how it all came back

So I am doing this post in the morning because it is NYE. My resolution will be the same as every year for the past 4 years. Lose my baby weight!! 

  And the leads us too how it all came back. After I discovered my inner hottie, I broke up with bob and decided to just have fun. I dated a few guys casually and actually enjoyed getting hit on at work..it was common though because I worked in a retail shop that catered to mens workwear...call me what you want but I was having a good time. I had one semi serious relationship and when that ended *horribly I might add * I made a choice to just enjoy having friends. There was still about 20lbs or so I wanted to lose and boys *and yes they were all boys * just seemed to get in my way. So I refocused and right when I was getting comfortable just working out and hanging out with friends in walks Lance and all my rules go out the window.
     
     He was awesome. We started hanging out everyday..just as friends though. I tried so hard to keep my commitment to myself . I still worked out and watched what I ate but I started to get more comfortable around him and let my heart take control, and Im glad I did. We have the typical love story.. meet fall in love, get married , have kids. It's the having kids that did me in.
   
    I got pregnant in Feb of 2006. Things were going well for awhile. I was excited to be pregnant. I could not wait to have the cute little pregnant belly and wear all the cute maternity clothes. Except there was one problem. I was inflating like a balloon. In one month I had gained 35 lbs. Part of it was due to my husband being out to sea but alot of it dealt with my high blood pressure. I gained weight like crazy during my entire pregnancy. Another thing I did during those 9 months was move across the country. Lance got restationed in Virginia and at 7 months pregnant I waddled my fat ass on to a plane and made my trek across the untied states. Well 1 five hour flight later and my once adorable feet and toes looked like hams I had wrapped in twine. I was so swollen and wasn't sure why at the time.
     
    When I got to Va I stayed with a friend for awhile. It was so hot and muggy there . Not to mention I had gone from weighing 175 to weighing about 250 by the time I got there. One day we had gone out to lunch, it was there that I started realized my immunity to those fat comments was gone. While there the waitress and manager began make comments to one another about what I was wearing, shorts and tank top. The began to laugh and snicker,all within ear range. It was so hurtful, I cried like crazy that night in bed, I couldn't understand how someone could call a 7 month pregnant lady fat, until I really took a look in the mirror. I didnt look pregnant at all. I looked huge.Disgusting even. I was so ashamed. My husband hadnt seen me in months and this is what he got to come home too?? What an awful wife I was letting myself look like that.  On the day I went to pick him up I waddled myself down to the dock to wait. Only to get a call telling me he wasnt going to be able to get off the boat. I hated that. Here I was in 100 degree heat and humidity , 290 lbs now and he couldnt even get a minute to see what a whale I had became?! Well lucky for me he had an amazing cheif that hopped right off that boat, awesome mustache and all, and helped me waddle back down the pier *I was shocked he didn't just try and throw me back into the water to continue my journey with my pod*. The look on lances face when he saw me was a look of shock and exictement. Im sure he thought he was getting punked and that I would emerge from behind this thing in front of him with a cute little round baby belly..hell I wished thats what was going to happen. 
    But it didnt, and in the next 2 months I continued to gain weight. The big day came the have out 1st amazing little girl. I stepped on the scale and was horrified at what I saw. 311 lbs. Yup that is the most I have ever weighed. Over 300 lbs. How did this happen?!? Why didnt someone take away my right to eat?!. 
   Anyone who has kids hope their baby comes out a 50 lbs baby so they can justify the weight gain. I just hoped for a baby that weighed 111 lbs. But no she came a perfect little 7lbs 6 oz.  Which means I was left to lose 103 lbs on my own. I wasnt ready for that at all. So for 18 months I sat in my apartment eating and sleeping and trying to be a mom. It SUCKED. Lance worked all the time, my friends, the 3 I had, lived like 30 mins or more away from me and I was scared to leave my house. It was a horrible combination. But after 18 months we got transfered back to Washington. I was so excited I was coming HOME! Surely this would be my chance to get back to where I was. My mom has an entire gym in her basement. And I was finally going to utilize it!
  Instead I got pregnant again. I did better this time though. I gained about 17 lbs. I was happier and it helped. I also had a 2 year old to chase around. After giving birth to my 2nd amazing daughter *who was not 17 lbs like I had hoped* I had some choices to make to try and get my life back in order. Well 2 years later I am finally making those choices.
   In august of this year I realized something I should have realized 10 years ago. That pretty face I have wasnt going to help me bend over and tie my shoes with out getting winded. It wasnt going to make it taking the stairs rather than the elevator any easier. Being funny wasnt going to help prevent heart disease and diabetes. And my strong personality wasnt going to help me see my girls get married. I realized that the I was living to eat and not eating to live. 
     I started going to the gym daily. I had a gym buddy, who also was trying to lose her baby weight. I started watching what I ate. I lost about 30 lbs in 2010 and I am proud of every pound. I earned those pounds.
      However a few months ago I got some news I didn't expect. I was pregnant. Again. I thought oh no. I had these plans to lose more weight and now Ive got to rethink my entire game plan. Well for 6 weeks I did. I tried to go to the gym and count my calories but  something inside me wasnt feeling right. And it wasnt. I had a miscarriage. It was rough. I cried alot and ate more then I ever should. I spent a few days in bed and didnt want to do anything. I turned to my lifelong friend . junk food. I ate away my emotions for the past month. 
   
    That leads me to where I am now. After having surgery relating to the miscarriage I had to wait about 3 weeks to return to normal. But Im back. My new normal is now counting calories and knowing EXACTLY whats going into my body. My new normal involves working out in some way everyday. Whether its an hour on a tredmil or doing step aerobics while i fold laundry. 


I am making everyone that reads this a promise. By this day next year I will reach my goal of being back to the 175lbs I was before I got pregnant. And to keep me entirely honest I am going let you guys know my starting weight, which I never EVER admit to. So here it is, I weigh in today at 282 lbs. And this will be the last day I ever see that number one the scale. 


 Here I go.