Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Yesterday was amazing. My food was on track most of the day, my workout was awesome, I felt fantastic!! I owe a lot of it to something I read late Monday night on pinterest.com. I am going to share it with you guys now. I sometimes forget my "eat to live not live to eat" motto and this is a great way to fight of what I think is hungry even when I know its not. Here it is, take some advice, take it all, take none. Its helping me so it's worth sharing!

    1. Drink one glass of water every hour. It will make you feel full.
2. Drink ice cold water. Your body will burn calories just getting the water to a normal temperature to digest. Also it is great for your complexion.
3. Drink 3 cups of green tea daily. It will help boost your metabolism, plus its anti-oxidants make your skin look great.
4. Take vitamins daily. Do not take vitamins on an empty stomache, otherwise they have nothing to catalyze with.
5. Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.
6. Eat spicy foods. They raise your metabolism.
7. Take cold showers because your body will burn calories to heat you back up.
8. Brush your teeth so you won’t be tempted to eat afterwards. 9. Wear a rubberband around your wrist. Snap it when you want to eat.
10. Use smaller plates and utensils so it seems like you ate more.
11. Chew each bite of food thoroughly and then take a sip of water between bites. You will feel full quicker and will not eat as much.
12. Sleep at least six hours a day. If you get less than six this can lower your metabolism by 15%.
13. If you start to feel hungry do sit ups.
14. Pamper yourself! Give yourself a facial, paint your nails, anything to make you feel pretty.
15. Keep track of everything you eat to manage your weight better.
16. Keep good posture, burns 10% more calories when you sit up straight.
17. Make a list of all the “bad” foods that you crave and tend to binge on. Each day, pick one to take out of your diet that you cannot eat again. Take one off the list each day until there are no more bad foods you can have.
18. Avoid eating anything bigger than about a cup, your stomach will expand and then you’ll get hungry more.
19. The smell of coffee is thought to suppress appetite.
20. Wear applied lip gloss. It makes you more aware of what’s going in your mouth. Also, flavored ones may help with cravings.
21. Have 6 small meals a day.
22. Low calorie hot chocolate curbs chocolate cravings, and makes you feel full.
23. Take a picture of yourself wearing a bathing suit or something equally important to you, look at it before you want to eat. 24. It takes 20 minutes for the brain to realize the stomach is full.
25. Eat lots of fiber. It makes you feel full and takes fat with it out of your body. The natural cleansing helps improve both your energy level and overall feeling of wellness.
26. Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy, or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get to 100 you will have convinced yourself that you don’t really want it.
27. Celery actually burns calories. Every hour eat a stalk of it. Not only will it fill you up, but it will also get your metabolism kickin’.
28. Read the nutritional information. Remember, fat-free does not mean calorie-free.
29. Keep an eye on fiber content. Get as much fiber into your diet as you can, while cutting fat and calories.
30. Don’t eat a lot at once. Spread your food throughout the day. This will help to avoid binging and keep your metabolism going.
31. Avoid alcohol.
32. Do not eat in front of the computer or TV. This distracts you from recognizing you’re full.
33. Stay away from Slim-fast and other so-called “healthy” candy bars and shakes… one look at the nutrition facts will tell you why. Save yourself the money, and the calories. Buy yourself some flowers instead -- they make you happy.
34. When having cravings try drinking a tall, icy glass of water with slices of lemons or oranges -- sometimes what you think is hunger is really thirst.
35. Remember, an occasional binge doesn’t hurt, in fact it’s quite beneficial if you have reached a plateau (stopped losing weight). Just don’t binge too regularly!
and finally, 36. Love and respect yourself and your body.


I used the count to 100 thing ALOT yesterday. Today I am tackling the water every hour thing. I need a way to stay on track while I bake so much stuff. My workouts are getting more intense, and I am really digging deep to make the most of my time at the gym. Also trying to remember to do little things at home to increase my activity *jogging the dirty laundry from the hamper in the bathroom to the laundry room. vs carrying the basket to it.*  Here are some photos that are keeping me inspired! Enjoy!

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, remember not to beat yourself up over that extra scoop of potatoes or stuffing. You are fabulous the way you are and one extra spoonful will not destroy the wonderful person you are on the inside. And you can always just give that extra 5 mins to your workout to burn it off!

Its begining to look alot like christmas...

And that means Holiday food!!! EEEKKK! Every year I do the whole "this year I am gonna eat healthier and not gain any weight yadda yadda" and guess what happens every year? I end up eating 4 buckeyes and 6 sugar cookies in one sitting then cry to myself in the shower about my lack of will power. Kinda pathetic, but it true. The difference this year is that I am actively working out at least 2 times a week. I know thats not alot but its something and I am really learning to make the most of that time. I push myself everytime and I cant ask for much more than that. I am gonna try to stay away from the carbs like breads and potatoes though. I have slacked since Lance came home and I def feel it. I am more sluggish and my super powers I gained to do it everything myself while he was gone, have faded as well.


On an awesomer note, I am looking at finally doing my photo shoot. Its looking like Feb sometime and I am getting a chance to do it with a group of friends and I am excited. Of course they are all gorgeous and thin but I am gonna rock it. I feel like if I can keep this in my head maybe I will put down the cookies and pick up something more healthy! I am waiting til right before the shoot to buy any outfits, I would like to set a goal of 20 lbs, but I am gonna start small and set a December goal of 5 lbs. If I can just FEEL better it will make all the difference. Anybody have any tips on lookin super sexy?

NEW BLOG POST!!!!

I have not blogged in about a decade.. or at least it feels like it. But because my husband is FINALLY back and I now can use the laptop vs my phone, you all are in for a treat! I have lots of things to blog about so lets get started
 First I guess I will start by saying, it was a rough summer weight wise. I'm still down under 265 but not where I should be to reach my goal by NYE lol. But never the less I am on a healthy track and I am really OK with that part. It might take a few years but I will get there, a pound at a time. I am still an emotion eater, and I have my binge days where I eat stuff I know I shouldn't, in amounts that might disgust some people, but for the most part my eating habits are healthy and that's what matters.. or at least that's what helps me sleep at night!
   So now that we are all caught up, I wanted to share this photo with you guys. I saw it on pinterest and thought it was pretty awesome.

This is something that i found amazing. The number on a scale is just that. A number. I am so glad I never gave into buying a scale. I don't want to be trapped in a number. I want to be living my life, being a great mom, a kick ass wife, an amazing best friend, a fabulous daughter and better sister. The people around me will notice a difference in who I am on the outside based on the hard work I put in and how great that makes me feel on the inside, not by the number that comes up when I waddle on the scale!!
  Another thing I wanted to touch on was the roller coaster issue. I went on ONE and the reason I went on one because I realized I am no longer a fan of roller coasters. I felt like my glasses were gonna fall off, I wanted to vomit. I had a tough time getting the thing to latch , it was a lap one. But the guys operating the ride at Dollywood were great. They kept me calm and  squeezed my fat enough to get me in!! I still can't ride the ones where the harness comes down in front, but that's because my boobs are just too big. Hopefully losing more weight will help that too. We are planning a Disneyland trip for end of next year and if I can get another 30-50 lbs gone I should be good for all rides lol.
   We received a free elliptical from a coworker of my step dad. Its really nice but we are having a hard time finding a place to put it. I told lance that even if we don't find a space for it right now, when we get a bigger house it will come in handy. I plan on having a space for some gym equipment. I want the girls to see that there always needs to be a place everyday for activity!
 
I plan on trying to blog more each and everyday so stick with me folks!!!

like it, love it, gotta have it!!!

