just another manic monday

 Had a great weekend with my family. Spent saturday getting everything to finish the girls' bedroom. Beds are ordered, bedding bought, tv is up. Its going to look so great. I am so excited! I stuck to my diet for the most part. My eating schedule was off but I made decent choices. I also got a new pair of running shoes. My old shoes I bought when I was 19. I will be 26 in a month. I just never have been serious enough to justify buying new ones lol. But I broke down and got some new ones and I love them. They are super cute and SUPER comfy. Cant wait to get to the gym to try em out. Im going to get on my treadmill later tonight to try em out . Hopefully this will make my training for the whale of a run easier!

  Spent yesterday just hanging around the house. I spent most of the day cleaning so I was on my feet a lot. Hopefully I burned a few calories :)

   Today the girls are going to the dentist and Ive got a few errands to run. Trying to think of something yummy and healthy to make for dinner. Im leaning towards tacos with ground turkey. Some yummy guacamole and some fresh salsa!! Okay I think I made my decision lol. Any good tips or recipes that would go with it?!

I'm there with ya.

Nothing irritates a fat person more then a skinny chick saying I'm right there with ya when its comes to diets and exercise. No... No you are not.
 
  Last night my best friend Jessica and  I had one of our.. we are going our in sweats and don't care who sees us nights. We did a little shopping *more  like idea shopping*, and got some dinner. We went to applebees because they have their new under 550 cal meals. They also have around 100 drinks. I recommend the mojito. It was delicious and guilt free!! We both drooled over the menu and the got out our phones to start looking up calories. We came to the conclusion that aside from the low cal menu it wasn't worth the calories. Not by a long shot. *75 cals in HALF a cheese stick, no thanks* We both ordered an extra side of steamed veggies and it was really filling! I was so proud of us! We can really be each others worst enemies and encourage the bad habits. While we were in the process of looking over the menu we mentioned something to our size 6 waitress about watching calories and she goes " oh yea right there with ya". SERIOUSLY? Sure maybe you are trying to get in better shape but you are not here with us. You are not going through a weight loss struggle that literally is life or death. You probably don't know what it is like to 5 minutes of a dance game and have everything in your body feel like its on fire. If you slip, no biggie, you'll just jog an extra mile tomorrow. Now I am not saying that skinnier people don't have their own weight loss / health struggles. But coming from a waitress trying to earn a tip I know it's just BS. Makes me realize what a long way I really have to go. But exercising then making a healthy dinner choice is just the things I need to do daily to reach my goals! One day at a time... that's all I can do!

a love of the outdoors!!

Along with the skinny girl in me dieing to get out, the fatty in there taking up too much space, I found out today that there is a nature lover inside me!! Every day I wake up with more and more motivation in me. Now manifesting this into results is tricky but it's there. So today I took my oldest to school and called my mom to see if she wanted to go on walk with me while I waited to pick my daughter up. I usually have about an hour or so to kill time and the sun is actually out today so some fresh air would do me and my youngest some good! We did one good lap around the neighborhood and then stopped by my sisters to get her to join us. The three of us were out, in our matching fleece vests my mom got us all for Christmas. We looked fabulous btw. We came across this dirt road and decided to take the stroller off roading!!

     It was amazing, the trees, the sun. I LOVED IT!!!! I swear by the time my husband gets back I'm gonna only eat granola and never shave my legs *jk!!* We came across this HUGE puddle. I swear it was like 10 feet wide and like 3 feet deep.. so we had to do a little maneuvering to get us all around it and dry on the other side. It was great to overcome this little obstacle because it proved to me that if I can get over the little hurdles to complete the race! It was a great  life lesson. So I think I am going to start taking the girls on weekend adventures all around the PNW . I want them to have the same love of the outdoors I discovered today. I just don't want it to take them 25 years like it did me.
   
    What amazed me was how fast time went by. We were out and about for over and hour and it didn't feel like it at all. I could've stayed out longer. So my personal goals, aside from weight loss are to get out more and show my girls the amazing things this earth has to offer us. I am going to start a garden as well. What better way to stay healthy then to walk out into the yard and pick it!

