Has anyone else seen that new Victoria Secret commercial with the oh so tiny and ridiculously long legged women, prancing around a sport car in their 32C and size xs bra and panties? And the words scrolling on my screen are "What Is Sexy?"
I know for some men, this is what makes their, ahem, motors rev. But this isn't always the case. However according to media (and apparently Gwenyth Paltrows new cookbook?) Being thin is what is sexy. Hip bones, collarbones, and rib cages you could play a song on are todays ideals of a perfect women. Well as shocking as it is, I barely anyone I know looks like this *insert huge gasp here!!!* Yes I have my thin friends, and my long legged friends.But I also have bigged boobed friends, petite all over friends, friends with hips that don't lie and some that have bellies that shake when they laugh. And guess what? I love them all, I find them all beautiful.
Recently I took a trip with my better than average but still in the average category husband and my two tiny kiddos. I keep looking through photos, trying to find images of people in the crowded who are disgusted, or throwing up at the sight of me. Well guess what? I can't find any. Weird right? Well I thought so too. Because according to societies ideas, everyone should shutter and cringe at the sight of me. Being in the same room with me should make them all cower in fear and pray to whoever and whatever that they don't catch this horrible, life ruining disease called FAT. All I see in my pictures is a happy family, and people who could care less about what I look like.
For me sexy isn't my number when I step on that scale. It isn't about how great my bones look sticking out from body. It is about me, being happy in my skin. I know people are worried for my health, hell I am worried about my health. But I am happy. I am happy with who I am. I don't look in the mirror and cringe and cry and beat myself up. I look and see how my eyes light up when I smile, and how ok I am with my naked body. I don't need Victoria or anybody else and their secrets to define to me what is sexy. And I don't think they should be defining it for anybody else either. We need to learn to love ourselves for who we are and what we offer as human beings, not what we look like standing next to a sports car half naked.
I am taking part in a campaign via facebook called I Love EveryBODY (check out their fb page and show them some love.) It is important for everyone to love and accept themselves and others for who they are and not hate on them for how they look.
I am proud to be plus size, I love my curves, my stretch marks and my dimples. The ones on my face and the ones on my ass. I think I am beautiful and sexy. But if I was born thin, I would embrace that too. It is all about loving what you are working with today and not worrying about how to change it for tomorrow. Love yourself and you are what sexy is.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
This is that moment.
Ive been heavy my whole life. A little chubby, a little curvy, and a little jiggly. But for hte first time in my life, I FEEL fat. I am starting to notice the effects and I don't like it. I keep having dreams of my waddling around with a cane at 30 years old an d by 35 I am in one of those motorized carts. Its more of a nightmare really. I just wish I could figure this out. My brain knows what I need to do, my body knows what I need to do, my heart knows what I want I just cant seem to put it all together at once and get my fat ass going. I keep using the tomorrow excuse and I am running out of tomorrows. I keep seeing all these success stories and I have been there once and I know how that feels. I need to find it inside me to make that push. I keep thinking different things will be the miracle and work and I always seem to fuck it up. AHHHH I just dont know what to do right now. I need advice, recipes, workouts whatever it takes!! HELP ME !! lol
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Its what I hate
I have done an I love me post, I have done an I struggle post.. here is what I hate about me post. This is not a feel bad for me post. This isn't a fix me post. This is me, being honest about the things I hate about myself.
First, I am really bad about making plans with people. I wish I wasn't but I am. I never send out those handmade invitations telling everyone to gather at my place. I don't call my friends up on a regular basis just to hang out. I don't know why, I just don't. It is a fault I have been trying to fix for years now. I just can't seem to do it. Also I am bitch. Not like a haha tell it how it is kind of bitch but I can be mean. REALLY mean. I don't have a filter and I don't have a stop button. You could be in front of me in tears and I will still proceed to tell you what a piece of shit I think you are. I get too wrapped up in people. I want to fix peoples issues and prove to them that they are better than what they give themselves credit for. Problem with that is, I come off too strong, too much, too fast. I have this fire inside of me that wants to connect to people. I can instantly tell if someone is worth it or not. Other people don't work that way and I don't understand it. I get mad when I feel rejected. I get sad when I feel forgotten. I want, no I need, to be involved in some sort of drama. Not like full on drag out fight drama. But I like to a good argument and I like to hear about other peoples problems. I judge people pretty quickly and I get super judgemental when I get jealous. And I often spout off those judgements without considering how people might feel.
I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. I have this amazing side of me that sometimes gets overshadowed by the shitty person I have grown to be sometimes. I want to help people, but wont hesitate to push them down and kick dirt on them. I will pick fights just because I want to prove that even if I'm not right, neither are you. I cross lines and blow through boundaries quicker than Usain Bolt crosses a finish line. Sometimes I wish I could tell the bitch in me to go to hell, but it's not that simple.
So in closing, here is my apology. To those have that have ever been caught in the crossfire of my inner battle between good and evil. It's been a long war and it is nowhere near over, so next time, bring protection.
First, I am really bad about making plans with people. I wish I wasn't but I am. I never send out those handmade invitations telling everyone to gather at my place. I don't call my friends up on a regular basis just to hang out. I don't know why, I just don't. It is a fault I have been trying to fix for years now. I just can't seem to do it. Also I am bitch. Not like a haha tell it how it is kind of bitch but I can be mean. REALLY mean. I don't have a filter and I don't have a stop button. You could be in front of me in tears and I will still proceed to tell you what a piece of shit I think you are. I get too wrapped up in people. I want to fix peoples issues and prove to them that they are better than what they give themselves credit for. Problem with that is, I come off too strong, too much, too fast. I have this fire inside of me that wants to connect to people. I can instantly tell if someone is worth it or not. Other people don't work that way and I don't understand it. I get mad when I feel rejected. I get sad when I feel forgotten. I want, no I need, to be involved in some sort of drama. Not like full on drag out fight drama. But I like to a good argument and I like to hear about other peoples problems. I judge people pretty quickly and I get super judgemental when I get jealous. And I often spout off those judgements without considering how people might feel.
