phoned in

my computer is being lame so I will be using my phone  to blog for a bit. yay for smart phones!!  I have  been doing great on my food plan and not so great on exercising. I am heading to the gym today but i really need to get an at home routine down. I watched that extreme makeover weight loss edition last night and i want a home gym.  the girls dont really need a play room do they ?? just kidding!

Not much else to blog about today. Tonight I am making eggplant lasagna and I am really excited about it. No noodles means its perfect for me. Comfort food done right :) I will post pics ans recipes later tonight or tomorrowa

for the love of me.

I made a new friend today. Her name is Meghan *sorry if I spelled it wrong!!* Like myself she is a fluffier gal and totally sweet. She is a navy wife, a mom, and is also in a battle with weight loss. We talked for a bit at the gym and it felt great. We shared workouts and diets and our setbacks, our stories and our struggles. We shared that we both have hid food from our husbands or lied about the consumption. We talked about our fear of water slides cracking beneath our butts at great wolf lodge. I left the gym feeling great about my new friend and really excited to have met her. She is working out 5 days a week and like me her husband is gone to protect the world :P I am hoping to meet up with her during workouts over the summer and hopefully we can sweat side by side and loose some lbs!!!

She told at one point that she loved my attitude. I realized I love my attitude too. Yes I am fat. Yes it sucks. But you know what.. deep down I love me. Always will. I'm beautiful in and out and that counts for more then a number on a scale. But a smaller number wouldnt be so bad ;P

 I am weighing in tomorrow . I'm feeling great and and hopefully for a decent number. I watched the biggest loser finale tonight and for the first season ever I ate apples instead of ice cream. Who am I? LOL. I didn't follow this season but still managed to tear up during it. I'm pretty much ridiculous. I also downloaded this little app on my phone called virtuagym. It gives a few little at home workouts and gym workouts. Quick little stuff that should be easy for me to do in the am! I will start tomorrow morning and I will let you know how it goes haha

For now I am going to drink some crystal light tea and play coin pirates on my phone.. thanks husband for getting me hooked. Goodnight Loves!

Good morning monday!

So since my last post on Wednesday I have felt so busy!! I think on Friday I fell asleep by 10pm. It was absurd. I finally have a down morning.. hell an entire down day to be exact and I felt like a blog was in order. The soda I had the first part of the week was awful. Gained 2 lbs back and felt so gross until about yesterday. ICK. I will stick with water and crystal light from now on.

My topic of choice this morning stems from the sunny weather we were having. The dreaded bathing suit season! Last week I read on a friends facebook this  status " dear bikini season. F*ck you" I laughed at first then thought.. Wow.. this is crazy. In my opinion that friend of mine has an amazing body that I would ACTUALLY kill for. She is beautiful and I never thought her of all people would hate bikini season. I guess I never thought that body image is a struggle for EVERYONE. On Friday another friend received a bathing suit in the mail while I was at her house. I expected her to pull out this tiny little bikini because if I had her body I would wear one all the time. Even to the grocery store. Instead she pulled out this beautiful one piece with a skirt type bottom. I was like OMG!!! Even I venture out in a tankini. But again, she isn't the same as she once was. I would love to meet a gal that LOVES her body in a bikini. EVERY inch of her body. I put on a suit while in port angeles and was happier with what I saw. I didn't love my image but its getting there. Plus my bathing suit is adorbs.. black and pink with anchors on it..<3 it!

So on a related topic. I found my lounge chair. Rite aid has it.. rite aid of all places. Being a once income family money isn't free flowing so I have to wait til we get paid to buy it and I really hope they have some left. I cant wait to get out there and relax in the sun. Part of my excitement is when its nice and hot outside I rarely crave the crap food that made me fat. I want fruits and veggies and water.

This morning I made some really great blt wraps.

delicious right? No bread required!!

Another thing I am excited about is that I am finally getting "my look" down. I took some cell phone pics of me trying out some different makeup and things trying to see if I could really pull off this pin up thing. *btw I thought of a perfect persona for me - Holli the housewife :) I could put a sexy spin on a June Clever kind of look ;P * Here are some shots I took.

i cant believe its only wednesday.

Long week..er half off a week, On Saturday my grandfather passed away. Unexpected and very difficult to deal with. I don't think it has totally sunk in yet to me. Ive spend the last 3 days around family that came in to be here for hte viewing and yet it still doesn't seem real. I'm learning alot about my family and myself in this situation. Def learning to appreciate who I have around me way more then what I have around me.

Another thing I am learning is to not put off the things I want to do so badly out of fear. As all of you readers know I want to do a pin up shoot. I facebooked this amazing photographer *shout to Andrea for letting me know about her!!* Her work is amazing and she seems awesome. Now due to money and time commitments I cant do her upcoming curvy girl shoot but I am going to book a shoot for as soon as I get back from VA. No matter what size I am at that time I'm doing it. No more excuses, I love me and I am going to show off what i think is an amazing face and a fantastic rack :) Now taking outfit suggestions !!!