    It's ridiculous how amazing I feel right now guys. I weighed in today and I'm still 277. I think my moms scale is stuck on that number :P However I am dealing with my monthly gift and to not GAIN anything this week is a win!! I'm hoping that once its done I can see a decent number. Fingers crossed please!

insert witty title here.. im too tired to think of one.

In the theme of being honest with you guys and myself.. I did not make it onto the treadmill last night. My monthly gift showed up in the afternoon and put me in a state of pain for most of the afternoon. I did however pop a few Tylenol and dance for a bit with cailyn in the kitchen while I made dinner.. It counts for something right? I do appreciate all the motivating words though. I was just in a lot of pain yesterday. You and I both know its an excuse but I'm making it.. sorry.
 
    Last night Ashlin slept all night, it would have been great if I wasn't awake laying in the fetal position hoping I wasn't going to throw up. Even though the plus side would've been losing a little weight :P*only kidding I know that bulimia is a serious disease, if you or some one you know suffers from this or any eating disorder please contact someone who can help* I didn't get sick but I still feel uneasy today. I managed to have an english muffin for breakfast and didn't even want to eat that! I am trying to take this morning in little bits and if anything I know my eating will be ok today, Ive got some progresso chicken noodle soup and some ginger tea.

   I don't have a ton to write about this morning so I guess I will go into the whole body image thing a little more.  I always feel like alot of skinny women talk about how they have fat days.. or when they look in the mirror they feel fat. My problem is different. When I lost all that weight after high school I looked great. And even a 100 lbs+ heavier I still see that girl in the mirror. Sure I have days when i feel my size but most days I look in the mirror and see  who I once was. It's only in photos or a glimpse in a mirror or window do I see what everyone else sees. It makes it tough. I can look in the mirror and think I look great in an outfit then come to find it its anything but flattering. If I had a ton of money I am sure it would help the situation but I cant see dropping 500$ at torrid just a for a few pair of jeans and a cute top. It's hard enough to get the motivation to get dressed some morning but knowing I spent that much Id keep those items behind glass never to be touched!! I think this is why I am so excited to loose my first 30 lbs. I think this will put me comfortably in a normal size at a normal store and it wont be so hard to be fashionable on a budget. Next time you go somewhere that has a plus size section take a look at half the clothes there... they look like two squares of fabric sewn together. Seriously. Last time I checked I wasn't a square.. more like a stack of different sized tires. But not a square. So I have decided that when i loose that 30 lbs.. i get a new outfit :P

whats with today, today?

 Last nights potluck with friends was so much fun.. and  I managed to save some calories from the day for the evening and even though I stayed on track *i think* calorie wise my choices of foods weren't overly healthy. I know I felt bad about the cookie thing but then looking at the box i realized it wasn't as many calories as I thought and it made me feel a little better... but after last night, i don't wanna eat sweets again for a few days. Candace made this yummy baklava and i had two pieces and 2 cookies. BLAH. my other choices were good-so its not like i was off my cal count by 1000 calories or nothing but my stomach feels gross!!! lol.

 On top of that I got little sleep last night thanks to my youngest. She just tossed and turned and cried and screamed all night. It finally took my husband sleeping on the couch and me sleeping with my head at the end of the bed for her to go to sleep. I don't want to do anything today. But while cailyn is at school I am going to my moms and I think Ill try and do a little workout there.. If not I am definitely coming home and getting on the treadmill ..then I think I'm gonna enforce nap time today, even if it just all of us making a bed in the living room and watching a movie I am getting sleep damnit!!

*WARNING TO ANY GUY READING THIS, GIRLY TALK IS COMING..... NOW*

On top of eating junk and not sleeping my body is simulating my period but with nothing. I know this can happen after the D&C procedure so I am not worried but being on birth control has never been my favorite thing and now on top of it I am having all the normal period things, fatigue and cramps and moodiness but it feels almost worse this time. My motivation to do any form of exercise is gone this week lol. Can someone please just come and pull me onto the treadmill. *ok maybe 2 or even 3 people.. I'm a big girl.* Once I am on it I know I will do it.. and its not like I am stuck on my couch.. I move around the house all day playing with the girls or cleaning. It's just for the past few days the only interaction I have had with my treadmill is when I move it a bit to vacuum around it.