I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. I have this amazing side of me that sometimes gets overshadowed by the shitty person I have grown to be sometimes. I want to help people, but wont hesitate to push them down and kick dirt on them. I will pick fights just because I want to prove that even if I'm not right, neither are you. I cross lines and blow through boundaries quicker than Usain Bolt crosses a finish line. Sometimes I wish I could tell the bitch in me to go to hell, but it's not that simple.
So in closing, here is my apology. To those have that have ever been caught in the crossfire of my inner battle between good and evil. It's been a long war and it is nowhere near over, so next time, bring protection.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Silence is the loudest noise there is.
Today is one of those days. One of those, everything sucks, I want normal life back, dont piss me off or you might get punched in the throat kind of days. I don't know what it is about this business trip that makes it harder for me. I've done 7 other deployments, a 7month stretch in ct, weeks and weeks of schools and trainings. But for some reason this one is the worst. I am grasping at straws on a daily basis to find some normalcy. I am up too late and wake up too early. I am rereading letters and emails. Staring at pictures and crying my eyes out. I can't seem to get out of my own head. I keep trying to tell myself that I am strong, I am independent. I've done this before and I have always survived. But then the scared codependent little girl inside starts crying. She needs the thing that comforts her. It's not a blanket. It's not a teddy bear. Its Lance. Lance is my comfort. He keeps me grounded. Makes my insane a little more sane. He is my everything. I love him more now, than I ever have before. I am made of gunpowder and he keeps me from exploding. I miss him so much today. I miss him everyday but today seems a little bit harder. I need him here, telling me at the end of the day how much he loves me. Giving me my goodnight kiss and giving me the comfort I need. I need that sense of safety and security that I get when I am with him. I always say I am not a princess, that I dont need saving. But today, I need my prince charming.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
hello 2013
It is official. It is 2013..and I am already 12lbs lighter!! Way to go me on being ahead of the game!! Today has been a little off because I woke up super later and have'nt been feeling that great. I am still on program but I am like 2 medifast meals behind..hoping it doesn't mess with my fat burn mode!! But that aside from all of that there are some other things in my life i would like to talk about
Recently via facebook, I got into what could be by far the most typical high school argument with someone. This is a person that I never really considered a friend so why I engaged in it all is beyond me. But throughout the "discussion" I was referred to as a bully, just like I was in high school. This made me really stop and think a lot yesterday about who I am and who I was. A ton of people came to my defense and said I was the farthest thing from a bully. Which made me feel really good. I know I have always been wicked. If you cast me in a movie, I would play the villain. The bad guy. I'd be a mean girl, an evil queen, a crazy sidekick to a more evil doer...That is just how I am. I have never been a sweet talker, a princess or the hero of a story. Sometimes I don't play well with others but it never comes from a place of malice. It always comes from not having the time or space in my life for people who don't have need to fill a spot. Is that wrong?? I make room for people all the time and I always give someone a fair shake before deciding if they are worth it or not. I don't try to be rude, it just sometimes comes out that way. I don't back down from people, I don't let people get away with things. If you messed up, I will call you on it. Why not? Own up to your mistakes and shortcomings and move forward. I expect people to call me on my things too though. I don't always like it but I always except it. I never want to be a victim. I never want to have to rely on someone else to fight my battles. I have worked long and hard to make myself resilient to the harshness in my life but it has come at a price to others I suppose . I can be vengeful. You want to take me on then do it but I don't play fair. I don;t stop until I feel Ive proven what I need to prove. But I don't ever think I have ever intentionally bullied someone. I don't seek out on a day to day basis attempting to make someones day awful. I never have. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of ridicule and rejection and in my life it has never been my initial intent to make someone feel that way. Yes my words can be harsh, yes my tone can cruel. But I never start out that way. I come with a warning label. It is in the contract of every friendship I enter into. It is giving to people before meeting me and it simply states this
"I am a really nice person, as long as you don't piss me off"
I have said it so many time I am considering it as my next tattoo... but its true. Don't give me a reason to react. Be my friend, stay positive and come at with negativity in a loving way. I will never see eye to eye with anyone....well maybe one or two people... but other than that, my views, feelings and beliefs run on their own track. All by themselves. I leave myself open daily to discussions and conversations that don't always go a way I had hoped or planned. But it doesn't end friendships or make me a bully..
I hope at least some of this made sense. I am a little tired and a little sick and honestly just a little sick and tired of it all. Thanks for reading though.. it means a lot :)
Recently via facebook, I got into what could be by far the most typical high school argument with someone. This is a person that I never really considered a friend so why I engaged in it all is beyond me. But throughout the "discussion" I was referred to as a bully, just like I was in high school. This made me really stop and think a lot yesterday about who I am and who I was. A ton of people came to my defense and said I was the farthest thing from a bully. Which made me feel really good. I know I have always been wicked. If you cast me in a movie, I would play the villain. The bad guy. I'd be a mean girl, an evil queen, a crazy sidekick to a more evil doer...That is just how I am. I have never been a sweet talker, a princess or the hero of a story. Sometimes I don't play well with others but it never comes from a place of malice. It always comes from not having the time or space in my life for people who don't have need to fill a spot. Is that wrong?? I make room for people all the time and I always give someone a fair shake before deciding if they are worth it or not. I don't try to be rude, it just sometimes comes out that way. I don't back down from people, I don't let people get away with things. If you messed up, I will call you on it. Why not? Own up to your mistakes and shortcomings and move forward. I expect people to call me on my things too though. I don't always like it but I always except it. I never want to be a victim. I never want to have to rely on someone else to fight my battles. I have worked long and hard to make myself resilient to the harshness in my life but it has come at a price to others I suppose . I can be vengeful. You want to take me on then do it but I don't play fair. I don;t stop until I feel Ive proven what I need to prove. But I don't ever think I have ever intentionally bullied someone. I don't seek out on a day to day basis attempting to make someones day awful. I never have. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of ridicule and rejection and in my life it has never been my initial intent to make someone feel that way. Yes my words can be harsh, yes my tone can cruel. But I never start out that way. I come with a warning label. It is in the contract of every friendship I enter into. It is giving to people before meeting me and it simply states this
"I am a really nice person, as long as you don't piss me off"
I have said it so many time I am considering it as my next tattoo... but its true. Don't give me a reason to react. Be my friend, stay positive and come at with negativity in a loving way. I will never see eye to eye with anyone....well maybe one or two people... but other than that, my views, feelings and beliefs run on their own track. All by themselves. I leave myself open daily to discussions and conversations that don't always go a way I had hoped or planned. But it doesn't end friendships or make me a bully..
