a real computer!!

I am at my moms for a bit tonight so I am taking advantage of having an actual computer to blog from. This blog might get a bit long and wordy so proceed at your own risk :)

First off I am at 263.. 4 more lbs and I will be in the 250s. Still a whale but a smaller one none the less. Its hard sometimes to remember how big I really am *remember my skinny girl in the mirror post?* Especially since everyone is being so kind with their words to me. But alas, today I had a fat moment. I went cake testing with a good friend and bride to be, fine a few bites does me more good then harm * it gets my sweet tooth sweet enough without going overboard* Afterwards we went to Red Robin. I made a healthy choice and that's great. However her friend that came along with us had a baby. She set her carseat in the booth and we had to push the table back a bit, leaving me with a space that is adequate for a normal size person but for me it was a tight squeeze. It was the first time in months I have been truly embarrassed about my size. They ladies didn't make a big deal about it but I felt insecure. When I went to the bathroom, I couldn't help but look in the mirror and tell myself of disgusting I was... I guess it made it alot easier to order healthy instead stuff I shouldn't it. Call it what you will but it worked for me. I hate being reminded of what I really am on the outside.

I went to target yesterday and found this adorable long dress that i LOVE. One thing I don't love is the numbered sizing of plus size clothes. 1 *plus size* 2 *fat* 3 *fatter* and 4 *whale*. I mean sure I don't want to be reminded of my number but in the same sense I feel like the chart was created because a simple l xl and xxl wouldn't suffice. A bigger girls life is consumed by number. Calories, weight, how many oreos she can eat in a sitting without guilt, and now the clothes we buy come down to a number as well. I think its a horrible joke designed by skinny bitches to make me more aware of the extra fluff Ive got. Ugh. Bitches. LOL

All negativity aside I am feeling great. Tired lately but that's a given with 2 kiddos full time thanks to summer vacation! Im starting to feel more beautiful each and every day. and with the year half way over I am glad that this wasn't another year and another resolution wasted. I feel like even though I might not be on track to reach my goal by NYE I am well on my way to a healthier rest of my life. It better get ready because here I come!