I think Ill go for a walk outside now..

Today was national get out and walk day. So we did just that. I needed a few things from the store and I live within about 10 mins *walking distance* from one. So instead of wasting gas, because its like a million bucks a gallon, I geared us all up to take a walk. It was a bit windy and cold on the way up but we powered through. I opted not to bring the stroller.. its good for the girls to get some activity in as well! I wouldn't call it a great workout for me but it was a nice few moments with my girls and the fresh air did us some good. The way home was great. Super sunny and beautiful! I even opened the windows when we got home to let the cool breeze in. Here are some pics I took from today!


windy!







she tried her hardest to keep her balance



rock climbing lol





little legs cant go as fast



she found this little bunny on the road!

she felt left out.. rocks it is!

the home stretch

i love a spot of color on a nice day!



sitting on the bus bench at the store



Its been awhile.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I have been MIA for a bit. Those circumstances being 2 tweenage girls in my house since Saturday! Blogging from my phone just doesnt cut it for me :P

Along with a lack of blogging there has been a lack of exercise, and a little lack of eating healthy. I havent gained any weight back but I am just not caring for some reason. I need a big wake up call this week. EEK. Trying to get the energy to workout seems so fruitless this week. I did however find the cutest dress at forever 21 and ill admit i was a little depressed that i couldnt just buy it. I did take a picture of though.. just to remember what it looks like.

 Maybe someone can make it for me when i get all skinny lol. I just love it. I know some people might not but I do! I keep thinking about how I really want to do some pin up pictures. Everytime I look in the mirror I tell myself that if i was thinner I would have the confidence to do it.  Im going to work so hard. Just looking at the dress makes me feel fat. I don't want to be fat anymore. I dont want to be this way anymore!!!! I have 3 months to get ready for the run and another month to get ready for my friend johns wedding. I am not showing up to his wedding in california in august 270 lbs. I cant do it. 

Another thing I want is a tattoo. I know exactly what I want but I am not tattooing my fat. NOT HAPPENING. Ugh even imagining a tattoo on myself right now makes me want to hurl. I cant imagine everyone elses mental image right now! If anyone who reads this can draw or sketch let me know if youd be willing to help me sketch it out!!! 

 Life without the hubs is just that, life without him. I hate it but we are all managing. It gets easier everyone morning I wake up. But I miss him like crazy and that sucks. Its a constant thing in the back of my mind. Especially when he is out of class by noon and think about how great it would be if his school was out of bangor. lol. I guess thats the life of a navy wife ;)

Its time to put on some music and shake my groove thing while I clean this house. I know you are all jealous right now.. but dont worry its not as fun as it sounds!

Im pretty sure Im losing track of time.

It is very obvious that my "write my blog every night" plan is a complete bust. This sickness is really taking its toll on this house and honestly I have been too exhausted to even think about it. As everyone knows it started with the stomach flu. From there it turned into a cough for the girls. On Sat evening it just seemed to be getting worse. C had a fever. A had a fever. Sunday was spent with my girls periodically napping and being miserable. Sunday night my younger brother and sister stayed over so that I could watch them while my mom and step dad worked on Monday. My brother also has this cough and cough so hard he got sick. I took him to the dr the next morning and decided I should get the girls seen also.

 Fast forward to that afternoon. Turns out A has an ear infection, but her lungs sound clear which is good. C on the other hand had to get an xray done because the Dr though she might have some form of pneumonia where food particles got into her lungs from the vomiting. Thank the lord the xray was clean and she just needs antibiotics. But the Dr. did say that if she doesn't get better after the 10 days then it will be time for some blood work and stuff. He said her length of time for sickness is a little concerning. It seems like when she gets sick its worse then anybody that has it. It takes her FOREVER to get over it and she gets REALLY sick. I get worried about there being some underlined issues that stem from a rough start at birth. Only time will tell I guess. Needless to say I spent 4 hours at the hospital on Monday.

 Yesterday I went to my moms to watch my bro and sis. There I was excited to learn that I was down to 270 AFTER i ate breakfast! lol. Good news for me. I have this cough too so I am taking it easy on working out this week but I have been doing well with my eating. Not having sweets in the house helps :P I am hoping next week I can get back to the gym. I also went to dinner with a great friend and then did a little shopping at the mall. My sister was nice enough to watch the girls for me so I could get a little break! I needed it. I love my girls with all I have but the whining and crying takes alot out of me. I need a mental health break to regain control of the situation!

The only thing on my agenda today is meeting with the speech therapist to go over the paperwork for C. I plan on putting my music on and cleaning this house. My 2 other little sisters from port angeles are coming down next week for spring break and i need the house clean!

Its time to stop blogging and get to coloring a picture with cailyn. First time in days she has wanted to do anything but lay in bed. <3

apparently sick is the new black.

I hate being sick. I hate feeling sick, I hate getting sick. I hate it. The only benefit is the awesome weight loss it gives me for the week. Its because I can't eat anything and I cant workout. I can barely clean the house and for those that know me well..that's a shock. I am starting to feel better this evening but my dinner consisted of a bowl of cheerios. The thought of anything else sounded awful.