I hope at least some of this made sense. I am a little tired and a little sick and honestly just a little sick and tired of it all. Thanks for reading though.. it means a lot :)
Sunday, December 30, 2012
horoscope!
i normally dont believe in this stuff but i hope its right!
2013: Aquarius Overview
Aquarius
2013 is the year when all of your hard work starts to truly pay off in spades. Saturn, the cosmic taskmaster, is taking up residence at the tip top of your horoscope for the next few years, giving you the make-it-or-break-it impetus to get the job done right. You've been biding your time over the past few years, collecting the necessary research and finding a slew of inspiring mentors. Now is your chance to finally get your genius concepts on the map where they belong. Yours has been a slow-and-steady climb rather than a meteoric rise to the top, thus you've built a rock-solid foundation to carry your dreams through with serious staying power. Your success is anything but a flash-in-the-pan. Over the next two years, you'll continue to work hard to build on earlier accomplishments and integrate all that you started investing in since 2000. Not only do you have the power of Saturn at full strength in your career zone for the next few years, but the mutual reception between Saturn and Pluto will quickly make you a triple-threat genius. Watch as all your latent talents quickly come rushing to the fore.
The eclipse patterns of 2013 add speed and force to the career promise that the stars have in store for you. The push of the North Node provides a definite if not unexpected fast-forward motion to any projects that have been on the back burner. Get ready for supreme acceleration with worldly status -- and life changes galore. Your home zone will also get hit by the eclipse patterns, which could generate a change of residence or just a total renovation to your existing domicile. Either way, you're getting ready for the kind of life-altering transformation that works on you from the ground up.
The pleasure cruise that began last summer will continue straight through until June as Jupiter continues to bless your love zone. Romance, creativity and sheer joy are in great abundance during the first half of the year. Use the good fortune of Jupiter in your love house to spend most of your days doing what you love most with those you adore most. If your life feels more like play than responsibility, you're living well and in accordance with the stars. You can get down to business during the second half of the year when Jupiter shifts houses and brings the bounty to your work and health house in June. The latter part of the year will keep you busy, so allow yourself the pleasure before the workload starts piling up. 2013 is the perfect balance of business and leisure for you, Aquarius!
2013 is the year when all of your hard work starts to truly pay off in spades. Saturn, the cosmic taskmaster, is taking up residence at the tip top of your horoscope for the next few years, giving you the make-it-or-break-it impetus to get the job done right. You've been biding your time over the past few years, collecting the necessary research and finding a slew of inspiring mentors. Now is your chance to finally get your genius concepts on the map where they belong. Yours has been a slow-and-steady climb rather than a meteoric rise to the top, thus you've built a rock-solid foundation to carry your dreams through with serious staying power. Your success is anything but a flash-in-the-pan. Over the next two years, you'll continue to work hard to build on earlier accomplishments and integrate all that you started investing in since 2000. Not only do you have the power of Saturn at full strength in your career zone for the next few years, but the mutual reception between Saturn and Pluto will quickly make you a triple-threat genius. Watch as all your latent talents quickly come rushing to the fore.
The eclipse patterns of 2013 add speed and force to the career promise that the stars have in store for you. The push of the North Node provides a definite if not unexpected fast-forward motion to any projects that have been on the back burner. Get ready for supreme acceleration with worldly status -- and life changes galore. Your home zone will also get hit by the eclipse patterns, which could generate a change of residence or just a total renovation to your existing domicile. Either way, you're getting ready for the kind of life-altering transformation that works on you from the ground up.
The pleasure cruise that began last summer will continue straight through until June as Jupiter continues to bless your love zone. Romance, creativity and sheer joy are in great abundance during the first half of the year. Use the good fortune of Jupiter in your love house to spend most of your days doing what you love most with those you adore most. If your life feels more like play than responsibility, you're living well and in accordance with the stars. You can get down to business during the second half of the year when Jupiter shifts houses and brings the bounty to your work and health house in June. The latter part of the year will keep you busy, so allow yourself the pleasure before the workload starts piling up. 2013 is the perfect balance of business and leisure for you, Aquarius!
gonna party like 3012 tonight...
Ok, forget my awesome Justin bieber song reference for a moment and realize it is almost 2013!! WTF where did 2012 go? I spent all year hoping those effing mayans were way off that I didn't really get a chance to make the most of it! I am going to do better in 2013.
First things first, me. I am going to be the best me that I can be. (cliche right?) I want to put 100% into loving myself, who I am and what I am doing. I dont want to look back and say "I should have, I wish I would have...." I want to sit back and say "hell yes I did that!" I want to make sure that every move I make in 2013 is a step towards making my happy. I love those around me but sometimes I put others ahead of my happiness and I just cant do it anymore. I'm going to start doing right by me. And I am going to stop wondering what people think of me. Why do I give a sh*t? I don't need anyones validation but my own.
I want to listen to music more often, dance the night away, catch some super awesome seattle games (seahawks, sounders, mariners) Go swimming a ton this summer and always always have an open door for those who just want to stop by. I want to surround myself with people that mean something. People I can learn things from and who I really truly admire and appreciate. No wasting my time with people who wont waste theirs for me.
I want to smile more. Smile at strangers, smile with friends, smile a ton with my kids and husband. I want to hug more, Because a good hug can make anything ok. I wanna be the person that people believe I can be. I dont want to let anyone down. I am ready for 2013, are you?
First things first, me. I am going to be the best me that I can be. (cliche right?) I want to put 100% into loving myself, who I am and what I am doing. I dont want to look back and say "I should have, I wish I would have...." I want to sit back and say "hell yes I did that!" I want to make sure that every move I make in 2013 is a step towards making my happy. I love those around me but sometimes I put others ahead of my happiness and I just cant do it anymore. I'm going to start doing right by me. And I am going to stop wondering what people think of me. Why do I give a sh*t? I don't need anyones validation but my own.