Today is just one of those days you mark in the record books as a fail. I just feel like no matter how much I say I want to workout today I know deep down I am more then likely going to go to my moms and do nothing. Then come home and make hte girls and I lunch then lay down and watch pretty little liars while the girls entertain themselves.. call it bad parenting if you want... call it laziness if you want. I'm just gonna call it Tuesday.

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy

 I had a fabulous workout. I ate really well.. like really well. Breakfast was whole wheat waffles and fruit..lunch was a smartone meal and i had a snack of sushi after the gym. Came home and ate my small plate of chicken and rice. Then I sent it all to hell *and my thighs* by making snicker doodle cookies for a potluck tomorrow night. I knew that it would be tough to not eat them so i told myself that just 1 wouldn't hurt. 1 turned into 3. I swear this is the point I get to every time. I do sooo great for a few weeks and think I have it under control then bam, the fatass inside  me sneaks up and gobbles up some cookies. Well ENOUGH! I am so done with the setbacks. Tomorrow is a new day, that's going to start with a workout and some oatmeal!!!!! 

 I know I'm gonna succeed this time because instead of saying F it and eating 3 more cookies and a glass of milk.. and some bread with nutella *i swear to everything that stuff is like crack*  I jumped on here to confess my sins before all my blog buddies. That's you guys. So this Buds for you, my inner voice telling me to put the cookie back on the plate and save those calories. that way my daughter can stop asking me why my stomach looks like I'm gonna have a baby. I hate explaining to her that I am just fat, LOL.  

PS- its not a Bud.... its another 20 oz of water :)

discouraged.

Had my weigh in today. Not good. I lost nothing. I still weigh 277. 7 days later, i weigh the exact same. UGH! i wanted to scream when i looked at the scale. I haven't had a soda in 7 days. I've been eating well. I discovered a weakness for nutella....but i really limited myself to how much of it i ate!!! I tried drinking a ton of water. I know that these things happen but for someone like me who has a ton of weight to lose a zero week is a huge set back. I wanted to at least see a 2 lb loss this week.

 Usually at this point I would come home and drown my sorrow in a can of soda and a bowl of something full of calories and carbs. But I didn't. *BREAKTHROUGH* I have finally broken my creature of comfort attitude. Instead of spending all day bummed and pouting about it I think I should focus on the good. I had a great workout while cailyn was at school, I had yummy breakfast and a good lunch. I FEEL better then I did last week and tomorrow is a new day to try it all again. Any words of wisdom are welcome though, I feel like advice would help get me through this next week to make sure i see a weight loss on the scale!


  Hopefully my positive attitude carries through this week. Fingers crossed!

i thought weekends were suppose to be relaxing?

I feel like this is the first chance Ive gotten to sit down in the past 4 days. Granted I did it to myself but I know I am going to sleep well tonight because I am exhausted.
   I had one major slip this weekend, it was thursday night at about 10 pm. We had gone to target since Cailyn was with my mom and Ashlin had taken an extra long late nap. Lance as hungry and wanted Nasty crap in a box so I pulled into the drive and almost like a force a habit I started figuring out what I wanted. I dont even think I was really hungry, just felt like I needed, no, DESERVED to eat something. I did however look at ALL the calorie numbers and decided to only to get a sourdough jack. More like sourdough garbage. After I sat and enjoyed every greasy messy bite I wanted to throw up. I felt insanely guilty like I had betrayed someone. There was this knot in my stomach and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night feeling uneasy and awful. OK not REALLY but close. The grease made me sick feeling and I did regret it. But I slept fine and went on about my friday. I did amazing at sticking to my calories.
   I worked at the trading post on saturday and thank god Michelle is so supportive. She dug through her freezer and found me a lean cuisine for lunch :) We went to a birthday party and chuck e cheese and I bypassed the fries and wings on the plate and reached for the celery. I ordered a salad bar when the pizza came out. And I even asked the girl to cut me a small slice of cake from the center to avoid the calories in an edge piece. I thought for sure someone was going to present me with a medal and award and possibly a trophy for all my hard work. But they didn't so I just gave myself a pat on the back and that was that. I figure when I reach my goal I'll make myself a medal to wear to remind me of these small moments that lead to the big victory. Something flashy, with sparkles.
   Today has been a great day. We went to my best friends house to watch the seahawks game and had a great breakfast. Since she is also trying lose weight she made sure that the pancakes were lo cal and that the syrup sugar free. There was veggie bacon and sausage for us watching our wasitlines and I brought some fruit. I ate plenty and didn't feel guilty about one single bite. The game had its ups and downs but my highlight was trying out their kinect for the xbox. TOTALLY buying it. They had that dance game and after one round of poker face on easy I was sweating my ass off. Seriously. It was slightly embarassing but awesome because I know when I can get a good workout in if we buy it!!  After that amazing display of talent I came home and waited for gym buddy to get here.
  Thats right gym buddy!!! Jackie and I go every Sunday and today I did AMAZING. Well amazing for my standards. As silly as it may sound last week it took me 21minutes to walk a mile. Today I changed up my pace and ran for a minute , every 5 minutes. I was able to cut off 4 mins. I did my mile in 17:03. I know it seems really slow for alot of you but COME ON I weigh 277 lbs. Being able to walk around the store without needing a little rascal is an achievement for someone my size!*Ive never needed a scooter except when I hurt my ankle when I was 14 just an FYI* So my goal for next week is 16 minutes. I think I can do it and the more I lose the easier it gets. I will be able to run a mile by may. I WILL! I WILL! I WILL! ,.... I think. I hope.....no, I WILL!