A friend of mine recently started work at coldstone. Anyone who has ever been knows there sizes are not small medium and large, but like it, love it , gotta have it. I feel like this is how I am going to view myself from now on. I can either get up in the morning, wear sweats and no makeup all day and my husband will like it. Or I can get up and throw on jeans and a tshirt and pull my hair back and he will love it. OR I can get up, look in the mirror, tell myself how amazing I look, put myself in something flattering, do my hair and makeup and he will gotta have it :P

  This came to me last night as I was looking in the mirror while putting my pajamas on. I pinched and tucked and thought, if i loose a bit here id be content with my shape *notice i said shape not size, big difference in my book* But then I thought, you know..as long as a I rock it at any shape or size, there isn't anything anyone can say or do that will make a difference. So until I am at my goal weight I am gonna stay confident and strut my sexy stuff everyday no matter if I am down .2lbs or 20 lbs. 

any thoughts??

Its been way too long.

So I have not blogged in ages. Doing it from my phone annoys and frustrates me sometimes. But I am on an actual computer so I figured Id update a bit. Not too long though considering I am FINALLY sitting side by side with my HUSBAND!!!!!!!!

Things are fab, I am on vacation at my in laws.In the south. Have you ever tried eating healthy in the south? Its nearly impossible. Nothing comes in sugar free and my beloved leafy greens seem to have up and ran away from every grocery store withing 100 miles. BUT i am trying my best, with a few missteps along the way. However I am sweating so much because of the damn humidity that it feels like I've worked out every day. HAHA. I did walk about a mile today though and that made me happy. Yesterday I walked so much and sweated so much that Ill call that a workout too lol. We were at a Tennessee vols football game and it was amazing. I however was sticky,sweaty and I am sure a little smelly. TOTALLY worth it though.

I guess my go get em attitude tapered off a bit, being healthy is still on the top of my daily list of must dos. But the number in my head is becoming less of a haunting nightmare and more of a friend, someone who moved away and will be moving back within the next year or so. We are going to meet for coffee and chat about the old days and the great times we will have shopping and dancing and going to the gym together. I know I wont see it tomorrow but eventually and that's comforting.

love to you all. forever and always!

when the fat get fit

On my facebook I follow this lady that is all about embracing your plus size, if any of you read the nyour body is not voldermort" link i posted she is the one who originally posted the link. There was something on there about getting healthy at any size. I am starting to become a firm believer in being fit while being fat. People are all different shapes and sizes.Each one of us has our own beautiful unique qualities. As long as we are healthy and happy who cares if we fit into a size 4? I love myself more today than I did 6 months ago. Yes the weight loss has helped but getting in touch with my love of me again has come through being proud of my accomplishments. Even the little ones, like not being out of breath when i tie my shoes!

So here is my challenge to anyone that reads my blog, next time you are naked in front of a mirror, instead of poking at your flaws and jiggling whatever jiggles, tell yourself one thing you are  proud of about your self physically. Not "oh I am a nice person" more like
Man my ass looks fantastic in these jeans. Or great job on not devouring the entire box of cookies bc now i feel healthier.

just something positive. please.

one size fits .........

last night while i was on facebook this fabulous lady i know, kasey, updated her status with this "whoever came up with the idea to make clothing 'one size fits all' is either extremely optimistic or seriously delusional"

It got me thinking about how right she actual is! Aside from a scarf most one size fits all is like false advertising. I dont know any other female that is shaped like me. Sure I have plus size friends, but my boobs are bigger and their thighs are smaller. I also have friends that are a milllion feet tall with legs as long as I am tall, some are petite, some not. I dont understand living in a worls where the  fashion industry puts a label on something and we take it for what it is. No matter who you are you are going to come out of the battle with the item with a complex. Thanks alot asses. Making women feel more insecure is not the ideal way to get us to pur@hase items.

Another thing that kills me is the way plus size fashion is designed. Unless you shop at torrid or sometimes targets plus size, you are left with what I call the pregnant box effect.  Its designed to make us with a little extra junk in the trunk comfortable about going shopping. Im sorry what about my womenly figure screams that I am the shape of a square. Its like they sewed two squares of seasonal colored fabris together, threw on some smaller squares for arms and added a sparkly broach for pizzaz and I am suppose to die over how great it looks on me. Wrong.

Skinny people , men and women, often critisize plus size gals who wear stuff thats too small, or too tight, or they make comments about us wearing leggings and patterns that draw attention to us. Well here is some insight, its because we dont want to look like a box. I have waist *its hidden in there somewhere i swear* I have a chest and hips and I dont want to walk around hiding all of it. I need colors and patterns and things that hug me. I need it to feel sexy, to feel normal. Its not easy living in a size 2 world in a size 22 body, and until cute plus size fashion becomes affordable on a walmart budget then some of us are gonna squeeze and tuck and suck ourselves into the biggest size we can find on a rack filled with adorable clothes. I am a firm believer in being fashionable, any size, any budget. I just wish the fashion industry thought so too.  So next time you start to open your mouth to make a snide comment about what someone my size has on, but yourself in her adorable, too tight shoes and think about what other choice she has, and realize she is just trying to think outside the box.

for amy!

I recieved a special request for a new post from my amazing friend amy. She herself took the weight loss journey and her results are amazing!! So with this request I have decided to write a post about something that happened with her...this is the MOST embarassing and humiliating thing that has ever happened to me ...

A few years back we lived in Va. Lance got stationed there and as anyone who has followed me from the begining then you know this is where my weight got out of control. The summer before we moved we made a trip to bush gardens.Amy and her husband and daughter came with us along with my inlaws. Now before I tell the story I want it to be known that I had an amazing time. I am  not one for rides normally because I get motion sickness easily but for the sake of having a good time i sucked it up and went on everything I thought I could stomach. On top of all of that I have this mini fear of  heights and things going upside down. I managed to agree to go on one of those twisty roller coasters. As we are standing there this gentlemen is asked to get off because the bar that goes over you wont latch. Now this was  a big guy, one of those with the big bellies that wear suspenders everywhere. I thought to myself , as every tiny teenager around me was snickering "man that would be so embarassing". So then it comes to us. We climb on, buckle up, and guess who is asked to get off because the harness wont latch. Yup you guessed it...this girl. I was mortified. Lance offered to get off the ride with me but I was so embarassed I just wanted to run and crawl under a rock somewhere. All I remember is just stoppingg halfway down the ramp to cry. Never in my life have I felt like that. I have avoided alot of things like that since then.

This summer we are planning a trip to visit my in laws. We plan on taking the girls to Dollywood. Lots of rides, lots of people. I am so nervous to even attempt to get on a ride that the thought sends me  into a minor panic attack. If I can drop more lbs I will make the attempt. However if I am asked to get off again, the person better be prepared for a punch in the face and the corndog vendor better get cooking because I swear I will drown my embarassment in anything deep fried. Just kidding....I think.

I am excited that I am keeping this weight off..none gained. I can tell a major difference in the way some clothes fit. I went shopping with my mom yesterday and found a few things that fit and I was very excited. A few cute summer pieces.With more weight loss the easier finding clothes gets! The one thing I  dont like though is my legs. Most summers I run around in shorts and dont give it much thought but this summer I am very aware of how off putting and gross they are! I feel reallt bad for people who have been subjected to them. I am trying to stick with sun dresses, which is fine for this whole look I am going for lately. If anyone sees any good deals on thigh covering adorable dresses in a slightly plump size..send them my way!

I hope this was long enough for you amy :)

I might write another blog tonight. Im in a blogging mood.

my life is like a movie

and not the totally awesome kind either. At different points throughout my life I have stopped and wonder why Im there. This is one of those times. The movie that is like my life is .....the wizard of oz. Ive got it all, I have a good witch watching over me, a bad one trying to get me, someone who needs a heart, another that needs a brain, and one thats just a coward. The wizard is there too, trying to make all the rules and seem all knowing and powerful but in real life is just a tiny person with a major complex. I am dorothy. Thrown into a world Ive never been too and left to find my own way home. I find myself a little bit along the way but still long for life to be back to normal.

But normal seems soo far away.

a real computer!!