I want to listen to music more often, dance the night away, catch some super awesome seattle games (seahawks, sounders, mariners) Go swimming a ton this summer and always always have an open door for those who just want to stop by. I want to surround myself with people that mean something. People I can learn things from and who I really truly admire and appreciate. No wasting my time with people who wont waste theirs for me.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
getting a head start
I started my typical new years diet. This year I am doing Take shape for life. Today is day one and I honestly am pretty satisfied with it. I am eating every 2 to 2.5 hours because my lazy ass slept until 930 lol. I like the taste of everything and made my first lean and green meal today for lunch. I do have a headache but that is expected when trying to come off of sugar and crap. I am excited for this one though and really hope I do well. I need to break my bad eating habits and this seems like a good way to do it!! I have my before weight and its terrifying. I think the scale wanted to just put "fatass" but for fear of a lawsuit it didn't. OH well though, nobody did it to me, I did it to me. I have to accept that and change. I did some math with the average results on this program and if i can stick with it until my reunion I should be down around 90lbs...I could hit my early goal of 100lbs by halloween for sure! My reward to myself?? Going as Harley Quinn and making Lance go as the joker! Ive wanted to for a few years now and have even played around with the makeup in my alone time (nerd alert, right?) But I just never thought I could pull it off.. well this might be the year!! Fingers crossed!
I really would love to do this version though, vs the classic (as sexy and amazing as it the classic is). But we will see how great I look by then!! But my first goal is 20lbs before my hubby gets home! Id love to surprise him a bit!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
the self behind the self portrait.
Most of my blog readers are my friends on Facebook. And as many of you probably make jokes about, I post. A LOT. Call it an addiction, call it lame. Call it whatever. But the fact is is that I am a compulsive facebooker, at least while my husband is gone.
I get bored, REALLY bored, once my kiddos go to sleep. I have super badass insomnia, and when I do sleep, I don't sleep well alone. I am a social person and love to know whats going on with people. But the rules of friendship include a "don't call me at 11pm just to chat" clause I think. So facebook it is. Plus it gives me a chance to creep peoples facebook photos. (that however leads to some super strange dreams, anybody wanna hear about my bonnie and clyde dream from the other night?!). I also post alot of self taken, angled right, head shots. The reason why I do this is far more detailed than just being bored.
Before I begin to explain. Let me say this, I am PERFECTLY happy with myself, my husband and our marriage. We go through our rough patches like all couples and I am about to discuss one of those patches. This however is in no means an indication as to where we are today.
It started about 2 years ago when Lance was forced to move to CT for 8 months. We didn't go with him because of school and dance and we didn't want to lose the house we were renting. So I stayed here and he went there. It was REALLY hard. I missed him more than anything, even though we talked two or 3 times day. However after a few months, it became hard to find stuff to talk about and I felt like we were drifting. My husband is not a man of many words. He talks, but not a lot about how he feels. (he is a lot better now FYI) It is SUPER hard to feel like you mean something to someone with just a few I love yous at the end of a phone call. So I got this brilliant idea that if I started posting cute photos of myself on facebook, or text them to him, it might get him to tell me how beautiful I am or something. Well it didn't really work. What it did do though was get me a lot of positive feedback from other people though. Growing up fat alot of the feedback I got was on how to lose weight or how awesome my personality was. For one of the few times in my life I had so many people telling me how gorgeous I was. I couldn't believe it. I guess I enjoyed hearing it. What it did for my self esteem was incredible. I got a lot of my confidence back, you know that stuff I lost after gaining 100lbs during my first pregnancy? I felt amazing. However, the person I really needed it from, wasn't telling me that. I later found out that he did love the pictures, just assumed I knew that. (never assume guys, never). After a very very hard conversation that lead us to a place that was closer to the end than we have ever been before. We started fixing things. It took awhile. A long while. But it happened. We worked through our issues and things are great.
However when he is gone, I turn into this self loathing whoa is me girl who needs to be reassured about how incredible she is. I have issues. I know this. I get scared he is going to leave me, I worry I am not as good as other women. I have fears of ending up alone. When he is gone, these are worse. He isn't here to comfort me and reassure me that I am the one he loves. Aside from a few emails telling me how I am his whole world, I don't get much. Bring in the slew of self portraits and people telling me how great I look and voila, I am back to the confident self assured woman I usually am. Is this crazy, YUP! It sure is. but its me, and aside from heading down to my local therapist I just have to work through these issues on a day to day basis.
I know a lot of you may look at me different now, or judge me for all of this but I don't care. I am done caring. This is me, flaws, issues, everything. Like the famed song from Rent, "take me for what i am who i was meant to be and if you give a damn take me baby or leave me." I don't need lectures. I don't need fixed. I am not a princess that needs saving. I just need friends who love me for me.
I get bored, REALLY bored, once my kiddos go to sleep. I have super badass insomnia, and when I do sleep, I don't sleep well alone. I am a social person and love to know whats going on with people. But the rules of friendship include a "don't call me at 11pm just to chat" clause I think. So facebook it is. Plus it gives me a chance to creep peoples facebook photos. (that however leads to some super strange dreams, anybody wanna hear about my bonnie and clyde dream from the other night?!). I also post alot of self taken, angled right, head shots. The reason why I do this is far more detailed than just being bored.
Before I begin to explain. Let me say this, I am PERFECTLY happy with myself, my husband and our marriage. We go through our rough patches like all couples and I am about to discuss one of those patches. This however is in no means an indication as to where we are today.
It started about 2 years ago when Lance was forced to move to CT for 8 months. We didn't go with him because of school and dance and we didn't want to lose the house we were renting. So I stayed here and he went there. It was REALLY hard. I missed him more than anything, even though we talked two or 3 times day. However after a few months, it became hard to find stuff to talk about and I felt like we were drifting. My husband is not a man of many words. He talks, but not a lot about how he feels. (he is a lot better now FYI) It is SUPER hard to feel like you mean something to someone with just a few I love yous at the end of a phone call. So I got this brilliant idea that if I started posting cute photos of myself on facebook, or text them to him, it might get him to tell me how beautiful I am or something. Well it didn't really work. What it did do though was get me a lot of positive feedback from other people though. Growing up fat alot of the feedback I got was on how to lose weight or how awesome my personality was. For one of the few times in my life I had so many people telling me how gorgeous I was. I couldn't believe it. I guess I enjoyed hearing it. What it did for my self esteem was incredible. I got a lot of my confidence back, you know that stuff I lost after gaining 100lbs during my first pregnancy? I felt amazing. However, the person I really needed it from, wasn't telling me that. I later found out that he did love the pictures, just assumed I knew that. (never assume guys, never). After a very very hard conversation that lead us to a place that was closer to the end than we have ever been before. We started fixing things. It took awhile. A long while. But it happened. We worked through our issues and things are great.
