the gym. im just ready for it to be over. the daily battle of wills between my fat kid and my skinny persona are at each others throats. my skinny chick will win tomorrow. and each day after that. if i was a gambler *and i totally am* i would place all mymoney on her.i just hope i dont go all in and end up losing it all.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
its working!
so i havent weighed myself in a week or so but i know everything i am doing is working. my clothes are fitting looser and ivd looked in the mirror a few times and thought...wow. im looking better. now is it this huge weight loss in a short amount of time? no. and i am ok with that. i dont need to do this drastic drop for any reason. yes i gave myself a goal and i am wokring towards that. but even if it takes me 2 years the point is is that i am changing my lifestyle. ive thought long and hard about quick fixes and not that there is anything wrong withthat its just not for me. so please keep on being my personal cheerleaders becausee its happening and that is really something the cheer about!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
silence is my worst enemy
Im in a funk. A private funk but a funk none the less. my brain wont turn off some nights and it sucks. i found out a few days ago that my end in sight isnt an end..more like a pause in my current situation. i hate being alone...i hate feeling alone..physically and mentally. i just wish i didnt feel so empty on some nights. Worrying about things makes me sick to my stomach..not a good thing when I am trying so hard to lose weight. but despite my funk, ill be at the gym tomorrow and continue on with life as planned.
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