I am at my moms for a bit tonight so I am taking advantage of having an actual computer to blog from. This blog might get a bit long and wordy so proceed at your own risk :)

First off I am at 263.. 4 more lbs and I will be in the 250s. Still a whale but a smaller one none the less. Its hard sometimes to remember how big I really am *remember my skinny girl in the mirror post?* Especially since everyone is being so kind with their words to me. But alas, today I had a fat moment. I went cake testing with a good friend and bride to be, fine a few bites does me more good then harm * it gets my sweet tooth sweet enough without going overboard* Afterwards we went to Red Robin. I made a healthy choice and that's great. However her friend that came along with us had a baby. She set her carseat in the booth and we had to push the table back a bit, leaving me with a space that is adequate for a normal size person but for me it was a tight squeeze. It was the first time in months I have been truly embarrassed about my size. They ladies didn't make a big deal about it but I felt insecure. When I went to the bathroom, I couldn't help but look in the mirror and tell myself of disgusting I was... I guess it made it alot easier to order healthy instead stuff I shouldn't it. Call it what you will but it worked for me. I hate being reminded of what I really am on the outside.

I went to target yesterday and found this adorable long dress that i LOVE. One thing I don't love is the numbered sizing of plus size clothes. 1 *plus size* 2 *fat* 3 *fatter* and 4 *whale*. I mean sure I don't want to be reminded of my number but in the same sense I feel like the chart was created because a simple l xl and xxl wouldn't suffice. A bigger girls life is consumed by number. Calories, weight, how many oreos she can eat in a sitting without guilt, and now the clothes we buy come down to a number as well. I think its a horrible joke designed by skinny bitches to make me more aware of the extra fluff Ive got. Ugh. Bitches. LOL

All negativity aside I am feeling great. Tired lately but that's a given with 2 kiddos full time thanks to summer vacation! Im starting to feel more beautiful each and every day. and with the year half way over I am glad that this wasn't another year and another resolution wasted. I feel like even though I might not be on track to reach my goal by NYE I am well on my way to a healthier rest of my life. It better get ready because here I come!

a falling star

ever wish on a falling star? I used to do it all the time. Stopped for awhile when life had given me all i wished for. I used to wish for love, got it. I wished for healthy beautiful children. Done. Now I find myself wishing on them again. wishing for the strength to get through the next few months, the motivation to accomplish the goals ive set for myself, the discipline,the courage to make sure i am gstiing all i want out of my life and the understanding of what the hell that even means. i want an easy button. a real one. not that fake staples one. i want weight loss to be easy. i dont mind doing the work, i actually love the gym. im just ready for it to be over. the daily battle of wills between my fat kid and my skinny persona are at each others throats. my skinny chick will win tomorrow. and each day after that. if i was a gambler *and i totally am* i would place all mymoney on her.i just hope i dont go all in and end up losing it all.

its working!

so i havent weighed myself in a week or so but i know everything i am doing is working. my clothes are fitting looser and ivd looked in the mirror a few times and thought...wow. im looking better. now is it this huge weight loss in a short amount of time? no. and i am ok with that. i dont need to do this drastic drop for any reason. yes i gave myself a goal and i am wokring towards that. but even if it takes me 2 years the point is is that i am changing my lifestyle. ive thought long and hard about quick fixes and not that there is anything wrong withthat its just not for me. so please keep on being my personal cheerleaders becausee its happening and that is really something the cheer about!

silence is my worst enemy

Im in a funk. A private funk but a funk none the less. my brain wont turn off some nights and it sucks. i found out a few days ago that my end in sight isnt an end..more like a pause in my current situation. i hate being alone...i hate feeling alone..physically and mentally. i just wish i didnt feel so empty on some nights. Worrying about things makes me sick to my stomach..not a good thing when I am trying so hard to lose weight. but despite my funk, ill be at the gym tomorrow and continue on with life as planned.

phoned in

my computer is being lame so I will be using my phone  to blog for a bit. yay for smart phones!!  I have  been doing great on my food plan and not so great on exercising. I am heading to the gym today but i really need to get an at home routine down. I watched that extreme makeover weight loss edition last night and i want a home gym.  the girls dont really need a play room do they ?? just kidding!

Not much else to blog about today. Tonight I am making eggplant lasagna and I am really excited about it. No noodles means its perfect for me. Comfort food done right :) I will post pics ans recipes later tonight or tomorrowa

for the love of me.

I made a new friend today. Her name is Meghan *sorry if I spelled it wrong!!* Like myself she is a fluffier gal and totally sweet. She is a navy wife, a mom, and is also in a battle with weight loss. We talked for a bit at the gym and it felt great. We shared workouts and diets and our setbacks, our stories and our struggles. We shared that we both have hid food from our husbands or lied about the consumption. We talked about our fear of water slides cracking beneath our butts at great wolf lodge. I left the gym feeling great about my new friend and really excited to have met her. She is working out 5 days a week and like me her husband is gone to protect the world :P I am hoping to meet up with her during workouts over the summer and hopefully we can sweat side by side and loose some lbs!!!

She told at one point that she loved my attitude. I realized I love my attitude too. Yes I am fat. Yes it sucks. But you know what.. deep down I love me. Always will. I'm beautiful in and out and that counts for more then a number on a scale. But a smaller number wouldnt be so bad ;P

 I am weighing in tomorrow . I'm feeling great and and hopefully for a decent number. I watched the biggest loser finale tonight and for the first season ever I ate apples instead of ice cream. Who am I? LOL. I didn't follow this season but still managed to tear up during it. I'm pretty much ridiculous. I also downloaded this little app on my phone called virtuagym. It gives a few little at home workouts and gym workouts. Quick little stuff that should be easy for me to do in the am! I will start tomorrow morning and I will let you know how it goes haha

For now I am going to drink some crystal light tea and play coin pirates on my phone.. thanks husband for getting me hooked. Goodnight Loves!

Good morning monday!

So since my last post on Wednesday I have felt so busy!! I think on Friday I fell asleep by 10pm. It was absurd. I finally have a down morning.. hell an entire down day to be exact and I felt like a blog was in order. The soda I had the first part of the week was awful. Gained 2 lbs back and felt so gross until about yesterday. ICK. I will stick with water and crystal light from now on.

My topic of choice this morning stems from the sunny weather we were having. The dreaded bathing suit season! Last week I read on a friends facebook this  status " dear bikini season. F*ck you" I laughed at first then thought.. Wow.. this is crazy. In my opinion that friend of mine has an amazing body that I would ACTUALLY kill for. She is beautiful and I never thought her of all people would hate bikini season. I guess I never thought that body image is a struggle for EVERYONE. On Friday another friend received a bathing suit in the mail while I was at her house. I expected her to pull out this tiny little bikini because if I had her body I would wear one all the time. Even to the grocery store. Instead she pulled out this beautiful one piece with a skirt type bottom. I was like OMG!!! Even I venture out in a tankini. But again, she isn't the same as she once was. I would love to meet a gal that LOVES her body in a bikini. EVERY inch of her body. I put on a suit while in port angeles and was happier with what I saw. I didn't love my image but its getting there. Plus my bathing suit is adorbs.. black and pink with anchors on it..<3 it!

So on a related topic. I found my lounge chair. Rite aid has it.. rite aid of all places. Being a once income family money isn't free flowing so I have to wait til we get paid to buy it and I really hope they have some left. I cant wait to get out there and relax in the sun. Part of my excitement is when its nice and hot outside I rarely crave the crap food that made me fat. I want fruits and veggies and water.

This morning I made some really great blt wraps.

delicious right? No bread required!!

Another thing I am excited about is that I am finally getting "my look" down. I took some cell phone pics of me trying out some different makeup and things trying to see if I could really pull off this pin up thing. *btw I thought of a perfect persona for me - Holli the housewife :) I could put a sexy spin on a June Clever kind of look ;P * Here are some shots I took.

i cant believe its only wednesday.

Long week..er half off a week, On Saturday my grandfather passed away. Unexpected and very difficult to deal with. I don't think it has totally sunk in yet to me. Ive spend the last 3 days around family that came in to be here for hte viewing and yet it still doesn't seem real. I'm learning alot about my family and myself in this situation. Def learning to appreciate who I have around me way more then what I have around me.