However when he is gone, I turn into this self loathing whoa is me girl who needs to be reassured about how incredible she is. I have issues. I know this. I get scared he is going to leave me, I worry I am not as good as other women. I have fears of ending up alone. When he is gone, these are worse. He isn't here to comfort me and reassure me that I am the one he loves. Aside from a few emails telling me how I am his whole world, I don't get much. Bring in the slew of self portraits and people telling me how great I look and voila, I am back to the confident self assured woman I usually am. Is this crazy, YUP! It sure is. but its me, and aside from heading down to my local therapist I just have to work through these issues on a day to day basis.
I know a lot of you may look at me different now, or judge me for all of this but I don't care. I am done caring. This is me, flaws, issues, everything. Like the famed song from Rent, "take me for what i am who i was meant to be and if you give a damn take me baby or leave me." I don't need lectures. I don't need fixed. I am not a princess that needs saving. I just need friends who love me for me.
Friday, December 21, 2012
topic brought to you by, Jayme!
VS + young girls = Oversexualized horny teenagers making babies. Kind of. Not every girl that walks into VS is walking out with a baby. But how many teen girls need lace thongs and push up bras? I get having the word PINK scrolled acrossed your ass is appealing, but at 14? On black friday my sister and I (both in our 20's and married) went to VS for their black friday sale. We were one of 5 people over the age of 18. And there was at least 100 people there. The store was FILLED with teenage girls with their hair and makeup done like it was freaking prom, holding up tiny panties and yelling to their friends "I need a 34b!" I cringed at the thought of my daughters one day in there. I know why I shop there (shocking right?) and it is for the sole purpose of looking sexy for my husband. What does a young girl have a need for that kind of stuff yet? Facebook me your thoughts :)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
If this is the end.
For the record, I AM NOT one of these people that actually believe its ending. I have a strong faith in God and the fact that no one will know. But if it was, what would you have to say to people?
To keep from having a "hey you left me out" moment, I am going to generalize to different groups of people in my life. With a few exceptions. So here it goes.
Lance, my love, my life, my heart and my soul. I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to be a part of your life. You have done so much to make me feel loved and I hope that I have done enough to return the feeling. You make me smile when I'm sad, happy when I am mad, sane when I go crazy and calm when I get frantic. You are every love song all in one and always first person i think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. Forever and always babe.
To my girls, I have never in my life loved anything as much as you two. I am so proud of the little girls you are and you amaze me everyday with the things you say and do. You are the perfect mix of myself and your dad and I am so excited to watch what amazing things you will do in life. I will be there with you, every step of the way. You are incredible and never forget that.
To my family, You guys have always been there for me. Forever. and my life would not be where it is today without every single one of you. I found best friends in so many of you and although sometimes we are a little too crazy for words, it is amazing to know I always have people in my life that have no choice but to love me . :)
To my best friends. My BFFS. Those that are old, those that are newer, and those that are no longer.
Being hte best at something isn't always easy, but being best friends with all of you was the easiest thing in my life. You have all seen me laugh and cry. You have watched me get angry and watched me be happy. I always can count on you guys to be there for me when I need someone to tell me Im right and tell me it is always ok. To tell me that I am ok. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To my navy family, the one family I never asked for but am so glad I got. I need you guys in my life more than I ever really knew. This life is hard. REALLY hard and without you guys, I would not survived. To those that give us guidance, your words of wisdom have done so much for us and made this journey a little easier. For the ones that keep us sane when the navy makes us crazy, you guys are our glue. You keep our lives in place when the world gets so chaotic. Our kids are so lucky to have "aunts" and "uncles" in so many of you, and to find best friends, first boyfriends ( Joe and Emily, I am talking to you guys! ) and family in your children. This life is hard. But you all make it easier!
To all my facebook friends. Thanks for keeping me entertained. I get so bored late at night when Lance is deployed and without you all, I would probably have watched everything on netflix by now. Thank you all for keeping my confidence high and my crazy low. It is always nice to be so interactive with people I barely see!!
To those that don't think they fit into any of those, trust me you do. By reading this , I know for a fact that you are an important part of my life and I wouldn't trade that for the world.
To keep from having a "hey you left me out" moment, I am going to generalize to different groups of people in my life. With a few exceptions. So here it goes.
Lance, my love, my life, my heart and my soul. I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to be a part of your life. You have done so much to make me feel loved and I hope that I have done enough to return the feeling. You make me smile when I'm sad, happy when I am mad, sane when I go crazy and calm when I get frantic. You are every love song all in one and always first person i think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. Forever and always babe.
To my girls, I have never in my life loved anything as much as you two. I am so proud of the little girls you are and you amaze me everyday with the things you say and do. You are the perfect mix of myself and your dad and I am so excited to watch what amazing things you will do in life. I will be there with you, every step of the way. You are incredible and never forget that.
To my family, You guys have always been there for me. Forever. and my life would not be where it is today without every single one of you. I found best friends in so many of you and although sometimes we are a little too crazy for words, it is amazing to know I always have people in my life that have no choice but to love me . :)
To my best friends. My BFFS. Those that are old, those that are newer, and those that are no longer.