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must be doing something right!

Ive been trying to refrain myself from weighing myself more then once a week, but today at my moms i gave in to the temptation. The scale was just sitting there.. looking so lonely. It was practically begging me to jump on. Oh boy Im glad I did. Since I weighed in on Sunday at 280 I expected to still be there .. maybe 279 if I was lucky. I havnt worked out nearly enough this week but my eating has stayed on track. Well I must be doing something right because I weighed in at 277!!! I couldnt believe it. I stepped off and stepped on again just to make sure. I was delighted when the same number popped up again!

    Now I know some of you are probably like ... why would you be happy about weighing 277...thats the same weight as a playgroup of 10 2 year olds! But for me 5 lbs in 13 days is great. Im right on track to my goal and that's amazing to me! Its so hard for me to stick with it but seeing the results makes this a hell of a lot easier. Before I weighed myself at my moms I did a pretty good workout. I did 7 minutes of boxing, 5 minutes on a bike, 5 on the Eliptical and about 10 more minutes doing weights. I felt great, and was happy that after my workout I chose to refuel wit ha few pieces of lunchmeat and a banana, instead of rewarding my hard work with one of the gorgeous doughnut holes sitting on my moms counter. And Im not done for the day. I need to organize the girls playroom and so I know Im gonna burn some calories in there!

   Oh and I found something out that really shocked me, I guess now you are suppose to drink half of your body weight in ounces of water a day. I have to drink at least 135 ounces a day. I maybe MAYBE get 80 ounces on a good day. So here is to no more soda or juice or tea... strictly water from here on out. and coffee.. god i cant live without coffee! So to all of you out there that read this that are trying to lose the lbs too, you can do it! small steps is all it takes, and you will succeed! Good luck!

i made a mistake

 Yesterday was awful. I ate pretty well for most of the day. Until the girls want a piece of christmas candy . I rummaged through the candy bowl that i hid inside the cupboard out my eye sight. I spotted this yummy little treat.. a sugar free chocolate marshmellow snowman. Needless to say that led to me eating 2 oreos. not THAT bad but i still feel really guilty. I had massive headache all day so I didnt do anything that even came close to a workout.
    I did however make a really great dinner. Stuffed peppers with brown rice and ground turkey. Ive got plenty left over for lunch today and Ive only eaten 1 midsize pancake with a little bit of syrup and my coffee. Staying on track so far and Im REALLY aware today. 1 small slip and I feel like garbage.
  I do plan on getting a good workout in. Ashlin has been napping in the afternoon because she is getting her molars in. So hopefully today will be the same and I can bust out the treadmil and get my cardio on!! going for an hour total today. between some balance ball and cardio workout.. hope i dont lose motivation!!
  But as guilty as I feel I will say those oreos were DELICIOUS!

pop chips!