Another thing I am learning is to not put off the things I want to do so badly out of fear. As all of you readers know I want to do a pin up shoot. I facebooked this amazing photographer *shout to Andrea for letting me know about her!!* Her work is amazing and she seems awesome. Now due to money and time commitments I cant do her upcoming curvy girl shoot but I am going to book a shoot for as soon as I get back from VA. No matter what size I am at that time I'm doing it. No more excuses, I love me and I am going to show off what i think is an amazing face and a fantastic rack :) Now taking outfit suggestions !!!

I haven't stepped on a scale in days. I ate decent *not totally on diet* and went swimming. Tomorrow is a fresh day.. cant wait to make my sausage egg scramble for breakfast and salad for lunch...going to the gym tomorrow.. i need to take out some stuff on the elliptical. i cant believe its already summer nad i am no where near where i wanted to be. Oh well.. my goal is 15lbs by June 1st!!!

the fun house mirror effect.

It's a wide known fact that most women stand in front of a mirror and complain about how "fat" they look. They wish there thighs were smaller or that didn't have that little belly. They pinch, the poke, they suck and they tuck. It is just how women are. But what I find weird is that I do the opposite. I think I look smaller then I really am, I see the skinny girl buried inside. I always step away thinking, "wow you look great today" Its hard to look at candid shot of myself. I have perfected the art of the facebook self portrait. Head tilted right.. chest up and only take it when I am all made up. In candid shots though I see the me everyone else sees and its tough. I see the fat me.

The good news is, is that since last Thursday I have lost 5 lbs. I am doing so good and its really easy to not eat the carbs. I feel lighter every day :)

Making my grocery list was easy.. meats, veggies, hot dogs *well turkey dogs, no red meat for this gal* Simple. easy. cheap. <3 it <3 it <3 it.

I feel my confidence coming back... I feel my sexy coming back * yes cue J Timba now* I am sticking with this one.. i hope :)

I know it seems like I have this pattern of losing, gaining, starting, stopping. It's because that's exactly what I am doing. Life being overweight is consumed with food, what you should and should not eat. It is overran with thoughts of being thin and fantasizing about the clothes you'll be able to wear and the things you will be able to do. Its a battle. Day in and day out. Slowly, one step and one day at a time I am fighting this battle. With every lb gone I am winning my battle.

booking it

So I have decided to write a book. Bascially along the same lines as my blog, a first hand look at what being overweight is. I have about 7 chapter titles so far and am really excited to start on it. It may or may not pan out but I am going to give it a go. I am really excited and I hope
I can count on you guys to buy it when it hits shelves..:)

Another positive thing is that I am down 4lbs since thursday. I know the atkins works so I am not surprised really, but I am excited! I had a fantastic mothers day and stepping on the scale was the icing on the non existant cake!! My mom got me a bunch of outdoor garden stuff so I can get my green thumb on!! Now if I can just get some sun Ill be set!

I know this is a short post but Ill think of something fun to write about for tomorrow.

my life flashed before my eyes.

Ok not ACTUALLY but kind of.

Backstory.. my mom watched the girls today for me so I could see a movie with my bestest friend ever, jessica. Now like me jessica loves sweat pants and buffetts...so of course she has a similar body shape as me. We will refer to us as "pillowy".  Well today while heading toward the theater we caught a glimpse of something thats frightened us. Here come these two ladies walking towards.. obviously bffs such as ourselves, one in her fabulous velour sweats and matching athletic top and rocking an awesome ponytail, and the other, in jeans and a cute top with some sort of cardigan or jacket over it. She had her cut short but it was dyed in some reddish tones.. both women were "pillowy" also. We both look at each other knowing what the other is thinking "thats us". I was clearly the one in the velour sweats and jessica was the more stylish one.

This scared the shit out of me.
 I dont want either of us to be like that 15 years from now. I dont even want us to be that way 15 months from now. We are both going about this our own ways and I am happy to report she has lost 12lbs this week,. me not so much but I am getting there. Seeing what the future looks like is freaky but i think it gave us a reason to stick with it all this time. Here is to a great week next week and lots of lbs shed and gone!!!

No means No

So I am saying bye bye to carbs tomorrow. No breads no pastas no potatos! Ive done it before and I know it works so why not. I am setting a short term goal of july 1st and at the point I will reevaluate my diet choices. I just need to lose a decent chunk before I board the plane to visit lances family.

 Now I know most people have their opinions on different diets and exercise programs but please dont lecture me. I know all hte goods and the bads and as an adult I am making my own choices to acheive what I want to achieve. Thanks :)

Its almost summer and the only thing I want is a nice lounge chair for my back porch. I plan on wasting away my summer by watching the girls play in the backyard while I get my tan on!  I think I read somewhere that tan fat looks better then white fat so at least Ill have that working for me!

Life pretty much sucks without the husband but I am functioning. Went swimming today with my sister and had alot of fun!! Hopefully we can go alot more. It was a good workout and hte girls loved it so its a win win.

I am tired so its bedtime for me. Had some friends over for a cinco de mayo dinner and as hard as it is to believe i am leaving the mess til the morning...Ive got a date with a smoldering vampire *vampire diaries is on tonight* so im calling it an early night.

Finding me mo...haha get it?

So I have discovered my love of the gym again. Ive been going alot and along with cutting my calories by 500 i am now down to 267! I have stopped eating past 8pm and I swear to all that is Holy that its the hardest thing EVER! I am such a late night snacker that using my will power makes me exhausted. I've slept better these past few nights, which really surprised me.

 Blame it on being well rested but I have felt so pretty the past few times I have ventured in public. Last week the girls and I went to a family fun night and i got so many compliments on my hair and makeup and today i had an older lady at the commissary tell me that purple is definitely my color. I guess I am realizing that when I feel good I look good! For the first time in 4 years I don't feel like a fat frumpy mom!! Ok maybe i still feel fat,..but that's besides the point!

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of some nicer weather. I really want to start walking more. By the time lance gets home I want to comfortably and honestly say " hey i am going for a run"
I have an honest question for all of you out there and regardless your answer it wont offend me or make me upset.
When you see a gal, my size, outside walking or jogging what is your first opinion?
 
I always get nervous someone will throw something at me or tell me to move my fat ass out of the way. I think I revert back to gym in middle school or something. I know I always think positively when I see it but that's because i know how hard it is to get out there and do it. The struggle of finding the shirt that isn't so baggy you look bigger but not so tight that you look like a stuffed sausage. The struggle of bending over to tie the shoes that don't provide enough support anyway. How painful those first few steps are on your back, knees, hips and hell every other part of your body. How gross it feels when all your fat is moving. BLAH. How hard it is to breathe once you hit the top of the hill.... or the end of the block. But I also know how amazing it feels when you are done. Who cares that you will be so sore in the morning you will crawl to the shower.

Tomorrow is another day, I will struggle to tie my shoes *which provide great support* I will choose the most flattering workout outfit I have and I will struggle to make it through my 40 mins of cardio and 20 mins of weights and stuff. And when I am done I will feel like I can do anything.

these are my confessions

i just ate a waffle as a snack.

what a fat kid thing to do

that is all

america is dieing on their knees from obesity

For those that don't recognize my title, its from Jamie Oliver. I am addicted to his food revolution show. It opens my eyes to a world that I am scared to send my girls in to. I am vowing now to pack my kids lunches everyday when they enter public school. Things in this country need to drastically change. Its not fair to feed our kids into an early grave because parents don't have the knowledge or money to prevent it. I am also pleased to reveal that cailyn is giving up her McDonald's habit. For those that don't know, my daughter loves McDonald's. It stems from an awful and lazy habit I started when she younger. Over the weekend I have showed her that there is a tastier way to get the same stuff at home. She bought it and now every time we pass by she says "no McDonald's for me" <3

This is a turkey mushroom burger on a 100 cal sandwhich thin. Baked fingerling potato fries as a side dish

This is turkey on 100 cal whole grain mini bagels with 10 pop chips and 2 large strawberries! i used low fat cream cheese instead of mayo!