Being hte best at something isn't always easy, but being best friends with all of you was the easiest thing in my life. You have all seen me laugh and cry. You have watched me get angry and watched me be happy. I always can count on you guys to be there for me when I need someone to tell me Im right and tell me it is always ok. To tell me that I am ok. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To my navy family, the one family I never asked for but am so glad I got. I need you guys in my life more than I ever really knew. This life is hard. REALLY hard and without you guys, I would not survived. To those that give us guidance, your words of wisdom have done so much for us and made this journey a little easier. For the ones that keep us sane when the navy makes us crazy, you guys are our glue. You keep our lives in place when the world gets so chaotic. Our kids are so lucky to have "aunts" and "uncles" in so many of you, and to find best friends, first boyfriends ( Joe and Emily, I am talking to you guys! ) and family in your children. This life is hard. But you all make it easier!
To all my facebook friends. Thanks for keeping me entertained. I get so bored late at night when Lance is deployed and without you all, I would probably have watched everything on netflix by now. Thank you all for keeping my confidence high and my crazy low. It is always nice to be so interactive with people I barely see!!
To those that don't think they fit into any of those, trust me you do. By reading this , I know for a fact that you are an important part of my life and I wouldn't trade that for the world.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
because we all like pictures and quotes!
My BBW fetish.
Ok it's not really a fetish per say, but the word fetish is so much fun! I have recently gotten on this whole " the body is beautiful" kick. And through all of this , I have found some pretty awesome facebook pages and tumblrs dedicated to the body, in all shapes and sizes. I have found some AMAZING bbw sites as well. Don't know what BBW is? Then chances are you aren't one, or aren't into them. It stands for big beautiful woman. After looking through these pages I start to feel amazing. Not because I think I look better than any of these women, but because here they are, in all their glory, letting people see them for who they are. Every curve, every dimple, every roll. And honestly, it is super empowering. I am a goddess. I am super sexy and super classy (sometimes) and I love me. I need to be proud of what I look like and know that it doesn't matter what other people like. I don't need to worry about camera angles and slimming clothing. I am who I am and owning is the only thing I have control over right now. Regardless of size or shape, I need to rock everything. My hair, my dumb glasses, my clothes, my shoes, my attitude and my words. I need to be the most awesome plus size Holli there is. I think I am doing a decent job but time to step it up. What is the worst thing that can happen? Someone calls me fat?? Hey guess what genius, I AM! Shocking I know. I assumed I appeared to be a size 3 to the rest of the world!! I am almost 28 years old. Time to start really loving what I have to work with. No longer going to fake it to make it! Give me a like on facebook if you think I am the most fabulous plus size pal you have :)
Friday, December 14, 2012
Ready for a package...
Last night I did it, I ordered my first round of take shape for life. I spent $265 and I am pretty sure it is going to be worth every penny. Merry Christmas to me! Giving myself the gift of weight loss!! lol. I am going to take before pictures (I take a lot of before pics huh?) But may not post them until my first month is over. I want you guys to instantly be able to tell a difference. I am hoping this will help my random sleep pattern and my 2 o'clock feeling. I hate that feeling. SALTS! (if you don't get that, start reading my facebook more , jerk. lol ) I have a very lofty goal set for myself for 2013 and I am hoping this is the resource to help me reach it. But we are going to start small, I am going to break up my goal into tiny milestones.
1- to lose 25 lbs by my birthday (if you don't know it you suck as a friend :p)
2- to lose a total of 45 lbs by our trip to diseny (end of march)
3- 65lb gone by recital (end of june)
4- to have 85lbs gone by halloween,
Now I know alot of you are going OMG 85lbs, that is soo much. But honestly, have you SEEN me? I mean come on, in the scheme of me, 85 is not that much!!! I am going to struggle I am sure. But I know Lexi wont let me fail!! I guess I need to buy a scale now to keep better track!! Now if my package would just get here!!!!
1- to lose 25 lbs by my birthday (if you don't know it you suck as a friend :p)
2- to lose a total of 45 lbs by our trip to diseny (end of march)
3- 65lb gone by recital (end of june)
4- to have 85lbs gone by halloween,
Now I know alot of you are going OMG 85lbs, that is soo much. But honestly, have you SEEN me? I mean come on, in the scheme of me, 85 is not that much!!! I am going to struggle I am sure. But I know Lexi wont let me fail!! I guess I need to buy a scale now to keep better track!! Now if my package would just get here!!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
How dreams help my reality.
We have all had them, those dreams that feel so real, you wake up wondering where you are and if it really happened. Last night I had one of those dreams. It wasn't that I won a million dollars or that I was actually married to Channing Tatum. It was one where in the end, I ended up alone. And not alone because I wanted to be but because my marriage fell apart. It started off in a weird way, Lance and I ran into some old friends and by old friends I mean this couple that, for some instances beyond us, stopped talking to us (in real life). We all chatted and got caught up and all was well. We went to a party at their place and it was filled with people I know in my everyday life, or at least met once or twice. Throughout my dream, random events took place. People chatted and at some point I made dinner. While cooking a noticed Lance's cell phone on the counter. For some reason in my dream I had this urge to check it, and when I did I discovered some messages and pictures between him and a girl, who in my real life I find to be one of the most beautiful girls I know. I was heartbroken and angry and dream me confronted dream lance and all he said was " look at her and look at you. That is why" Now please understand that real life lance, loves me for all of me, who I was, who I am and who I will become. He would NEVER EVER say anything like that me, or do what he did in my dream. With him being gone it is hard not to feel alone. And sometimes I take that feeling with me when I go to sleep. Unlike all the other times I have dreams like this, I woke up from this one, not mad, but ready. Ready to change. I need it. It is time. I never ever want to feel like I am not pretty enough or thin enough. I want to be the girl that haunts other girls dreams. I want to be the one that never gets left alone.
Today I am placing my order through take shape for life. I am ready for this and can't wait to get serious about this once and for all. I need this for me, for dream me, and for future me. No holding back, no regrets, no second chances and no mistakes. It's go time.
Today I am placing my order through take shape for life. I am ready for this and can't wait to get serious about this once and for all. I need this for me, for dream me, and for future me. No holding back, no regrets, no second chances and no mistakes. It's go time.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
a dance mom
For the past 3 years I have had the honor of carrying the title of a dance mom. I've taken my daughters to classes, tied countless ballet shoes and tap strings. I have glittered shoes and made signs, mastered the art of putting mascara on a child. When I started taking Cailyn at 18months, all I wanted was something for her to do, she loved to dance ever since she could walk. Never in a million years did I think it would turn into such a big part of our lives, in such a short time.