As I posted before I lost 2 lbs this last week. Kudos to me !!!! I feel like Im starting to get the hang of all of this. The calorie counting is easier and I can pretty much steer clear of "bad foods". It's hard but slipping up means I have to work harder to work off those calories.
   
 Yesterday I went with my friend Jackie to the gym. That's where I did my weigh in. I wanted to see 279 but Ill take my 280. I then proceeded to the tredmil and did a great 45 min cardio workout. I mostly power walked but for the last few minutes I started jogging. I figure if I jog a little longer every time the whale of a run wont be so hard! We then did a little weight training and we were done. It was a great workout and I was proud of myself!! We headed to the store after where Jackie bought this delicious turkey wrap and I purchased a bag of pop chips. We decided to share :)

  I LOVE POP CHIPS! I've never had them before and was surprised at how good they were. And the entire bag has less then 350 calories. Not saying I would sit and eat a whole bag, even though I totally could, but if I saved up some of my calories for the day I wouldnt feel as bad about eating them as a snack at night. I love chips, and I really feel like these were a decent alternative.

 This week I will be working on cutting out soda. I'm hoping it will help reach my 3 lb goal this week.  I see lots and lots of water in my future.. yum!




 Also if anyone has any good recipes that are low cal let me know!! my friend candyce is sending me some fab ones but I'm trying to fill my recipe box to make my life easier when my husband leaves!

 

weigh in

so i weighed in today.. im 280 now! thats minus 2 lbs... i know its not much but if i can loose 2 lbs a week all year thats alot of weight :) so here's to 2 more lbs or more next week!!! but im watching the cape so Ill update better tomorrow on my awesome workout and my love of pop chips!!

its the little things right?

   I didn't have time to update this morning and Im tired so this is going to be a half attempt at a post.
    I'm doing well. Yesterday I really had my myself convinced NOT to workout. I though oh, this will be my off day. Considering it was dark and gloomy all day I thought a better plan was to lay around and do nothing.. not even turn on a light. I was going to sit in the dark, doing nothing. At least I wasn't planning on sitting in the dark scarfing down a box of oreos right? I mean to me, thats a successful day. Instead after dinner my husband started playing some music and I danced around my kitchen. Then decided to grab my balance ball and do some mild exercises. Crunches, twists, so on and so forth. Probably a total of about 30 mins in all and I thought.. gosh that was easy. I realized I dont have to jog on my tredmil for 5 hours a day as long as I do little things everyday I will reach my goal. 

   I feel like for the most part I've gotten my eating under control. I still have a hard time not snacking at night but I will choose one of my hundred calorie packs or about 10 cheez its or something. I use to eat a bowl of sugary cereal or like 10 cookies and a huge glass of milk. Its taking sometime but Im getting the hang of it all. Making small changes will add up to big results. At least I'm hoping. 

   Im weighing in on sunday when i go to the gym. I think Im gonna try to get to the gym at least 1 day a week for a really good workout. Once it gets easier I will up the days. But for right now a 2-3 hour workout 1 day a week seems manageable, but I will still continue to do all the little things around here.


Have a fab weekend everyone and GO HAWKS!

the dress!!

http://www.unique-vintage.com/stop-staring-style-emerald-geen-lovespell-shoulder-prom-dresses-p-8899.html



there it is!!!! oh i love it!

Sweating in places that I didnt know exsisted.

  Anyone who has a decent concept of being healthy exercises. In some shape or form at least a few times a week. I already said that I had gone to the gym for a few months at least 3 or 4 days a week. So exercising now isn't foreign to me, and with a tredmil in my house it makes it easier...right?

    Not really. With kids and the fact that I am a lazy ass getting on the thing is like trying to Lady Gaga into a pair of jeans. It can be done but at some point you feel like it isnt worth the effort. But I have that image of me in the green dress plastered on the front of my brain and its really giving me motivation * i even practiced poses for when I'm wearing the dress* Well yesterday seemed especially hard to get any exercise in. I did 100 side steps before I started folding laundry and I folded it while balancing on my yoga ball. Neither will make my a size 6 but I have to do something. The weather made me want to curl up on the couch with the girls and do nothing. But I told myself that if I can just keep moving in some shape or form it's better then sitting my ass down on the couch in the groove Ive already made for myself. I finally decided that once Lance got home and was able to keep the girls away I was going to get on the tredmil. And I did.
  
