Its what I hate

I have done an I love me post, I have done an I struggle post.. here is what I hate about me post. This is not a feel bad for me post. This isn't a fix me post. This is me, being honest about the things I hate about myself.

 First, I am really bad about making plans with people. I wish I wasn't but I am. I never send out those handmade invitations telling everyone to gather at my place. I don't call my friends up on a regular basis just to hang out. I don't know why, I just don't. It is a fault I have been trying to fix for years now. I just can't seem to do it. Also I am bitch. Not like a haha tell it how it is kind of bitch but I can be mean. REALLY mean. I don't have a filter and I don't have a stop button. You could be in front of me in tears and I will still proceed to tell you what a piece of shit I think you are. I get too wrapped up in people. I want to fix peoples issues and prove to them that they are better than what they give themselves credit for. Problem with that is, I come off too strong, too much, too fast. I have this fire inside of me that wants to connect to people. I can instantly tell if someone is worth it or not. Other people don't work that way and I don't understand it. I get mad when I feel rejected. I get sad when I feel forgotten. I want, no I need, to be involved in some sort of drama. Not like full on drag out fight drama. But I like to a good argument and I like to hear about other peoples problems. I judge people pretty quickly and I get super judgemental when I get jealous. And I often spout off those judgements without considering how people might feel.

I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. I have this amazing side of me that sometimes gets overshadowed by the shitty person I have grown to be sometimes. I want to help people, but wont hesitate to push them down and kick dirt on them. I will pick fights just because I want to prove that even if I'm not right, neither are you. I cross lines and blow through boundaries quicker than Usain Bolt crosses a finish line. Sometimes I wish I could tell the bitch in me to go to hell, but it's not that simple.

So in closing, here is my apology. To those have that have ever been caught in the crossfire of my inner battle between good and evil. It's been a long war and it is nowhere near over, so next time, bring protection.

Silence is the loudest noise there is.

Today is one of those days. One of those, everything sucks, I want normal life back, dont piss me off or you might get punched in the throat kind of days. I don't know what it is about this business trip that makes it harder for me. I've done 7 other deployments, a 7month stretch in ct, weeks and weeks of schools and trainings. But for some reason this one is the worst. I am grasping at straws on a daily basis to find some normalcy. I am up too late and wake up too early. I am rereading letters and emails. Staring at pictures and crying my eyes out. I can't seem to get out of my own head. I keep trying to tell myself that I am strong, I am independent. I've done this before and I have always survived. But then the scared codependent little girl inside starts crying. She needs the thing that comforts her. It's not a blanket. It's not a teddy bear. Its Lance. Lance is my comfort. He keeps me grounded. Makes my insane a little more sane. He is my everything. I love him more now, than I ever have before. I am made of gunpowder and he keeps me from exploding. I miss him so much today. I miss him everyday but today seems a little bit harder. I need him here, telling me at the end of the day how much he loves me. Giving me my goodnight kiss and giving me the comfort I need. I need that sense of safety and security that I get when I am with him. I always say I am not a princess, that I dont need saving. But today, I need my prince charming.

hello 2013

It is official. It is 2013..and I am already 12lbs lighter!! Way to go me on being ahead of the game!! Today has been a little off because I woke up super later and have'nt been feeling that great. I am still on program but I am like 2 medifast meals behind..hoping it doesn't mess with my fat burn mode!! But that aside from all of that there are some other things in my life i would like to talk about

Recently via facebook, I got into what could be by far the most typical high school argument with someone. This is a person that I never really considered a friend so why I engaged in it all is beyond me. But throughout the "discussion" I was referred to as a bully, just like I was in high school. This made me really stop and think a lot yesterday about who I am and who I was. A ton of people came to my defense and said I was the farthest thing from a bully. Which made me feel really good. I know I have always been wicked. If you cast me in a movie, I would play the villain. The bad guy. I'd be a mean girl, an evil queen, a crazy sidekick to a more evil doer...That is just how I am. I have never been a sweet talker, a princess or the hero of a story. Sometimes I don't play well with others but it never comes from a place of malice. It always comes from not having the time or space in my life for people who don't have need to fill a spot. Is that wrong?? I make room for people all the time and I always give someone a fair shake before deciding if they are worth it or not. I don't try to be rude, it just sometimes comes out that way. I don't back down from people, I don't let people get away with things. If you messed up, I will call you on it. Why not? Own up to your mistakes and shortcomings and move forward. I expect people to call me on my things too though. I don't always like it but I always except it. I never want to be a victim. I never want to have to rely on someone else to fight my battles. I have worked long and hard to make myself resilient to the harshness in my life but it has come at a price to others I suppose . I can be vengeful. You want to take me on then do it but I don't play fair. I don;t stop until I feel Ive proven what I need to prove. But I don't ever think I have ever intentionally bullied someone. I don't seek out on a day to day basis attempting to make someones day awful. I never have. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of ridicule and rejection and in my life it has never been my initial intent to make someone feel that way. Yes my words can be harsh, yes my tone can cruel. But I never start out that way. I come with a warning label. It is in the contract of every friendship I enter into. It is giving to people before meeting me and it simply states this

"I am a really nice person, as long as you don't piss me off"

I have said it so many time I am considering it as my next tattoo... but its true. Don't give me a reason to react. Be my friend, stay positive and come at with negativity in a loving way. I will never see eye to eye with anyone....well maybe one or two people... but other than that, my views, feelings and beliefs run on their own track. All by themselves. I leave myself open daily to discussions and conversations that don't always go a way I had hoped or planned. But it doesn't end friendships or make me a bully..

I hope at least some of this made sense. I am a little tired and a little sick and honestly just a  little sick and tired of it all. Thanks for reading though.. it means a lot :)