First off I want to give a big shout out to Tanya, the owner of the studio for providing a place for kids to feel special. This studio has done so much for my daughters an it wouldn't be at all possible without her. I really have made some amazing friends there and they are like a family to me.*I also now have my real family there which is amazing!* They understand what I mean when I hand them a bobby pin, or ask them to put a leo on my child who is being rushed from school. I walk in the studio 3 times a week knowing that I am surrounded by mothers (and some fathers) who are living life the way I am, to give their children every chance they can to do something they love. I am slowly learning names of parents and dancers, and who belongs to who. It is a crazy world some days but honestly I love it.
This weekend I was so proud to watch my oldest baby dance her little heart out in the nutcracker. This moment is one she talked about all last year and I was so excited that she made it. What I was even more pleased with was the time that people take with my kids. Katie has been extraordinarily patient with my child and has taught her to come alive on stage. It was really something amazing to see. Not only was it the ones that took the time with Cailyn but it's the love for both my children. Ashlin also dances and is at the studio all the time with us for Cailyn's classes\. She barely ever has to walk or be entertained because there is always someone there scooping her up to play with her. Now from a mom stand point I love this because it gives me a chance to breathe. But it also gives my children some amazing people to look up to. The girls (and a few pretty awesome boys!) that surround my children leave their hearts on that dance floor every time they go out there and are amazing people outside the walls of the studio. They are kind, respectful and so patient. My girls have had some pretty young teachers and it makes me so happy when I see them take the time to teach them something new. My girls love them all so much, old and new, and I am so happy I made the choice to become a dance mom. I can't imagine us doing this anywhere else.
So to all of those at Just 4 Kicks, thank you for letting us into your world and giving my girls a chance to do something they love!!!
First off I want to give a big shout out to Tanya, the owner of the studio for providing a place for kids to feel special. This studio has done so much for my daughters an it wouldn't be at all possible without her. I really have made some amazing friends there and they are like a family to me.*I also now have my real family there which is amazing!* They understand what I mean when I hand them a bobby pin, or ask them to put a leo on my child who is being rushed from school. I walk in the studio 3 times a week knowing that I am surrounded by mothers (and some fathers) who are living life the way I am, to give their children every chance they can to do something they love. I am slowly learning names of parents and dancers, and who belongs to who. It is a crazy world some days but honestly I love it.
This weekend I was so proud to watch my oldest baby dance her little heart out in the nutcracker. This moment is one she talked about all last year and I was so excited that she made it. What I was even more pleased with was the time that people take with my kids. Katie has been extraordinarily patient with my child and has taught her to come alive on stage. It was really something amazing to see. Not only was it the ones that took the time with Cailyn but it's the love for both my children. Ashlin also dances and is at the studio all the time with us for Cailyn's classes\. She barely ever has to walk or be entertained because there is always someone there scooping her up to play with her. Now from a mom stand point I love this because it gives me a chance to breathe. But it also gives my children some amazing people to look up to. The girls (and a few pretty awesome boys!) that surround my children leave their hearts on that dance floor every time they go out there and are amazing people outside the walls of the studio. They are kind, respectful and so patient. My girls have had some pretty young teachers and it makes me so happy when I see them take the time to teach them something new. My girls love them all so much, old and new, and I am so happy I made the choice to become a dance mom. I can't imagine us doing this anywhere else.
So to all of those at Just 4 Kicks, thank you for letting us into your world and giving my girls a chance to do something they love!!!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
thanks life,thanks.
Ugh, so normally I am a pretty upbeat person....like i only spend 1/4 of my day complaining about shit. But right now I want to throw my fingers up and give life a giant eff you.
For the past few days things have been great, I have been in a good mood, getting stuff done, all fine and dandy. Today however I slipped on baby oil, dropped my toothbrush in the sink *did i mention it was AFTER I blow dryed my hair * and come to find out because people can't do their fucking jobs, I am going to be short a ton of money next paycheck. Right before Christmas.. SERIOUSLY? UUUUGGGGHHHHH. Then in my pissed off mood I come home and bang my stupid kneecap into the couch. It hurt so bad, all I want to do is curl up in a ball, drink tea and watch dumb people do stupid stuff on MTV. I want a redo of today so bad. Or to not be sitting here alone, wallowing in my own self pity. BLECK. Any advice on turning my sour grapes into just a little whine? (haha see what I did there, I am SO funny! :)* I think once my kids go to sleep me and the captain are going to make it happen!!
*kind kidding about that, alcohol is not the answer to making life better, but it IS the answer to me not being a raging bitch tonight!
For the past few days things have been great, I have been in a good mood, getting stuff done, all fine and dandy. Today however I slipped on baby oil, dropped my toothbrush in the sink *did i mention it was AFTER I blow dryed my hair * and come to find out because people can't do their fucking jobs, I am going to be short a ton of money next paycheck. Right before Christmas.. SERIOUSLY? UUUUGGGGHHHHH. Then in my pissed off mood I come home and bang my stupid kneecap into the couch. It hurt so bad, all I want to do is curl up in a ball, drink tea and watch dumb people do stupid stuff on MTV. I want a redo of today so bad. Or to not be sitting here alone, wallowing in my own self pity. BLECK. Any advice on turning my sour grapes into just a little whine? (haha see what I did there, I am SO funny! :)* I think once my kids go to sleep me and the captain are going to make it happen!!
*kind kidding about that, alcohol is not the answer to making life better, but it IS the answer to me not being a raging bitch tonight!
Monday, December 3, 2012
It's begining to look alot like fatsmas!
Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday, which is weird considering I was born on Valentines day. But there is something about the lights and the cold and all the giving that give me the warm tinglies inside. *and no not THOSE kind of tinglies, pervs* My life always feels so complete and full this time of year, and so does my stomach.