 I did feel well enough today to head to old navy and get some clothes. I went in for flips flops and came out with a few nice spring pieces!! ALL on clearance! And I am happy to report for the first time  ever I love the way all of it looks on me. I can tell the little changes on my body and I like it!

 As I said in my last post I was looking at wedding venues with an old friend of mine the past few days. I am so excited for her wedding and even more honored to be a bridesmaid! However the rest of her party is GORGEOUS so I really need to get my butt in gear :P No sense in looking like a stuffed sausage in a dress lol.

Ok and how about this nice weather the past 2 days? I remember last summer when I hated being outside. I was always sweaty and uncomfortable * all in places i didn't know could even get sweaty and uncomfortable* I really cant wait for this summer though. I plan on spending lots of time outside with the girls. They really love it out there. I mean they are kids after all. I just have this awful fear of dirt lol. and bugs.

My goal for next week is simple. Do what I feel is my best. No number, no eating plan. Just a conscience effort to do my best at losing weight! What are goals for the next week?

mid day post

I haven't posted in a few days and with good reason. Thursday Cailyn had school and I had to run a bunch or errands that day and by the time I was able to sit down and relax I just wanted to sleep!! Friday I didn't do much. Just didn't feel like doing anything at all. Well turns out it was because I had the flu creeping up on me and getting ready to set up shop. First cailyn got sick. I hate cleaning up puke. Lance always cleaned up the puke. On top of it being gross it was bright orange thanks to her vitamin. Every hour on the hour til 4 am. Then it was my turn. I got sick every hour from 4 am until 2pm on sat. I had to call my mom and my stepdad came and got me and hte girls and we just spent the night over there because there is no way I could take careof them let alone myself. I missed my sisters very eventful 21st birthday. I lost 3 lbs. I had no energy on sunday and even forgot to feed the girls dinner. They woke up starving this morning. I also had to miss out on a gathering of awesome people at a friends house :(

   I feel better today. I am deep cleaning my house because I am having a longtime friend over and her mother to help her look at wedding venues tomorrow! My house needs disinfected top to bottom!! I also got out emergency bags ready so I can stop panicking at night over what if. I also was a complete bitch to my husband on the phone today. Yup. I admit it. Its not easy to admit it but I was. I have so much whizzing through my brain that all I managed to pull out was anger. Not love, not compassion, not " i miss you more then I have ever missed anything in my entire life and don't know how i can get through these next months without you" just anger at something stupid. I hate that I can't be rational at all. I need to see someone about that i think :P

Any suggestions on not losing my cool so fast?

one hell of a wednesay

I lost it today. Full on sobbing. Ive got a lot on my plate and as good as I am doing at keeping my anxiety at a bay, its a little tough when my trigger is losing control and I have no control over a few things . No panic attacks today I feel so emotionally drained. Even more then the day I dropped him off . I am more then ready for bed. Thank goodness Ashlin is already asleep!

Aside from being on an emotional roller coaster from hell today, I had a decent day. Ate well. Got a good deal on a few things at the store. Girls behaved for the most part. I just couldn't keep my mind from worse case scenarioing everything. Instead of picking up a tub of ice cream or making an unhealthy dinner I decided to bake my stress away. I found a great recipe in my hungry girl book for marshmellow chocolate cupcakes. They dont looks the prettiest but with a set of little helping hands i wont complain!

Here is a breakdown of the nutrition facts.

1 reg sized cupcake
2g protein
109 calories
2g fat
230g sodium
21 carbs
.75g fiber
12.5g sugar

Not TOTALLY healthy but WAY better then what I COULD be eating. I also think I am going to get up early and bake some banana bread.  I love having my "comfort" food in a healthier way.  Tomorrow I am going to gym again. But for now I am going to sit and watch some TV and eat a cupcake. Goodnight world!

Beautiful Dangerous.

The title has nothing to do with anything deep or meaningful I just effing LOVE that song when I work out. If there was ever a song that made me feel totally sexy on an elliptical that song is it. If you are saying to yourself " I have never heard that song" please do me a favor and stop being lame and head to you tube to watch the video . Its by slash ft Fergie ferg. But keep in mind the video is INTENSE and NOT suitable for kids and I am not lieing .
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  Back on the topic of me totally rocking my diet and exercising, I am nailing it this week! My house is purged of all garbage so I ve been snacking on fruits and veggies. No soda. No crap. WINNING! I have been feeling so amazing and really proud of myself. I am going to weigh in this weekend and see where I am at. But honestly I don't care. I know I am doing what I need to do and that's what matters most!

Through all this optimism though I do have to admit yesterday was tough. I broke down a few times. Never in front of the girls though. I really want them to see me as a strong woman. It's not that being here alone is hard i just really miss him. I do great when I'm busy but when I am alone with my thoughts I think about the little stuff. I am so thankful I get to talk to him everyday and once he gets settled I will feel better. Once we get nicer weather I can also stop having a panic attack every time the wind blows!!!

I hope you all have a great week and keep motivated for whatever your goals are!