Wednesday, February 23, 2011

sniff sniff cough cough

I want to not be sick. Is that too much to ask?? LOL. This cold is ongoing and it's a real bitch *kinda like me, so I guess I have karma to thank?* The nice thing is though that I haven't been super hungry all the time. I still wake up and get a good breakfast in. Fresh fruit, yogurts , possibly a piece of whole grain toast. I really am focused in my head but sometimes I lose track at the end of the day.

 My anxiety about Lance leaving is getting worse. I am a nervous eater, a nervous scratcher, a nervous cleaner. I find myself getting really panicked about little things right now. Clutter, unmade beds, things of that nature. I am trying to stay calm and take it day by day but the days are getting fewer and fewer and I am scared about it all. The other night Lance went out with some friends and I was here by myself. I thought it was a nice test run for what life will be like . I was so nervous to go to bed. I made a walk through of the house 4 times. Checking doors and windows and things around the outlets. I get paranoid and then I am wide awake. This cold was my saving grace because it makes me so tired at the end of the day. I am hoping after a few weeks I can get used to the anxiousness and sleep better at night. When he would be on duty in Virginia I would stay up til 3 or 4 in the morning then sleep til 10..It is not an option here because I have to get up and function for the sake of my girls. I am hoping to having to step up and not just worry about me will give me enough strength to do the things that have to be done, for my self and for them.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Im a slacker!

I have been so busy/sick the past few days I haven't focused on eating or working out or blogging at all!! I take a shot of nyquil at like 9 and am passed out by 930 lol. I didn't weigh myself on thursday either. Im just gonna guess and say I am still the same. I don't feel like I have lost or gained anything. I just feel like crap. I am hoping I can kick this thing by the end of this week. Lance's birthday/going away bash is this saturday and I want to have an awesome time!

 Yesterday we all joined my mom and went on a walk through the clear creek trail in silverdale! I loved it!! I am totally going to take the girls like once a week. Just getting out in the freezing sunshine is so good for the soul! I even jogged a bit to keep myself "in training". Even though my training right now consists of thinking about doing the run .. I am in the stage where I am mentally preparing.

 Today I am "spring cleaning". As Lance already pointed out its only February BUT in my defense I feel like I am in some way getting the house nice and clean will let the process of him leaving be a lot easier.I am re- arranging our bedroom and going through all the toys in the playroom. Ashlin got a ton of cute  stuff for her birthday and I need to make room for everything! I am hoping I can burn some calories by doing that type of stuff ALL DAY LONG.

 I might not update as often the next few weeks.But as soon as life here gets to its temporary normal I will update a lot more!

Friday, February 18, 2011

disturbed.

So  I am all doped up on nyquil so this will be a really quick so I don't fall asleep on the key board. Anyways, I was watching the news last night and learned that the FDA recently lowered the requirements for lap band surgery. A woman who is know 5'4" *my height* can now weigh 175 to qualify as long as she has a medical condition like diabetes or heart disease. That's my goal weight. MY GOAL WEIGHT WOULD QUALIFY ME. wow. i know how healthy I felt and how great I looked at 180 that this really upsets me. Blah. More on this later. I am going to bed, hopefully I dont have another hippo dream. Maybe I'll dream Im a gazelle tonight. Thatd be awesome.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

birthday extravaganza!

Well more like celebrations but I had to get your attention! Obviously it was my birthday on Monday. Of course my birthday falls on the one day a year when it is totally acceptable to eat an entire box of chocolates because you are either a)in love and just enjoying a delicious gift or b) you are totally alone and wallowing in self pity. Thanks to my family I didn't have to. My box of chocolates were tiny. My ice cream cake from DQ was not. But hey it was my birthday ;)

   Along with my sweet treats,I had an amazing early birthday dinner at this place in Seattle that serves meat on swords. And it is all you can eat. Lance and I, along with my bff jess and her hubby went and gorged on amazing meats. I was wearing leggings and wished there was a way to unbutton leggings. It was so good and if I was gonna blow my diet I am glad it was on that. YUM!

  On Monday we lost power due to the awesome weather we had. We had dinner and cake at my moms and then decided to head towards Great Wolf Lodge and stay at a local hotel for the night. I packed in a hurry.. in the dark and prayed to God my power would come on soon so all my delicious and fresh veggies from my full circle farm box wouldn't go bad! *if you live in my area check them out at fullcirclefarm.com AMAZING! * We ended up staying in centrailia and getting up early and do a little shopping at the outlet malls. I love outlet malls btw!! Bargain shoppers dream come true! We had lunch with a friend then headed to the lodge!