Not only am I eliminating the eating out for health reasons but for money reasons too. Before I could easily spend 50-75$ a paycheck on eating out for me and the girls. I think about how much good meats and fruits and veggies that could buy! No more for us. I will start packing the girls lunches if I know I am going to be gone during lunch, if I get in the habit now I will continue it later in life.

I am also proud to report that I gymmed it up 5 days last week and went yesterday. I didn't go today but I did mow my backyard. OMG what a freaking workout. I didn't do that great but it was a jungle and I was out there for at least 30 mins so I know I got my cardio in! Now the girls and I can get out there and kick the ball around whenever we get a glimmer of sunshine! * please keep in mind I am praying it doesn't snow tonight since its going to be 30 degrees out!* Tomorrow we will walk to and from cailyns speech therapy. I also think turning on some music in the morning and dancing while I clean will do us all some good. Music just feeds my soul in ways I can explain!

My weekly challenge is to drink ONLY water. I hope I can keep with it. Taking it a week or even a day at a time makes things more possible.

I watch the show too fat for 15 fighting back every week. So I will leave you with this to chew on for a bit
"This is the first generation of teenagers that may die before their parents"

Scary huh. It starts with us as parents to teach healthy habits. If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your kids. It is worth it to give them a fighting chance at life.

losing someone helps you gain perspective.

What a weekend. I don't think I have ever been this mentally exhausted in my life. Over the course of 4 days I dealt with the loss of a family member, the possible loss of a paycheck, the loss of my dads marriage and house, the loss of my cool with a jerk at the restaurant, the loss of my diet, and eventually the loss of my  sanity. 4 days worth of losses makes me really think about what I have in my life.

My first loss, the passing of my aunt Debbie. She was a great woman and her death leaves a whole in the hearts of everyone around her. The only positive about the situation was she brought all my family together. I have spent more time with my cousins this weekend then i have in the last 5 years combined.
I know she is in heaven smiling down on all of us  as we reminisce and look through old family photos. She is up there watching and waiting for hte rest of us. I just keep telling myself she is up there at her best and no longer suffering at her worst.

The 2nd loss made me more sick to my stomach then I already was. The potential government shut down made me panic. Half of a paycheck is almost worse then at all. Trying to figure out what gets paid and what gets put on the back burner and how to manage food and gas. Thank God someone somewhere pulled their heads out and it didn't actually happen. It was an added stress I didn't need though.

While staying with my dad and step mom I witnessed what years of fighting does to a marriage and a love that was once there. The arguing was painful to watch and it was even harder for me to know my kids were there watching it . Ive tried my whole adult life to not do that. I am not always successful but I try. It was hard to watch my dad deal with the loss of his sister and have to attempt to move out. It was the most stressful on my sanity. It  made me more thankful then I have ever been to have Lance in my life.

The jerk at the restaurant story boils down to this. Me and a longtime friend Rachel went to have lunch. she also has a daughter close to Ashlin's age. The girls were making noises but none of them were running around and none of them were being any louder then normal. At one point Rachel did tell zoey to shh and this guy who was eating with what i assumed were his wife and adult son said , Thank you finally. Thats all it took. i lost it. I told him he had no right to try and make us feel embarrassed about being out to lunch with our kids. At one point his wife told me that I needed to teach them some manners,For any of you that have met my kids know that Cailyn especially has amazing manners. I continued to tell him that we had every right to be there and were sat back in the corner for a reason. This place is a diner type setting and seems family friendly. The adult son had the nerve to tell me " this isn't a daycare honey you are delusional" I simply responded with you're right its not because Nobody else is watching our kids but us. The guy is lucky that there was a table and my kids between me and him or my water would have ended up on his lap.. and my fist in his face. It was not the time to make me mad. Stupid assface.

At even given point this weekend I either didn't eat or when i did eat, i made bad choices. I did however realize how important my health is in order to stick around for my girls. I don't want them to go through what my cousins are going through right now just because I cant have a little will power. I am trying twice as hard ., Gym tomorrow and I am going to work harder then ever.I think its needed to get my sanity back!

I think Ill go for a walk outside now..

Today was national get out and walk day. So we did just that. I needed a few things from the store and I live within about 10 mins *walking distance* from one. So instead of wasting gas, because its like a million bucks a gallon, I geared us all up to take a walk. It was a bit windy and cold on the way up but we powered through. I opted not to bring the stroller.. its good for the girls to get some activity in as well! I wouldn't call it a great workout for me but it was a nice few moments with my girls and the fresh air did us some good. The way home was great. Super sunny and beautiful! I even opened the windows when we got home to let the cool breeze in. Here are some pics I took from today!


windy!







she tried her hardest to keep her balance



rock climbing lol





little legs cant go as fast



she found this little bunny on the road!

she felt left out.. rocks it is!

the home stretch

i love a spot of color on a nice day!



sitting on the bus bench at the store



Its been awhile.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I have been MIA for a bit. Those circumstances being 2 tweenage girls in my house since Saturday! Blogging from my phone just doesnt cut it for me :P

Along with a lack of blogging there has been a lack of exercise, and a little lack of eating healthy. I havent gained any weight back but I am just not caring for some reason. I need a big wake up call this week. EEK. Trying to get the energy to workout seems so fruitless this week. I did however find the cutest dress at forever 21 and ill admit i was a little depressed that i couldnt just buy it. I did take a picture of though.. just to remember what it looks like.

 Maybe someone can make it for me when i get all skinny lol. I just love it. I know some people might not but I do! I keep thinking about how I really want to do some pin up pictures. Everytime I look in the mirror I tell myself that if i was thinner I would have the confidence to do it.  Im going to work so hard. Just looking at the dress makes me feel fat. I don't want to be fat anymore. I dont want to be this way anymore!!!! I have 3 months to get ready for the run and another month to get ready for my friend johns wedding. I am not showing up to his wedding in california in august 270 lbs. I cant do it. 

Another thing I want is a tattoo. I know exactly what I want but I am not tattooing my fat. NOT HAPPENING. Ugh even imagining a tattoo on myself right now makes me want to hurl. I cant imagine everyone elses mental image right now! If anyone who reads this can draw or sketch let me know if youd be willing to help me sketch it out!!! 

 Life without the hubs is just that, life without him. I hate it but we are all managing. It gets easier everyone morning I wake up. But I miss him like crazy and that sucks. Its a constant thing in the back of my mind. Especially when he is out of class by noon and think about how great it would be if his school was out of bangor. lol. I guess thats the life of a navy wife ;)

Its time to put on some music and shake my groove thing while I clean this house. I know you are all jealous right now.. but dont worry its not as fun as it sounds!

Im pretty sure Im losing track of time.

It is very obvious that my "write my blog every night" plan is a complete bust. This sickness is really taking its toll on this house and honestly I have been too exhausted to even think about it. As everyone knows it started with the stomach flu. From there it turned into a cough for the girls. On Sat evening it just seemed to be getting worse. C had a fever. A had a fever. Sunday was spent with my girls periodically napping and being miserable. Sunday night my younger brother and sister stayed over so that I could watch them while my mom and step dad worked on Monday. My brother also has this cough and cough so hard he got sick. I took him to the dr the next morning and decided I should get the girls seen also.

 Fast forward to that afternoon. Turns out A has an ear infection, but her lungs sound clear which is good. C on the other hand had to get an xray done because the Dr though she might have some form of pneumonia where food particles got into her lungs from the vomiting. Thank the lord the xray was clean and she just needs antibiotics. But the Dr. did say that if she doesn't get better after the 10 days then it will be time for some blood work and stuff. He said her length of time for sickness is a little concerning. It seems like when she gets sick its worse then anybody that has it. It takes her FOREVER to get over it and she gets REALLY sick. I get worried about there being some underlined issues that stem from a rough start at birth. Only time will tell I guess. Needless to say I spent 4 hours at the hospital on Monday.