    It sucked. I don't know which I hate more. Feeling parts of my body rub together that shoul never meet, or the voice in my head that tells me to get my ass off of there and eat a cookie. I truly am my own worse enemy. I discourage myself all the time. Right about the 10 minute mark I want to give up. I'm hot and sweaty and feel gross. But 9 times out of 10 I keep going. I made it 20 minutes then the girls were out of the bath and I had to get back to life. But 20 minutes is better then nothing. When I was done I felt good, disgusting and sweaty but good. I'm one day closer to my goal and all I can do is take it a day at a time. I am going to slip up and I am going to have days where I listen to the voice inside me and I sit on the couch. But they will be few and far between. I hope. 


I ate pretty well yesterday. probably about 2000 calories. which is 100 more then I am aiming for but lance brought home some really good chocolate covered pretzels. I had 3. Before I would've eaten the whole bag, and then craved more. I think I would have probably dreamed about them. Sad times for me.














i




 

Its not about a number.

 I'm trucking along through my first week of the rest of my life. I'm getting very aware of my eating habits. Some are hard to break like my snacking at night, others are easy, like reading the label or looking up a calorie count before I eat it. One thing that has always been tough is cooking for my family. I love a wide variety of foods, some healthy, most not. My husband is from the south and loves his fried food and potatoes. He isn't much a veggie eater but trust me he is trying. I think it's more for me then him but I love that he is trying :P I always want to make something he will eat and I feel like in doing that Ive been sabotaging myself. Well last night I stopped. 
        
    I made some REALLY good baked Tillapia fish with some great seasonings and a pinch of bread crumbs. I also baked up some zuchinni and yellow squash. That was dinner. My husband isnt a seafood fan but I love it.  For the first time in over a year I didn't cater to the tastes of someone else and for go the healthy option. I also realized he is perfectly capable of finding something else to eat, and he did. I had a delicious, healthy dinner followed by a pinch bowl of cut up bananas and blueberries with a tbsp of organic vanilla yogurt. It was so good. 
   
    I woke up this morning feeling thinner. Even though I haven't stepped on the scale yet for my weigh in I FEEL 10 times better and honestly at this point I'm gonna call that a win so far. I can't wait to work out today and continue my healthy habits. 

   I also am excited to finally be ordering my first produce box. My friend Sara *her blog about her home is incredible!* actually sent me the link a year ago and I wanted to do it but honestly was nervous about the produce I would be getting and that it might be stuff that either my family wouldn't like or I wouldn't know how to use. But now I don't care. I will find a recipe that will great and healthy for me and my family regardless the piece of produce.

 On a side note, my daughters got all this play food for Christmas and right now are playing with it all. I asked my oldest to bring me something healthy and she found the fruits and veggies and brought them to me. She put the carrots on the pretend bun and told me it was a carrot  hamburger. I just realized that in giving myself a new lease on life I am setting a better example for my girls and that feels great. I can't wait to get them in the kitchen to start helping make healthy meals and snacks!

  Time to get my butt in gear!!!

I have a fat closet.

 I've been blessed with amazing people in my life. One of them has been my best friend for about 13 years. She  also had has a struggle with the lbs like me. But lucky for her she has the gift of style. She can always looks great and put together and she can rock a pair of high heels better then most 125lb girls! I however cannot. Sure I try.. but the struggle in the morning to get there is awful. It always involves at least 3 "im so fats" 1 " omg i look disgusting" and at least 5 things flung wildly off my body and thrown against the wall. I recently went through and organized my closet. I've got mild ocd I think. Its all color cordianted and stacked nice and neat. There was something I realized in this process though. I HAVE A FAT CLOSET.

    My stack of sweat pants out piles my stack of jeans by like 6 pairs. Most of my clothing is black and what isn't black I barely ever wear. Sure Ive got some cute key peices but alot of it goes unworn, hell a lot of it goes untouched unless I'm rearranging my color order. But its the the sweat pants thing that is starting to get to me. I really think it's my sweat pants fault that Im fat. That why I have so many pairs. Stupid sweatpants.
  