    We went swimming and had such a good time. My girls are little fish and I love it. Not to mention a good workout for me in the wave pool! I seriously did squats while the waves were coming to make it more of a workout! I was tired by the end of the day and it didn't help that I was getting the stupid cold that's going around. Only difference is that it raged through my body giving me body aches and chills and eventually a fever. My night was spent being uncomfortable and having strange dreams. I had this dream that myself and the girls had died and came back as a momma hippo and her babies *even in reincarnation I can't catch a damn break* and the only way for us to move on was for lance to pour his heart out to me in hippo form. My best friend Jessica had to convince him that it was me because for some reason only she could understand me. It was weird. I woke up feeling a lot better though and we had some great breakfast and swam for a bit longer then headed home. It was a great trip and the girls had so much fun. I stopped a few times and really thought about the life ahead of me this year and it made me a little sad. Thank the lord its a million degrees in there and everyone is wet so that one no one could see me get all teary eyed.

  On a GREAT note, I got this awesome cook book from my mom. The hungry girls 200 under 200. A ton of recipes all under 200 calories. I am so excited to make everything in the book this year lol. That's my goal. Maybe not something every day but at least finish the cook book by the end of the year. I will totally post reviews and recipes I love on here so don't worry!! I also started the full circle farm produce box program and am so excited to keep up with that! I also got a new mixer at the outlet mall and am excited to start making my own breads and healthy snack options. I also own the deceptively delicious cook book and plan on making a lot of that too. Yummy food full of veggies is right up my alley!

   Kind of a long and boring post but thanks for checking it out!! I promise the next one will be way more interesting. I hope lol.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Goin to the lodge.

 So before my husband leaves we are taking a trip back to great wolf lodge. Last time we were there we had an amazing time. The girls love to swim and Cailyn loves going down the water slides! It is very obvious that I look less then ideal in a bathing suit. Even though mine is super cute with anchors on it. I love it!! But for some reason I feel more comfortable in that then I do in some of my clothes! I don't care what people think or say or anything. I am actually really excited to go. Cailyn thinks she is surprising me for my birthday so I can't wait to act surprised! I am packing food to help keep me on track during the day and swimming around with the girls is a great form of exercise!

 I really want to take the girls swimming alot more. I love it. Always have. When I was younger I blew through swimming lessons and I am actually pretty good at it. Considering my size I am decently graceful in the water. Like a blue whale gliding through the ocean. Unless I am wearing black and white then I am a killer whale :P

I have  had such a busy week that its no surprise to myself that I gained  a lb. Lack of sleep, the soda I drank on superbowl Sunday, and the fact that I haven't eaten much at all the past few days, these are all the reasons I can think of as to why. I am back on track today though and I will stay on track this weekend. I am getting ready to place my order for my produce box from full circle farms, and Lance is off work next week so I will get a chance to go to the grocery store by myself and focus on buying healthy foods!  I started to plan out my food menu for tomorrow so that I stick to some healthy choices. Poached eggs in the am on one slice of whole wheat toast. Subway for lunch *ive got like little to no time between events tomorrow so this is my healthy option.* Dinner is going to be a toss up but I will have some good friends with me to support my healthy choice!!!!! I need to really work on including my healthy life into my busy life! Such a balancing act, and I am no acrobat!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

2 more working days.

  That's my husbands last facebook status. 2 more working days. The reality of what is about to happen in the next few weeks is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I kept saying that.. oh my birthday is so far away. now its less then a week away. After that it is a hop skip and a jump til I am in this boat alone. Well physically anyway. I know he will be the best father and husband as he can be considering but still.

  The anxiety of it all is really taking its toll on me. I just hope I can sit back and enjoy his time off before he goes. I feel like there is a million things I need and want to do before he leaves and I don't have any time. The thought of it all stresses me out.. and to say Im a stress eater is an understatement.  I am trying so hard to not be. And I do know that once he leaves I am going to be more focused and determined but I still feel like I am grasping at straws with my food choices and physical activity.

  On top of that, our septic pumped backed up last night at about 7. Thankfully we rent so the cost isnt up to us but I had to gather stuff up and stay a hotel last night. The girls needed a working bathroom and Ashlin had to have a bath. Luckily it is fixed for now.  To go along with that I got some news about a friend that blew me away. Still haven't really wrapped my entire mind around it.

  But I do feel like in the face of all of this I need to gain the strength to pick myself up and do the things that need to get done. I need to make sure to enjoy the time with my husband before he leaves, I need to accept the fact that I have to be more aware of my water usage until its all able to be fixed and I need to prayer and send as much love and help to my friend right now and not focus on the things in life that don't really matter.  I need to make smart HEALTHY choices and get my butt in gear. It's not called the whale sitting her couch. Its a whale of a run for a reason! Focus. Focus. Focus.

