losing someone helps you gain perspective.

What a weekend. I don't think I have ever been this mentally exhausted in my life. Over the course of 4 days I dealt with the loss of a family member, the possible loss of a paycheck, the loss of my dads marriage and house, the loss of my cool with a jerk at the restaurant, the loss of my diet, and eventually the loss of my  sanity. 4 days worth of losses makes me really think about what I have in my life.

My first loss, the passing of my aunt Debbie. She was a great woman and her death leaves a whole in the hearts of everyone around her. The only positive about the situation was she brought all my family together. I have spent more time with my cousins this weekend then i have in the last 5 years combined.
I know she is in heaven smiling down on all of us  as we reminisce and look through old family photos. She is up there watching and waiting for hte rest of us. I just keep telling myself she is up there at her best and no longer suffering at her worst.

The 2nd loss made me more sick to my stomach then I already was. The potential government shut down made me panic. Half of a paycheck is almost worse then at all. Trying to figure out what gets paid and what gets put on the back burner and how to manage food and gas. Thank God someone somewhere pulled their heads out and it didn't actually happen. It was an added stress I didn't need though.

While staying with my dad and step mom I witnessed what years of fighting does to a marriage and a love that was once there. The arguing was painful to watch and it was even harder for me to know my kids were there watching it . Ive tried my whole adult life to not do that. I am not always successful but I try. It was hard to watch my dad deal with the loss of his sister and have to attempt to move out. It was the most stressful on my sanity. It  made me more thankful then I have ever been to have Lance in my life.

The jerk at the restaurant story boils down to this. Me and a longtime friend Rachel went to have lunch. she also has a daughter close to Ashlin's age. The girls were making noises but none of them were running around and none of them were being any louder then normal. At one point Rachel did tell zoey to shh and this guy who was eating with what i assumed were his wife and adult son said , Thank you finally. Thats all it took. i lost it. I told him he had no right to try and make us feel embarrassed about being out to lunch with our kids. At one point his wife told me that I needed to teach them some manners,For any of you that have met my kids know that Cailyn especially has amazing manners. I continued to tell him that we had every right to be there and were sat back in the corner for a reason. This place is a diner type setting and seems family friendly. The adult son had the nerve to tell me " this isn't a daycare honey you are delusional" I simply responded with you're right its not because Nobody else is watching our kids but us. The guy is lucky that there was a table and my kids between me and him or my water would have ended up on his lap.. and my fist in his face. It was not the time to make me mad. Stupid assface.

At even given point this weekend I either didn't eat or when i did eat, i made bad choices. I did however realize how important my health is in order to stick around for my girls. I don't want them to go through what my cousins are going through right now just because I cant have a little will power. I am trying twice as hard ., Gym tomorrow and I am going to work harder then ever.I think its needed to get my sanity back!