I am a baker, not by profession but at my own damn choosing. I love to cook. I love to make cute little Santa shaped cookies and loads of shit covered in chocolate. My insides are probably all coated in chocolate by January usually. This year however I will not be nibbling on Santa's head or eating my weight in chocolate peanut butter balls, *holy eff that would be a lot!!* because I am choosing to ask for help. And that help is coming in the fabulous form of my friend Lexi. Like me she is a mother, a navy wife, a dance mom, driver, maid , cook, etc. She gets how my life works and she is also a health coach with take shape for life. It is a meal program designed to help you change your way of thinking about food. And since I obviously can't do this on my own, I am hoping this works. If not then I am going under the knife at the end of next year. And trust me the only thing I ever want to go under for is a boob job.
I am kind of excited and totally freaking out. I have always told myself I started this battle and I can win this war on my own. Well that is not true. No one person ever wins a war, there is a lot of people that have a hand in it. And I need those people. I need you guys.
Today I went to the gym and got my ass moving again. It felt great and I forgot how much I get to think about when I am working out. It's like I have nothing else to worry about except whatever I am worrying about. * as a mom I have master at multi-worrying*
I hope that my struggles and bumps and lumps make you laugh. But I also hope they help you realize that we are all people going through things. Some are as obvious as the dimples in my ass, and others are kept on the inside, hidden back from the world for a personal battle fought with the worst home team advantage ever. Take the time to get to know people. REALLY know them. Things might surprise you.
I am a baker, not by profession but at my own damn choosing. I love to cook. I love to make cute little Santa shaped cookies and loads of shit covered in chocolate. My insides are probably all coated in chocolate by January usually. This year however I will not be nibbling on Santa's head or eating my weight in chocolate peanut butter balls, *holy eff that would be a lot!!* because I am choosing to ask for help. And that help is coming in the fabulous form of my friend Lexi. Like me she is a mother, a navy wife, a dance mom, driver, maid , cook, etc. She gets how my life works and she is also a health coach with take shape for life. It is a meal program designed to help you change your way of thinking about food. And since I obviously can't do this on my own, I am hoping this works. If not then I am going under the knife at the end of next year. And trust me the only thing I ever want to go under for is a boob job.
I am kind of excited and totally freaking out. I have always told myself I started this battle and I can win this war on my own. Well that is not true. No one person ever wins a war, there is a lot of people that have a hand in it. And I need those people. I need you guys.
Today I went to the gym and got my ass moving again. It felt great and I forgot how much I get to think about when I am working out. It's like I have nothing else to worry about except whatever I am worrying about. * as a mom I have master at multi-worrying*
I hope that my struggles and bumps and lumps make you laugh. But I also hope they help you realize that we are all people going through things. Some are as obvious as the dimples in my ass, and others are kept on the inside, hidden back from the world for a personal battle fought with the worst home team advantage ever. Take the time to get to know people. REALLY know them. Things might surprise you.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
What I love about me
Instead of starting out about all the things going wrong with me right now, I want to focus on the positives first.
So to begin, I am freaking awesome. Seriously. Don't believe, ask someone who knows me really well. They will tell you. I am a great friend, I give awesome advice *so much so I am considering writing a book :)* I stand up for everything I believe in, even if it isn't the "right "thing. I am funny, like really funny. Not just one of those, did you hear the one about the guy, type but like actually funny. I have always been a lover AND a fighter and I think that is something that makes me special. I will love those in my life with a burning fire and dismiss those that wrong me in a heartbeat. I am quick to forgive when it is deserved and I don't deal with bullshit. AT ALL. Wanna call me out for being a bitch , go for it, chances are I was a bitch. I call everyone on their issues, someone has to call me on mine. I have an infectious smile that is never forced *unless its one of my cheesy self portraits for facebook!* I am plus sized and am proud of it. Losing weight isn't about getting an "ideal " body, it is about being healthy. I never wanna lose my curves. I am beautiful and I know it, but never ever accept a compliment without a thank you. I love to dance, and I don't care if I look ridiculous because I am having fun. My best memories are the times I have spent laughing. I love red lipstick and dark eyeliner. Not just because I think they are sexy, but because I think they are sexy on me. I plan on getting more tattoos because it is my body and I love the way they look. I can't sing but it doesn't stop me. I love shirts that show off my cleavage and shoes that show off my feet, I have cute feet. My favorite thing in my life is my family. Every crazy one of them. I would die for them. I make friends fast and keep friends longer. I believe in equality for everyone no matter what, unless you are a real douche, then you need to be shot. I will someday take a burlesque class and be amazing at it. Just you all wait and see.
Chances are I will be pretty hard on myself in the next few posts. Someone please remind me of all the great things about me every now and then!
So to begin, I am freaking awesome. Seriously. Don't believe, ask someone who knows me really well. They will tell you. I am a great friend, I give awesome advice *so much so I am considering writing a book :)* I stand up for everything I believe in, even if it isn't the "right "thing. I am funny, like really funny. Not just one of those, did you hear the one about the guy, type but like actually funny. I have always been a lover AND a fighter and I think that is something that makes me special. I will love those in my life with a burning fire and dismiss those that wrong me in a heartbeat. I am quick to forgive when it is deserved and I don't deal with bullshit. AT ALL. Wanna call me out for being a bitch , go for it, chances are I was a bitch. I call everyone on their issues, someone has to call me on mine. I have an infectious smile that is never forced *unless its one of my cheesy self portraits for facebook!* I am plus sized and am proud of it. Losing weight isn't about getting an "ideal " body, it is about being healthy. I never wanna lose my curves. I am beautiful and I know it, but never ever accept a compliment without a thank you. I love to dance, and I don't care if I look ridiculous because I am having fun. My best memories are the times I have spent laughing. I love red lipstick and dark eyeliner. Not just because I think they are sexy, but because I think they are sexy on me. I plan on getting more tattoos because it is my body and I love the way they look. I can't sing but it doesn't stop me. I love shirts that show off my cleavage and shoes that show off my feet, I have cute feet. My favorite thing in my life is my family. Every crazy one of them. I would die for them. I make friends fast and keep friends longer. I believe in equality for everyone no matter what, unless you are a real douche, then you need to be shot. I will someday take a burlesque class and be amazing at it. Just you all wait and see.
Chances are I will be pretty hard on myself in the next few posts. Someone please remind me of all the great things about me every now and then!
I'm back
Yup.It is official. I am going to start blogging again. Keep checking for more awesomeness about life in the fat lane :)
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