I haven't stepped on a scale in days. I ate decent *not totally on diet* and went swimming. Tomorrow is a fresh day.. cant wait to make my sausage egg scramble for breakfast and salad for lunch...going to the gym tomorrow.. i need to take out some stuff on the elliptical. i cant believe its already summer nad i am no where near where i wanted to be. Oh well.. my goal is 15lbs by June 1st!!!

the fun house mirror effect.

It's a wide known fact that most women stand in front of a mirror and complain about how "fat" they look. They wish there thighs were smaller or that didn't have that little belly. They pinch, the poke, they suck and they tuck. It is just how women are. But what I find weird is that I do the opposite. I think I look smaller then I really am, I see the skinny girl buried inside. I always step away thinking, "wow you look great today" Its hard to look at candid shot of myself. I have perfected the art of the facebook self portrait. Head tilted right.. chest up and only take it when I am all made up. In candid shots though I see the me everyone else sees and its tough. I see the fat me.

The good news is, is that since last Thursday I have lost 5 lbs. I am doing so good and its really easy to not eat the carbs. I feel lighter every day :)

Making my grocery list was easy.. meats, veggies, hot dogs *well turkey dogs, no red meat for this gal* Simple. easy. cheap. <3 it <3 it <3 it.

I feel my confidence coming back... I feel my sexy coming back * yes cue J Timba now* I am sticking with this one.. i hope :)

I know it seems like I have this pattern of losing, gaining, starting, stopping. It's because that's exactly what I am doing. Life being overweight is consumed with food, what you should and should not eat. It is overran with thoughts of being thin and fantasizing about the clothes you'll be able to wear and the things you will be able to do. Its a battle. Day in and day out. Slowly, one step and one day at a time I am fighting this battle. With every lb gone I am winning my battle.

booking it

So I have decided to write a book. Bascially along the same lines as my blog, a first hand look at what being overweight is. I have about 7 chapter titles so far and am really excited to start on it. It may or may not pan out but I am going to give it a go. I am really excited and I hope
I can count on you guys to buy it when it hits shelves..:)

Another positive thing is that I am down 4lbs since thursday. I know the atkins works so I am not surprised really, but I am excited! I had a fantastic mothers day and stepping on the scale was the icing on the non existant cake!! My mom got me a bunch of outdoor garden stuff so I can get my green thumb on!! Now if I can just get some sun Ill be set!

I know this is a short post but Ill think of something fun to write about for tomorrow.

my life flashed before my eyes.

Ok not ACTUALLY but kind of.

Backstory.. my mom watched the girls today for me so I could see a movie with my bestest friend ever, jessica. Now like me jessica loves sweat pants and buffetts...so of course she has a similar body shape as me. We will refer to us as "pillowy".  Well today while heading toward the theater we caught a glimpse of something thats frightened us. Here come these two ladies walking towards.. obviously bffs such as ourselves, one in her fabulous velour sweats and matching athletic top and rocking an awesome ponytail, and the other, in jeans and a cute top with some sort of cardigan or jacket over it. She had her cut short but it was dyed in some reddish tones.. both women were "pillowy" also. We both look at each other knowing what the other is thinking "thats us". I was clearly the one in the velour sweats and jessica was the more stylish one.

This scared the shit out of me.
 I dont want either of us to be like that 15 years from now. I dont even want us to be that way 15 months from now. We are both going about this our own ways and I am happy to report she has lost 12lbs this week,. me not so much but I am getting there. Seeing what the future looks like is freaky but i think it gave us a reason to stick with it all this time. Here is to a great week next week and lots of lbs shed and gone!!!

No means No

So I am saying bye bye to carbs tomorrow. No breads no pastas no potatos! Ive done it before and I know it works so why not. I am setting a short term goal of july 1st and at the point I will reevaluate my diet choices. I just need to lose a decent chunk before I board the plane to visit lances family.

 Now I know most people have their opinions on different diets and exercise programs but please dont lecture me. I know all hte goods and the bads and as an adult I am making my own choices to acheive what I want to achieve. Thanks :)

Its almost summer and the only thing I want is a nice lounge chair for my back porch. I plan on wasting away my summer by watching the girls play in the backyard while I get my tan on!  I think I read somewhere that tan fat looks better then white fat so at least Ill have that working for me!

Life pretty much sucks without the husband but I am functioning. Went swimming today with my sister and had alot of fun!! Hopefully we can go alot more. It was a good workout and hte girls loved it so its a win win.

I am tired so its bedtime for me. Had some friends over for a cinco de mayo dinner and as hard as it is to believe i am leaving the mess til the morning...Ive got a date with a smoldering vampire *vampire diaries is on tonight* so im calling it an early night.