 When you get a chance.. give someone a hug and tell them you love them. Just because you can.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Here they are

When I thought about blogging about my weight loss I thought I would be honest with my story of why I gained the weight and honest with the things I ate but I never thought Id let you guys know how much I actually weighed. Well I did. Then I thought about taking those before pictures that show you the shape of my body in black leggings and a  tank top.









But I realized the basis of my blog is to let you guys know what it is REALLY like to obese. Not what it looks like all covered up. I am warning you now that the images are not cute. Not at all. This is what it really looks like to be fat. For me anyway. Sure I can buy cute clothes, I can squeeze myself into things that make it appear smaller. But at the end of the day this is what 277 lbs looks like on my 5'4" frame.








So there you have it. This is what I look like when I look in a mirror. I hate what  I see. I know what this is doing to my body on the inside. I have cartiledge tearing in my rib cage due to the pull of my chest and stomach. My right legs goes numb sometimes due a mixture of a botched epidural procedure and the fact that my fat can help pinch the nerve that was effected.

The one thing I can take solace in is the fact that regardless of the way my body has changed my husband still loves me . He always has. What he probably doesn't love so much is how the weight has changed who I am. I am way more abrasive and I have walls up sometimes. I go into protection mode when I am fat. Even against the one person who is always by my side. But by doing this blog and seeing how many people are with me in the struggle and everyone giving great advice and not just making fun of me, those walls are coming down. I have this sense of determination inside and I feel amazing when I read the comments on here and my facebook. I plan to be the person he fell in love with , inside and out, when he gets home from school!


I cant wait to look back a year from now and see all the progress Ive made! This is the before and I can't wait for the after!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

move theater challenge

 Today I am taking the girls to watch the movie Tangeled. I am REALLY excited but worried about controlling my urges to eat the over sized and calorie filled goodies they carry. Lance gave the girls each some cash to buy some treats. I have set up a game plan for myself and I REALLY hope I don't give in. I am going to pack myself some snacks to munch on. Some pop chips, a 100 calorie pack of something chocolate and a crystal light water packet vs a soda. I am so used to eating a bunch of popcorn and some chocolate covered raisins and sharing a huge soda with lance that this is going to be a challenge. I need to learn to re think things when I am away from the house. I am also going to sit down tomorrow and redo my super bowl food list. I will have some junk for everyone else but for me I am going to make sure I have an equally good alternative! and LOTS of fresh veggies :)


oh and i took some before photos yesterday. I am still figuring out the whole post with those but as a warning they are the most unflattering photos EVER!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

oh mr sun ,sun, mr golden sun!

  It's a beautiful day in the PNW. Sunny and cold, but its gorgeous. You can see the mountains, the trees are sparkling. I love it!! It made for a great start to a tuesday morning. A fresh start is what I needed. Monday was a fail.

  Last night I got my cravings for something sweet. 2 doughnuts and 2 weight watchers candy bar ice creams, it was satisfied.500 calories worth of nothingness! Now just to be clear it didnt throw me for my calorie count. I ended my day at 2200 calories. But jeez who eats like that? I felt so embarassed that I hid in my bedroom while I ate it. WHO DOES THAT? Me thats who!!  Especially when I know I shouldn't. I did it when I was younger too. This story is totally embarassing and really shameful but its a good lesson on the fact that Im not fat solely for the face that Im lazy, but for the fact that I was living to eat and not eating to live.

  When I was 17 I made a late night trip to jack in the box. It must have been about 11 or so. I was hungry and instead of finding something healthy I waddled to my car and drove to get something quick. When I got there I had this overcoming urge to just eat til I was full. I ordered at least 5 things from the value menu and to make it worse I prentended I was on the phone with someone who I was ordering for so that the person at the window didn't think I was a pig. Which I was. If you have to pretend that  you are ordering for two chances are you aren't making right choices. I know my problems, I know my weaknesses and yet I still cant tell myself no. Trust me I have made leaps and bounds in the past few years but it doesn't make it any easier.

   Today is one of those days that I realize what a truly difficult journey this is going to be. The past week I have had more bad days then good. I haven't worked out since Thursday. I'm planning all this food for the Superbowl without taking my own diet restrictions into play. I need to rethink my game plan for this week. I am getting on the treadmill when I am done with this post. I have 5 more lbs to lose before I can get my haircut and I NEED it cut. Ive got a lot of work ahead of me the next few days but I am going to challenge myself to get on that treadmill everyday for the rest of this week. It's Feb 1st and its been 31 days since I began and almost 6 lbs is great but i need to step it up if I am going to reach any of my goals. Thanks to everyone who is rooting for me. It really does help, I just need to start rooting for myself a little more :/