 Yesterday I went to my moms to watch my bro and sis. There I was excited to learn that I was down to 270 AFTER i ate breakfast! lol. Good news for me. I have this cough too so I am taking it easy on working out this week but I have been doing well with my eating. Not having sweets in the house helps :P I am hoping next week I can get back to the gym. I also went to dinner with a great friend and then did a little shopping at the mall. My sister was nice enough to watch the girls for me so I could get a little break! I needed it. I love my girls with all I have but the whining and crying takes alot out of me. I need a mental health break to regain control of the situation!

The only thing on my agenda today is meeting with the speech therapist to go over the paperwork for C. I plan on putting my music on and cleaning this house. My 2 other little sisters from port angeles are coming down next week for spring break and i need the house clean!

Its time to stop blogging and get to coloring a picture with cailyn. First time in days she has wanted to do anything but lay in bed. <3

apparently sick is the new black.

I hate being sick. I hate feeling sick, I hate getting sick. I hate it. The only benefit is the awesome weight loss it gives me for the week. Its because I can't eat anything and I cant workout. I can barely clean the house and for those that know me well..that's a shock. I am starting to feel better this evening but my dinner consisted of a bowl of cheerios. The thought of anything else sounded awful.

 I did feel well enough today to head to old navy and get some clothes. I went in for flips flops and came out with a few nice spring pieces!! ALL on clearance! And I am happy to report for the first time  ever I love the way all of it looks on me. I can tell the little changes on my body and I like it!

 As I said in my last post I was looking at wedding venues with an old friend of mine the past few days. I am so excited for her wedding and even more honored to be a bridesmaid! However the rest of her party is GORGEOUS so I really need to get my butt in gear :P No sense in looking like a stuffed sausage in a dress lol.

Ok and how about this nice weather the past 2 days? I remember last summer when I hated being outside. I was always sweaty and uncomfortable * all in places i didn't know could even get sweaty and uncomfortable* I really cant wait for this summer though. I plan on spending lots of time outside with the girls. They really love it out there. I mean they are kids after all. I just have this awful fear of dirt lol. and bugs.

My goal for next week is simple. Do what I feel is my best. No number, no eating plan. Just a conscience effort to do my best at losing weight! What are goals for the next week?

mid day post

I haven't posted in a few days and with good reason. Thursday Cailyn had school and I had to run a bunch or errands that day and by the time I was able to sit down and relax I just wanted to sleep!! Friday I didn't do much. Just didn't feel like doing anything at all. Well turns out it was because I had the flu creeping up on me and getting ready to set up shop. First cailyn got sick. I hate cleaning up puke. Lance always cleaned up the puke. On top of it being gross it was bright orange thanks to her vitamin. Every hour on the hour til 4 am. Then it was my turn. I got sick every hour from 4 am until 2pm on sat. I had to call my mom and my stepdad came and got me and hte girls and we just spent the night over there because there is no way I could take careof them let alone myself. I missed my sisters very eventful 21st birthday. I lost 3 lbs. I had no energy on sunday and even forgot to feed the girls dinner. They woke up starving this morning. I also had to miss out on a gathering of awesome people at a friends house :(

   I feel better today. I am deep cleaning my house because I am having a longtime friend over and her mother to help her look at wedding venues tomorrow! My house needs disinfected top to bottom!! I also got out emergency bags ready so I can stop panicking at night over what if. I also was a complete bitch to my husband on the phone today. Yup. I admit it. Its not easy to admit it but I was. I have so much whizzing through my brain that all I managed to pull out was anger. Not love, not compassion, not " i miss you more then I have ever missed anything in my entire life and don't know how i can get through these next months without you" just anger at something stupid. I hate that I can't be rational at all. I need to see someone about that i think :P

Any suggestions on not losing my cool so fast?

one hell of a wednesay

I lost it today. Full on sobbing. Ive got a lot on my plate and as good as I am doing at keeping my anxiety at a bay, its a little tough when my trigger is losing control and I have no control over a few things . No panic attacks today I feel so emotionally drained. Even more then the day I dropped him off . I am more then ready for bed. Thank goodness Ashlin is already asleep!

Aside from being on an emotional roller coaster from hell today, I had a decent day. Ate well. Got a good deal on a few things at the store. Girls behaved for the most part. I just couldn't keep my mind from worse case scenarioing everything. Instead of picking up a tub of ice cream or making an unhealthy dinner I decided to bake my stress away. I found a great recipe in my hungry girl book for marshmellow chocolate cupcakes. They dont looks the prettiest but with a set of little helping hands i wont complain!

Here is a breakdown of the nutrition facts.

1 reg sized cupcake
2g protein
109 calories
2g fat
230g sodium
21 carbs
.75g fiber
12.5g sugar

Not TOTALLY healthy but WAY better then what I COULD be eating. I also think I am going to get up early and bake some banana bread.  I love having my "comfort" food in a healthier way.  Tomorrow I am going to gym again. But for now I am going to sit and watch some TV and eat a cupcake. Goodnight world!

Beautiful Dangerous.

The title has nothing to do with anything deep or meaningful I just effing LOVE that song when I work out. If there was ever a song that made me feel totally sexy on an elliptical that song is it. If you are saying to yourself " I have never heard that song" please do me a favor and stop being lame and head to you tube to watch the video . Its by slash ft Fergie ferg. But keep in mind the video is INTENSE and NOT suitable for kids and I am not lieing .
.
  Back on the topic of me totally rocking my diet and exercising, I am nailing it this week! My house is purged of all garbage so I ve been snacking on fruits and veggies. No soda. No crap. WINNING! I have been feeling so amazing and really proud of myself. I am going to weigh in this weekend and see where I am at. But honestly I don't care. I know I am doing what I need to do and that's what matters most!

Through all this optimism though I do have to admit yesterday was tough. I broke down a few times. Never in front of the girls though. I really want them to see me as a strong woman. It's not that being here alone is hard i just really miss him. I do great when I'm busy but when I am alone with my thoughts I think about the little stuff. I am so thankful I get to talk to him everyday and once he gets settled I will feel better. Once we get nicer weather I can also stop having a panic attack every time the wind blows!!!

I hope you all have a great week and keep motivated for whatever your goals are!

its been a week.

A week since I last kissed my husband. A week since I have felt complete. A week's worth of nights sleeping alone. A week since I started back on the journey to health. Alot has changed this week. Some good and some bad. Even though I know it is temporary it still sucks. But it gives me a chance to fix me. And fix me for the long run. I am doing all I can do to stay positive!

 Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in about 3 weeks. I am at 279. I thought I had gained back at least 7 to 8 lbs so I was happy. Yes its a few steps back but I am ready for leaps and bounds forward! This next week is going to get intense. I have a long list of things I am making out of my hungry girl book and I am aiming for 3 days at the gym. I am going to make those 3 days count too. Check back for lots of reviews!! From breakfast to appetizers to desserts. I am trying it all!! I also am going to challenge myself to making one vegetarian meal a week. I made some pretty awesome veggie lasagna a few weeks ago and I think it well help me more aware of the way different things taste! Any recipes PLEASE share!

Also my thoughts and prayers are with all the families impacted by today's events. I have several friends with friends and loved ones in Japan and I hope and pray that they are all safe. Please keep them and others in your prayers. It makes you think about whats important in life. <3 each other as much as you can.

working out!!

Today was a great day. I went to the gym while Cailyn was at school and I got in a great workout. I felt so good all the way through it and when I was done. I gave it my all and am excited to get back in the routine. I am hoping to get in a 3 or 4 day routine and quick!! I had a good day food wise. I discovered my love of whole grain mini bagels and fat free cream cheese lol. I made some of those funky monkey bars from the hungry girl cookbook.. banana and chocolate..and low in calories. HEAVEN!

