I get bored, REALLY bored, once my kiddos go to sleep. I have super badass insomnia, and when I do sleep, I don't sleep well alone. I am a social person and love to know whats going on with people. But the rules of friendship include a "don't call me at 11pm just to chat" clause I think. So facebook it is. Plus it gives me a chance to creep peoples facebook photos. (that however leads to some super strange dreams, anybody wanna hear about my bonnie and clyde dream from the other night?!). I also post alot of self taken, angled right, head shots. The reason why I do this is far more detailed than just being bored.
Before I begin to explain. Let me say this, I am PERFECTLY happy with myself, my husband and our marriage. We go through our rough patches like all couples and I am about to discuss one of those patches. This however is in no means an indication as to where we are today.
It started about 2 years ago when Lance was forced to move to CT for 8 months. We didn't go with him because of school and dance and we didn't want to lose the house we were renting. So I stayed here and he went there. It was REALLY hard. I missed him more than anything, even though we talked two or 3 times day. However after a few months, it became hard to find stuff to talk about and I felt like we were drifting. My husband is not a man of many words. He talks, but not a lot about how he feels. (he is a lot better now FYI) It is SUPER hard to feel like you mean something to someone with just a few I love yous at the end of a phone call. So I got this brilliant idea that if I started posting cute photos of myself on facebook, or text them to him, it might get him to tell me how beautiful I am or something. Well it didn't really work. What it did do though was get me a lot of positive feedback from other people though. Growing up fat alot of the feedback I got was on how to lose weight or how awesome my personality was. For one of the few times in my life I had so many people telling me how gorgeous I was. I couldn't believe it. I guess I enjoyed hearing it. What it did for my self esteem was incredible. I got a lot of my confidence back, you know that stuff I lost after gaining 100lbs during my first pregnancy? I felt amazing. However, the person I really needed it from, wasn't telling me that. I later found out that he did love the pictures, just assumed I knew that. (never assume guys, never). After a very very hard conversation that lead us to a place that was closer to the end than we have ever been before. We started fixing things. It took awhile. A long while. But it happened. We worked through our issues and things are great.
However when he is gone, I turn into this self loathing whoa is me girl who needs to be reassured about how incredible she is. I have issues. I know this. I get scared he is going to leave me, I worry I am not as good as other women. I have fears of ending up alone. When he is gone, these are worse. He isn't here to comfort me and reassure me that I am the one he loves. Aside from a few emails telling me how I am his whole world, I don't get much. Bring in the slew of self portraits and people telling me how great I look and voila, I am back to the confident self assured woman I usually am. Is this crazy, YUP! It sure is. but its me, and aside from heading down to my local therapist I just have to work through these issues on a day to day basis.
I know a lot of you may look at me different now, or judge me for all of this but I don't care. I am done caring. This is me, flaws, issues, everything. Like the famed song from Rent, "take me for what i am who i was meant to be and if you give a damn take me baby or leave me." I don't need lectures. I don't need fixed. I am not a princess that needs saving. I just need friends who love me for me.
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