booking it

So I have decided to write a book. Bascially along the same lines as my blog, a first hand look at what being overweight is. I have about 7 chapter titles so far and am really excited to start on it. It may or may not pan out but I am going to give it a go. I am really excited and I hope
I can count on you guys to buy it when it hits shelves..:)

Another positive thing is that I am down 4lbs since thursday. I know the atkins works so I am not surprised really, but I am excited! I had a fantastic mothers day and stepping on the scale was the icing on the non existant cake!! My mom got me a bunch of outdoor garden stuff so I can get my green thumb on!! Now if I can just get some sun Ill be set!

I know this is a short post but Ill think of something fun to write about for tomorrow.

my life flashed before my eyes.

Ok not ACTUALLY but kind of.

Backstory.. my mom watched the girls today for me so I could see a movie with my bestest friend ever, jessica. Now like me jessica loves sweat pants and buffetts...so of course she has a similar body shape as me. We will refer to us as "pillowy".  Well today while heading toward the theater we caught a glimpse of something thats frightened us. Here come these two ladies walking towards.. obviously bffs such as ourselves, one in her fabulous velour sweats and matching athletic top and rocking an awesome ponytail, and the other, in jeans and a cute top with some sort of cardigan or jacket over it. She had her cut short but it was dyed in some reddish tones.. both women were "pillowy" also. We both look at each other knowing what the other is thinking "thats us". I was clearly the one in the velour sweats and jessica was the more stylish one.

This scared the shit out of me.
 I dont want either of us to be like that 15 years from now. I dont even want us to be that way 15 months from now. We are both going about this our own ways and I am happy to report she has lost 12lbs this week,. me not so much but I am getting there. Seeing what the future looks like is freaky but i think it gave us a reason to stick with it all this time. Here is to a great week next week and lots of lbs shed and gone!!!

No means No

So I am saying bye bye to carbs tomorrow. No breads no pastas no potatos! Ive done it before and I know it works so why not. I am setting a short term goal of july 1st and at the point I will reevaluate my diet choices. I just need to lose a decent chunk before I board the plane to visit lances family.

 Now I know most people have their opinions on different diets and exercise programs but please dont lecture me. I know all hte goods and the bads and as an adult I am making my own choices to acheive what I want to achieve. Thanks :)

Its almost summer and the only thing I want is a nice lounge chair for my back porch. I plan on wasting away my summer by watching the girls play in the backyard while I get my tan on!  I think I read somewhere that tan fat looks better then white fat so at least Ill have that working for me!

Life pretty much sucks without the husband but I am functioning. Went swimming today with my sister and had alot of fun!! Hopefully we can go alot more. It was a good workout and hte girls loved it so its a win win.

I am tired so its bedtime for me. Had some friends over for a cinco de mayo dinner and as hard as it is to believe i am leaving the mess til the morning...Ive got a date with a smoldering vampire *vampire diaries is on tonight* so im calling it an early night.

Finding me mo...haha get it?

So I have discovered my love of the gym again. Ive been going alot and along with cutting my calories by 500 i am now down to 267! I have stopped eating past 8pm and I swear to all that is Holy that its the hardest thing EVER! I am such a late night snacker that using my will power makes me exhausted. I've slept better these past few nights, which really surprised me.

 Blame it on being well rested but I have felt so pretty the past few times I have ventured in public. Last week the girls and I went to a family fun night and i got so many compliments on my hair and makeup and today i had an older lady at the commissary tell me that purple is definitely my color. I guess I am realizing that when I feel good I look good! For the first time in 4 years I don't feel like a fat frumpy mom!! Ok maybe i still feel fat,..but that's besides the point!

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of some nicer weather. I really want to start walking more. By the time lance gets home I want to comfortably and honestly say " hey i am going for a run"
I have an honest question for all of you out there and regardless your answer it wont offend me or make me upset.
When you see a gal, my size, outside walking or jogging what is your first opinion?
 
I always get nervous someone will throw something at me or tell me to move my fat ass out of the way. I think I revert back to gym in middle school or something. I know I always think positively when I see it but that's because i know how hard it is to get out there and do it. The struggle of finding the shirt that isn't so baggy you look bigger but not so tight that you look like a stuffed sausage. The struggle of bending over to tie the shoes that don't provide enough support anyway. How painful those first few steps are on your back, knees, hips and hell every other part of your body. How gross it feels when all your fat is moving. BLAH. How hard it is to breathe once you hit the top of the hill.... or the end of the block. But I also know how amazing it feels when you are done. Who cares that you will be so sore in the morning you will crawl to the shower.