I am exhausted though. This weather is awful and makes me sleepy lol. I am trying to get through the premier of Too Fat for 15 on the style network.This show makes me cry. It doesn't matter who it is their story hits a nerve every time. I know what it is like to fight this battle as an adult but I can't imagine being my size or BIGGER at 16 years old. Yes I was heavy then but to be 400lbs at the age robs you of your life, of the moments we are all meant to have. You're first kiss, dances, having any sort of a social life. And for some it takes away things like getting their license or even graduating. Kids are mean and teenagers are even worse. I had a tough skin. I was totally rubber in the equation of high school. It just bounced off. I never let it get to me. Had I been bigger and unable to keep up it could'been a different story. I threw myself into activities and being social that I tried to not let it slow me down. Looking back I have some amazing memories but I know there are times that I wish I was smaller. Dress shopping for dances SUCKED. And I remember on the slip to fill out for your cap and gown you are asked for your height and weight, well when I got my gown it was very obvious that someone just looked at my measurements and said ok we need to make thisor a whale. It was embarrassing. I think at one point I contemplated making a blanket out of it. Seriously. I wish there was a place like on this show when I was a teenager, I may not be fighting this war if I had been given a chance like these kids.

I guess my point is that the reality of this is real. Real scary. These are kids that were raised in a super size me world and are paying the price. Breaks my heart every time I see it.

i need some vitamin d!

Today's weather made me so tired. I had a ton of things to do today, and despite the downpour I got it all done! The rain did however decide to stop when I got home. That's my luck though!  Today was my first jam packed day on my own * minus my sister who watched Ashlin during speech therapy!!* and I rocked it! Girls were amazing and did so well! I might get the hang of this just in time for lance to get back :P

 Tomorrow will be my first gym day in WEEKS! Going to get in the habit of going while Cailyn is at school and after Ashlin is done on Friday. 3 days in week in gym and one day a week of walking to speech therapy and back. But that will happen when the sun decided to start making a less the sporadic appearance. I also would like to start walking to dance and back but considering the hill I know I need to lose more weight so I don't die half way up it lol.

 I've been seeing all over what people are giving up for lent. Although I am not Catholic I am going to challenge myself. No red meat  and no candy. Keep in mind chocolate is not candy. I am talking things that are nothing but sugar and food coloring. Ick stuff anyway but in me giving it up I am going to not buy it for my girls. The red meat thing may last longer then the 40 days though. Kind of sick of it honestly.  I can make just as many good dishes with ground turkey! Just like my mozzarella meatballs and the turkey chili that i am making tomorrow! I hope I can stick with it. I feel so good right now that I hope this carries the whole time he is gone. I REALLY want to surprise him with my weight loss! 

On a non fat related note I need tips for my yard. Any good ideas for flowers that can survive my black thumb? I also plan on planting a garden so any help is great. Considering I am awful at this stuff though I am considering holding a " help me beautify my yard and my spirit" party. I feel better inside when my outside living space is beautiful. Would anyone be willing to come over and spend the day helping lol. I will provide food and drinks and a good time i promise!!

Something else that I am super excited about today is next weeks produce box from fullcirclefarm.com .. I love EVERYTHING in it. Money well spent. If you are interested visit the site. It is an amazing program if you live in this area and love fruits and veggies!

I hope everybody is having a great week! Happy Hump day!!!

rough night

Tonight was hard. Every time I started to clean up one mess they girls made another. The just pushed and pushed me to my limit time after time today. They both are in bed , and went surprisingly easy all things considered so now its just me and my thoughts for the rest of the night.

 Thought 1 - 9 months is a really looong time
 Thought 2 - its a lot harder to eat your feelings if you don't have any junkfood!!
 Thought 3- I really should go to bed soon, I am exhausted.

Today as far as food goes went well. Poached eggs for breakfast along with some strawberries and a cup of coffee , a turkey wrap for lunch and some whole wheat pasta *small serving* with turkey meatballs for dinner. I snacked on a little chocolate but eh not a bad day if you ask me. Tomorrow is going to be super busy so I am hoping to keep up my good effort and make smart choices. I am also hoping a good night sleep will do my kids some good. I know it will me. I feel so off and those that know me personally know me out of my routine is not a good thing. However my incredible anxiety seems to be under control. I was so nervous that I wasn't going to sleep at night but I seem to be doing fine. I am having little moments of panic because lance still isn't permanently settled over there.. some paperwork and things is keeping him from having a permanent place to stay. Hoping his 9 months school isn't gonna cost us. Bleh. Happy thoughts .. happy thoughts! Almost Wednesday.. half way through my busy week. Hope I can find some energy to make it! LOL

my release.

I think blogging at night will be almost therapeutic for me, so I am really trying to get myself in the habit of doing this before bed!

 So I am at the end of day 3. I am eating REALLY well and I feel so much better. I forgot how great I feel when I eat healthy! Today I also had my "coach" help me with a little workout. My oldest decided that she was going to help me reach my goal of being a "skinny mommy" by having me run laps around the house and do some push ups and sit ups!! I love my little personal trainer!

On another note did you guys here that the guy who is the spokesperson for the heart attack grill died. He was 29. He died of complications brought on by the flu I guess. Now I know you are asking how this pertains to my blog but it does. Had he been a healthy weight and lived a healthy lifestyle he may have survived. Being obese does way more damage then whats seen on the outside. Not only does it do damage to your bones but it keeps you from being able to fight off diseases. Even if I didn't want to lose a pound this would make me want to make sure my self and my family eat a healthy balanced diet. Isn't it worth it to give yourself a fighting chance??

 Something else on my mind today is my love of the Hungry Girl. I have the 200 under 200 cook book and made my first batch of chocolate chip softies. They are this amazingly delicious mix of a cookie and a muffin. Only 88 calories per decent sized cookie!! I know some of you are panting for the recipe so here it is!!

3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cp splenda *granulated*
6 tbsp no sugar added applesauce
1/4 cp canned pure pumpkin
1/4 cup liquid egg substitute
2 1/2 tbsp mini semi sweet choc chips
2 tbsp brown sugar *not packed*
3/4 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp salt

mix all dry ingredients and except choc chips in a large mixing bowl.
in medium mixing bowl mix wet ingredients.
add wet to dry and fold in choc chips.

spray cookie sheet with non stick spray and place 8 even spoon fulls on sheet and bake for about 10 mins on 375!!

i hope i don't get in trouble for sharing the recipe on here but the hungry girl is amazing and if you haven't bought the book you totally should!!! its worth it and there is some really yummy things in there *cap n crunch shake anyone???* I wont be posting the recipes for everything I make but I will give reviews on the stuff i make!!!

well time for my sleepytime tea!

Im BAAACCCKKK!

So due to the lack of  wanting to I took a mini break from blogging..and my diet and exercise. Basically I am starting from square one right now. I feel great about it this time. I purged my cupboards of junk food and shopped with healthy habits in mind. I am going to get back on the wagon *hopefully it doesn't break!* and its starting today. Breakfast is 2 poached eggs and a slice of a whole grain toast. lunch will consist of a salad with a bit of tuna and some other raw veggies. The girls and I are going to look through my healthy cookbooks and decide something to make. I am going to go to the gym tomorrow after ashlins drs appt. good start in my book i guess. Within the next month of so I am starting a food plan that my friend Amy sent to me. Very easy and so healthy. She lost 95 lbs in 10 months. She looks amazing!! I need to get a food scale though . I am going to look for one this week!
 
  Another way I am trying to not self sabotage is going on a VERY strict cash only budget while lance is gone. Not only do me and the girls have to manage here but he has to have $ while he is gone also . I have decided to really limit my spending and in doing that I have to make smarter choices at the store and won;t have room in the budget to go out to eat all the time like we have been. In the long run it is going to be a great way to save money too! I am really trying to do things different while he is gone so when he gets home I have these new habits in place.

 I miss him like crazy and it makes it really hard to focus on me. It has only been a few days and I know it will get easier as the days go on but right now it is all i think about really. I have had lots of distractions this weekend thanks to amazing friends though! and yesterday I took the trash out for the first time since living here lol. Lance usually does it. I felt incredibly independent but i can't wait for him to be back lol.