      I think I wear jeans like once a week.. I will attempt to pull off the sweatpants as an outfit just for the sake of comfort. Im tired of it. I want to pull on jeans and t shirt and have that be cute and comfortable. Instead when I put that on I look feel fat and decide that I am so fat anyway that people expect to see me in sweats so on the go. If its not freezing outside normally I throw them on with a pair of flip flops. Yup. regardless the season I still wear flip flops. I've got my reasons. 1- regardless of how fat the rest of me gets me feet are still semi cute. 2- I don't want to bend over to tie my shoes. Awful I know but its the truth. I'd rather save that energy for the walk to the car. I cant wait for the day when I head out the door in jeans and cute top and some adorable heels just because I can. 

     My best friend was over yesterday for lunch and we were discussing our weight loss goals and plans. She also wants to lose 100 lbs. I joked that we can go on people magazines half their size issue and be the best friends that lost a whole person between them, then she point out that the person we would lose would still be considered fat. And shes right. A 211 lbs person is obese. Makes me really take a long hard look at where I am at. I weigh a large child more then that and that makes me angry. Angry enough to stick with the changes I'm making.

Workout yesterday- 30 mins on the tredmil and all day cleaning the house and staying up and active.

Food for yesterday- I added it up to be about 1900 calories. only one slip and it was a dark chocolate hershey kiss that once i swolled it I wanted to reach down and grab it out. Seriously.

The hardest part.

 I know right now is the hardest part of it all. Eventually it will get easier to exercise and easier to eat better but right now its a struggle.
   However, I'm doing it!! I am starting to figure out little tricks that are going to help me. I made some bannana yogurt muffins for the girls on saturday night. I used spelnda instead of sugar and made them mini muffins in stead of giant muffins. Makes my calorie count about 1/3 of that of the normal muffin,which has  220 calories. I also stratgically placed them in front of the tower of cupcakes I made on NYE. It's a reminder to me of what my days are about. A reminder that I need make healthier options. 
    We went to Port Angeles yesterday. Eating healthy at my dads house is like eating only 1 plate at a buffett.. impossible. No fault to my dad but fresh fruits and veggies are really his thing. But I got smart and packed a few 100 calorie packs with me and made sure I had a good breakfast before I left. My step mom made shrimp fettucini for dinner. I measured out 1 cup and that was that. No more. Even though it smelled amazing I knew that without working out yesterday my calorie count was the only thing keeping me on track.  And even more so then that, I thought about all the people who have given me so much support in these past few days. I cannot let you guys down!
    I did find a little more motivation though. There is this shop in downtown Pa  that is incredible. Its got all this amazing looking vintage dresses and shoes. If I was tiny enough I would totally rock the pinup girl look. They had this amazing emerald green dress. It was the most simple, sexiest dress I have ever seen. And its what I am going to wear next new year eve. Ive got the date, the dress and the attitude. Now I just need the results.
    Im going to finish my cup of coffee *12 oz, 1 tbsp of powdered creamer, 2 tbsp sugar free hot cocoa mix = 90 calories* and eat my whole grain waffle with 1/5 cup of sugar free syrup. *=200 calories* then getting my ass on the tredmil thats staring me down in the corner of my living room.  30 minutes this morning and 30 minutes later this afternoon. Going to try and build up to 3 hours a day. No pain No gain right?
    Hope everyone has a great monday! Here I go!
       

1-1-11

Todays date intrigues me. I know numbers like this happen all the time but in my case i feel like it is really telling me something. This is the first day of this long journey.. i also think Im going to revamp my goal number.. 111 lbs by 1-1-12. 
    
     In the tradition of first I did something today that Ive never really done before. I made a trip to the store today and parked in the parking spot farthest away from the door. You always here everyone say the first step is the hardest.. so I figured those first 200 might be torture. It wasn't. In a weird way I felt really proud of myself when I reached the store. No one around me knew it but I was screaming with excitement inside. I think these little moments are the ones I am most excited about. The little go me moments that mean nothing to anyone else BUT me. These will keep me going.

    I think I did alright on my calories today. Im pretty sure I am right about 1600 for the day. The amazing thing is is that I dont feel hungry. I keep telling myself in my head, Eat to live don't live to eat. 

    It's hard. REALLY hard. But I AM going to succeed at this and I will NOT fail. 

Happy New Year everyone !