Its what I hate

I have done an I love me post, I have done an I struggle post.. here is what I hate about me post. This is not a feel bad for me post. This isn't a fix me post. This is me, being honest about the things I hate about myself.

 First, I am really bad about making plans with people. I wish I wasn't but I am. I never send out those handmade invitations telling everyone to gather at my place. I don't call my friends up on a regular basis just to hang out. I don't know why, I just don't. It is a fault I have been trying to fix for years now. I just can't seem to do it. Also I am bitch. Not like a haha tell it how it is kind of bitch but I can be mean. REALLY mean. I don't have a filter and I don't have a stop button. You could be in front of me in tears and I will still proceed to tell you what a piece of shit I think you are. I get too wrapped up in people. I want to fix peoples issues and prove to them that they are better than what they give themselves credit for. Problem with that is, I come off too strong, too much, too fast. I have this fire inside of me that wants to connect to people. I can instantly tell if someone is worth it or not. Other people don't work that way and I don't understand it. I get mad when I feel rejected. I get sad when I feel forgotten. I want, no I need, to be involved in some sort of drama. Not like full on drag out fight drama. But I like to a good argument and I like to hear about other peoples problems. I judge people pretty quickly and I get super judgemental when I get jealous. And I often spout off those judgements without considering how people might feel.

I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. I have this amazing side of me that sometimes gets overshadowed by the shitty person I have grown to be sometimes. I want to help people, but wont hesitate to push them down and kick dirt on them. I will pick fights just because I want to prove that even if I'm not right, neither are you. I cross lines and blow through boundaries quicker than Usain Bolt crosses a finish line. Sometimes I wish I could tell the bitch in me to go to hell, but it's not that simple.

So in closing, here is my apology. To those have that have ever been caught in the crossfire of my inner battle between good and evil. It's been a long war and it is nowhere near over, so next time, bring protection.