 That's it for today! Tomorrow night I will get in the habit of writing every night! I need routine so bad!

first day

so today is my official first day. dropped lance off and now i can start the countdown til he comes home. i am doing this from my phone though so tonight i will make an officialy post.

sniff sniff cough cough

I want to not be sick. Is that too much to ask?? LOL. This cold is ongoing and it's a real bitch *kinda like me, so I guess I have karma to thank?* The nice thing is though that I haven't been super hungry all the time. I still wake up and get a good breakfast in. Fresh fruit, yogurts , possibly a piece of whole grain toast. I really am focused in my head but sometimes I lose track at the end of the day.

 My anxiety about Lance leaving is getting worse. I am a nervous eater, a nervous scratcher, a nervous cleaner. I find myself getting really panicked about little things right now. Clutter, unmade beds, things of that nature. I am trying to stay calm and take it day by day but the days are getting fewer and fewer and I am scared about it all. The other night Lance went out with some friends and I was here by myself. I thought it was a nice test run for what life will be like . I was so nervous to go to bed. I made a walk through of the house 4 times. Checking doors and windows and things around the outlets. I get paranoid and then I am wide awake. This cold was my saving grace because it makes me so tired at the end of the day. I am hoping after a few weeks I can get used to the anxiousness and sleep better at night. When he would be on duty in Virginia I would stay up til 3 or 4 in the morning then sleep til 10..It is not an option here because I have to get up and function for the sake of my girls. I am hoping to having to step up and not just worry about me will give me enough strength to do the things that have to be done, for my self and for them.

Im a slacker!

I have been so busy/sick the past few days I haven't focused on eating or working out or blogging at all!! I take a shot of nyquil at like 9 and am passed out by 930 lol. I didn't weigh myself on thursday either. Im just gonna guess and say I am still the same. I don't feel like I have lost or gained anything. I just feel like crap. I am hoping I can kick this thing by the end of this week. Lance's birthday/going away bash is this saturday and I want to have an awesome time!

 Yesterday we all joined my mom and went on a walk through the clear creek trail in silverdale! I loved it!! I am totally going to take the girls like once a week. Just getting out in the freezing sunshine is so good for the soul! I even jogged a bit to keep myself "in training". Even though my training right now consists of thinking about doing the run .. I am in the stage where I am mentally preparing.

 Today I am "spring cleaning". As Lance already pointed out its only February BUT in my defense I feel like I am in some way getting the house nice and clean will let the process of him leaving be a lot easier.I am re- arranging our bedroom and going through all the toys in the playroom. Ashlin got a ton of cute  stuff for her birthday and I need to make room for everything! I am hoping I can burn some calories by doing that type of stuff ALL DAY LONG.

 I might not update as often the next few weeks.But as soon as life here gets to its temporary normal I will update a lot more!

disturbed.

So  I am all doped up on nyquil so this will be a really quick so I don't fall asleep on the key board. Anyways, I was watching the news last night and learned that the FDA recently lowered the requirements for lap band surgery. A woman who is know 5'4" *my height* can now weigh 175 to qualify as long as she has a medical condition like diabetes or heart disease. That's my goal weight. MY GOAL WEIGHT WOULD QUALIFY ME. wow. i know how healthy I felt and how great I looked at 180 that this really upsets me. Blah. More on this later. I am going to bed, hopefully I dont have another hippo dream. Maybe I'll dream Im a gazelle tonight. Thatd be awesome.

birthday extravaganza!

Well more like celebrations but I had to get your attention! Obviously it was my birthday on Monday. Of course my birthday falls on the one day a year when it is totally acceptable to eat an entire box of chocolates because you are either a)in love and just enjoying a delicious gift or b) you are totally alone and wallowing in self pity. Thanks to my family I didn't have to. My box of chocolates were tiny. My ice cream cake from DQ was not. But hey it was my birthday ;)

   Along with my sweet treats,I had an amazing early birthday dinner at this place in Seattle that serves meat on swords. And it is all you can eat. Lance and I, along with my bff jess and her hubby went and gorged on amazing meats. I was wearing leggings and wished there was a way to unbutton leggings. It was so good and if I was gonna blow my diet I am glad it was on that. YUM!

  On Monday we lost power due to the awesome weather we had. We had dinner and cake at my moms and then decided to head towards Great Wolf Lodge and stay at a local hotel for the night. I packed in a hurry.. in the dark and prayed to God my power would come on soon so all my delicious and fresh veggies from my full circle farm box wouldn't go bad! *if you live in my area check them out at fullcirclefarm.com AMAZING! * We ended up staying in centrailia and getting up early and do a little shopping at the outlet malls. I love outlet malls btw!! Bargain shoppers dream come true! We had lunch with a friend then headed to the lodge!

    We went swimming and had such a good time. My girls are little fish and I love it. Not to mention a good workout for me in the wave pool! I seriously did squats while the waves were coming to make it more of a workout! I was tired by the end of the day and it didn't help that I was getting the stupid cold that's going around. Only difference is that it raged through my body giving me body aches and chills and eventually a fever. My night was spent being uncomfortable and having strange dreams. I had this dream that myself and the girls had died and came back as a momma hippo and her babies *even in reincarnation I can't catch a damn break* and the only way for us to move on was for lance to pour his heart out to me in hippo form. My best friend Jessica had to convince him that it was me because for some reason only she could understand me. It was weird. I woke up feeling a lot better though and we had some great breakfast and swam for a bit longer then headed home. It was a great trip and the girls had so much fun. I stopped a few times and really thought about the life ahead of me this year and it made me a little sad. Thank the lord its a million degrees in there and everyone is wet so that one no one could see me get all teary eyed.

  On a GREAT note, I got this awesome cook book from my mom. The hungry girls 200 under 200. A ton of recipes all under 200 calories. I am so excited to make everything in the book this year lol. That's my goal. Maybe not something every day but at least finish the cook book by the end of the year. I will totally post reviews and recipes I love on here so don't worry!! I also started the full circle farm produce box program and am so excited to keep up with that! I also got a new mixer at the outlet mall and am excited to start making my own breads and healthy snack options. I also own the deceptively delicious cook book and plan on making a lot of that too. Yummy food full of veggies is right up my alley!

   Kind of a long and boring post but thanks for checking it out!! I promise the next one will be way more interesting. I hope lol.

Goin to the lodge.

 So before my husband leaves we are taking a trip back to great wolf lodge. Last time we were there we had an amazing time. The girls love to swim and Cailyn loves going down the water slides! It is very obvious that I look less then ideal in a bathing suit. Even though mine is super cute with anchors on it. I love it!! But for some reason I feel more comfortable in that then I do in some of my clothes! I don't care what people think or say or anything. I am actually really excited to go. Cailyn thinks she is surprising me for my birthday so I can't wait to act surprised! I am packing food to help keep me on track during the day and swimming around with the girls is a great form of exercise!

 I really want to take the girls swimming alot more. I love it. Always have. When I was younger I blew through swimming lessons and I am actually pretty good at it. Considering my size I am decently graceful in the water. Like a blue whale gliding through the ocean. Unless I am wearing black and white then I am a killer whale :P

I have  had such a busy week that its no surprise to myself that I gained  a lb. Lack of sleep, the soda I drank on superbowl Sunday, and the fact that I haven't eaten much at all the past few days, these are all the reasons I can think of as to why. I am back on track today though and I will stay on track this weekend. I am getting ready to place my order for my produce box from full circle farms, and Lance is off work next week so I will get a chance to go to the grocery store by myself and focus on buying healthy foods!  I started to plan out my food menu for tomorrow so that I stick to some healthy choices. Poached eggs in the am on one slice of whole wheat toast. Subway for lunch *ive got like little to no time between events tomorrow so this is my healthy option.* Dinner is going to be a toss up but I will have some good friends with me to support my healthy choice!!!!! I need to really work on including my healthy life into my busy life! Such a balancing act, and I am no acrobat!