Tomorrow is another day, I will struggle to tie my shoes *which provide great support* I will choose the most flattering workout outfit I have and I will struggle to make it through my 40 mins of cardio and 20 mins of weights and stuff. And when I am done I will feel like I can do anything.

these are my confessions

i just ate a waffle as a snack.

what a fat kid thing to do

that is all

america is dieing on their knees from obesity

For those that don't recognize my title, its from Jamie Oliver. I am addicted to his food revolution show. It opens my eyes to a world that I am scared to send my girls in to. I am vowing now to pack my kids lunches everyday when they enter public school. Things in this country need to drastically change. Its not fair to feed our kids into an early grave because parents don't have the knowledge or money to prevent it. I am also pleased to reveal that cailyn is giving up her McDonald's habit. For those that don't know, my daughter loves McDonald's. It stems from an awful and lazy habit I started when she younger. Over the weekend I have showed her that there is a tastier way to get the same stuff at home. She bought it and now every time we pass by she says "no McDonald's for me" <3

This is a turkey mushroom burger on a 100 cal sandwhich thin. Baked fingerling potato fries as a side dish

This is turkey on 100 cal whole grain mini bagels with 10 pop chips and 2 large strawberries! i used low fat cream cheese instead of mayo!

Not only am I eliminating the eating out for health reasons but for money reasons too. Before I could easily spend 50-75$ a paycheck on eating out for me and the girls. I think about how much good meats and fruits and veggies that could buy! No more for us. I will start packing the girls lunches if I know I am going to be gone during lunch, if I get in the habit now I will continue it later in life.

I am also proud to report that I gymmed it up 5 days last week and went yesterday. I didn't go today but I did mow my backyard. OMG what a freaking workout. I didn't do that great but it was a jungle and I was out there for at least 30 mins so I know I got my cardio in! Now the girls and I can get out there and kick the ball around whenever we get a glimmer of sunshine! * please keep in mind I am praying it doesn't snow tonight since its going to be 30 degrees out!* Tomorrow we will walk to and from cailyns speech therapy. I also think turning on some music in the morning and dancing while I clean will do us all some good. Music just feeds my soul in ways I can explain!

My weekly challenge is to drink ONLY water. I hope I can keep with it. Taking it a week or even a day at a time makes things more possible.

I watch the show too fat for 15 fighting back every week. So I will leave you with this to chew on for a bit
"This is the first generation of teenagers that may die before their parents"

Scary huh. It starts with us as parents to teach healthy habits. If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your kids. It is worth it to give them a fighting chance at life.

losing someone helps you gain perspective.

What a weekend. I don't think I have ever been this mentally exhausted in my life. Over the course of 4 days I dealt with the loss of a family member, the possible loss of a paycheck, the loss of my dads marriage and house, the loss of my cool with a jerk at the restaurant, the loss of my diet, and eventually the loss of my  sanity. 4 days worth of losses makes me really think about what I have in my life.

My first loss, the passing of my aunt Debbie. She was a great woman and her death leaves a whole in the hearts of everyone around her. The only positive about the situation was she brought all my family together. I have spent more time with my cousins this weekend then i have in the last 5 years combined.
I know she is in heaven smiling down on all of us  as we reminisce and look through old family photos. She is up there watching and waiting for hte rest of us. I just keep telling myself she is up there at her best and no longer suffering at her worst.

The 2nd loss made me more sick to my stomach then I already was. The potential government shut down made me panic. Half of a paycheck is almost worse then at all. Trying to figure out what gets paid and what gets put on the back burner and how to manage food and gas. Thank God someone somewhere pulled their heads out and it didn't actually happen. It was an added stress I didn't need though.

While staying with my dad and step mom I witnessed what years of fighting does to a marriage and a love that was once there. The arguing was painful to watch and it was even harder for me to know my kids were there watching it . Ive tried my whole adult life to not do that. I am not always successful but I try. It was hard to watch my dad deal with the loss of his sister and have to attempt to move out. It was the most stressful on my sanity. It  made me more thankful then I have ever been to have Lance in my life.

The jerk at the restaurant story boils down to this. Me and a longtime friend Rachel went to have lunch. she also has a daughter close to Ashlin's age. The girls were making noises but none of them were running around and none of them were being any louder then normal. At one point Rachel did tell zoey to shh and this guy who was eating with what i assumed were his wife and adult son said , Thank you finally. Thats all it took. i lost it. I told him he had no right to try and make us feel embarrassed about being out to lunch with our kids. At one point his wife told me that I needed to teach them some manners,For any of you that have met my kids know that Cailyn especially has amazing manners. I continued to tell him that we had every right to be there and were sat back in the corner for a reason. This place is a diner type setting and seems family friendly. The adult son had the nerve to tell me " this isn't a daycare honey you are delusional" I simply responded with you're right its not because Nobody else is watching our kids but us. The guy is lucky that there was a table and my kids between me and him or my water would have ended up on his lap.. and my fist in his face. It was not the time to make me mad. Stupid assface.

At even given point this weekend I either didn't eat or when i did eat, i made bad choices. I did however realize how important my health is in order to stick around for my girls. I don't want them to go through what my cousins are going through right now just because I cant have a little will power. I am trying twice as hard ., Gym tomorrow and I am going to work harder then ever.I think its needed to get my sanity back!