Im pretty sure Im losing track of time.

It is very obvious that my "write my blog every night" plan is a complete bust. This sickness is really taking its toll on this house and honestly I have been too exhausted to even think about it. As everyone knows it started with the stomach flu. From there it turned into a cough for the girls. On Sat evening it just seemed to be getting worse. C had a fever. A had a fever. Sunday was spent with my girls periodically napping and being miserable. Sunday night my younger brother and sister stayed over so that I could watch them while my mom and step dad worked on Monday. My brother also has this cough and cough so hard he got sick. I took him to the dr the next morning and decided I should get the girls seen also.

 Fast forward to that afternoon. Turns out A has an ear infection, but her lungs sound clear which is good. C on the other hand had to get an xray done because the Dr though she might have some form of pneumonia where food particles got into her lungs from the vomiting. Thank the lord the xray was clean and she just needs antibiotics. But the Dr. did say that if she doesn't get better after the 10 days then it will be time for some blood work and stuff. He said her length of time for sickness is a little concerning. It seems like when she gets sick its worse then anybody that has it. It takes her FOREVER to get over it and she gets REALLY sick. I get worried about there being some underlined issues that stem from a rough start at birth. Only time will tell I guess. Needless to say I spent 4 hours at the hospital on Monday.

 Yesterday I went to my moms to watch my bro and sis. There I was excited to learn that I was down to 270 AFTER i ate breakfast! lol. Good news for me. I have this cough too so I am taking it easy on working out this week but I have been doing well with my eating. Not having sweets in the house helps :P I am hoping next week I can get back to the gym. I also went to dinner with a great friend and then did a little shopping at the mall. My sister was nice enough to watch the girls for me so I could get a little break! I needed it. I love my girls with all I have but the whining and crying takes alot out of me. I need a mental health break to regain control of the situation!

The only thing on my agenda today is meeting with the speech therapist to go over the paperwork for C. I plan on putting my music on and cleaning this house. My 2 other little sisters from port angeles are coming down next week for spring break and i need the house clean!

Its time to stop blogging and get to coloring a picture with cailyn. First time in days she has wanted to do anything but lay in bed. <3

apparently sick is the new black.

I hate being sick. I hate feeling sick, I hate getting sick. I hate it. The only benefit is the awesome weight loss it gives me for the week. Its because I can't eat anything and I cant workout. I can barely clean the house and for those that know me well..that's a shock. I am starting to feel better this evening but my dinner consisted of a bowl of cheerios. The thought of anything else sounded awful.

 I did feel well enough today to head to old navy and get some clothes. I went in for flips flops and came out with a few nice spring pieces!! ALL on clearance! And I am happy to report for the first time  ever I love the way all of it looks on me. I can tell the little changes on my body and I like it!

 As I said in my last post I was looking at wedding venues with an old friend of mine the past few days. I am so excited for her wedding and even more honored to be a bridesmaid! However the rest of her party is GORGEOUS so I really need to get my butt in gear :P No sense in looking like a stuffed sausage in a dress lol.

Ok and how about this nice weather the past 2 days? I remember last summer when I hated being outside. I was always sweaty and uncomfortable * all in places i didn't know could even get sweaty and uncomfortable* I really cant wait for this summer though. I plan on spending lots of time outside with the girls. They really love it out there. I mean they are kids after all. I just have this awful fear of dirt lol. and bugs.

My goal for next week is simple. Do what I feel is my best. No number, no eating plan. Just a conscience effort to do my best at losing weight! What are goals for the next week?

mid day post

I haven't posted in a few days and with good reason. Thursday Cailyn had school and I had to run a bunch or errands that day and by the time I was able to sit down and relax I just wanted to sleep!! Friday I didn't do much. Just didn't feel like doing anything at all. Well turns out it was because I had the flu creeping up on me and getting ready to set up shop. First cailyn got sick. I hate cleaning up puke. Lance always cleaned up the puke. On top of it being gross it was bright orange thanks to her vitamin. Every hour on the hour til 4 am. Then it was my turn. I got sick every hour from 4 am until 2pm on sat. I had to call my mom and my stepdad came and got me and hte girls and we just spent the night over there because there is no way I could take careof them let alone myself. I missed my sisters very eventful 21st birthday. I lost 3 lbs. I had no energy on sunday and even forgot to feed the girls dinner. They woke up starving this morning. I also had to miss out on a gathering of awesome people at a friends house :(

   I feel better today. I am deep cleaning my house because I am having a longtime friend over and her mother to help her look at wedding venues tomorrow! My house needs disinfected top to bottom!! I also got out emergency bags ready so I can stop panicking at night over what if. I also was a complete bitch to my husband on the phone today. Yup. I admit it. Its not easy to admit it but I was. I have so much whizzing through my brain that all I managed to pull out was anger. Not love, not compassion, not " i miss you more then I have ever missed anything in my entire life and don't know how i can get through these next months without you" just anger at something stupid. I hate that I can't be rational at all. I need to see someone about that i think :P

Any suggestions on not losing my cool so fast?

one hell of a wednesay

I lost it today. Full on sobbing. Ive got a lot on my plate and as good as I am doing at keeping my anxiety at a bay, its a little tough when my trigger is losing control and I have no control over a few things . No panic attacks today I feel so emotionally drained. Even more then the day I dropped him off . I am more then ready for bed. Thank goodness Ashlin is already asleep!

Aside from being on an emotional roller coaster from hell today, I had a decent day. Ate well. Got a good deal on a few things at the store. Girls behaved for the most part. I just couldn't keep my mind from worse case scenarioing everything. Instead of picking up a tub of ice cream or making an unhealthy dinner I decided to bake my stress away. I found a great recipe in my hungry girl book for marshmellow chocolate cupcakes. They dont looks the prettiest but with a set of little helping hands i wont complain!

Here is a breakdown of the nutrition facts.

1 reg sized cupcake
2g protein
109 calories
2g fat
230g sodium
21 carbs
.75g fiber
12.5g sugar

Not TOTALLY healthy but WAY better then what I COULD be eating. I also think I am going to get up early and bake some banana bread.  I love having my "comfort" food in a healthier way.  Tomorrow I am going to gym again. But for now I am going to sit and watch some TV and eat a cupcake. Goodnight world!

Beautiful Dangerous.

The title has nothing to do with anything deep or meaningful I just effing LOVE that song when I work out. If there was ever a song that made me feel totally sexy on an elliptical that song is it. If you are saying to yourself " I have never heard that song" please do me a favor and stop being lame and head to you tube to watch the video . Its by slash ft Fergie ferg. But keep in mind the video is INTENSE and NOT suitable for kids and I am not lieing .
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  Back on the topic of me totally rocking my diet and exercising, I am nailing it this week! My house is purged of all garbage so I ve been snacking on fruits and veggies. No soda. No crap. WINNING! I have been feeling so amazing and really proud of myself. I am going to weigh in this weekend and see where I am at. But honestly I don't care. I know I am doing what I need to do and that's what matters most!

Through all this optimism though I do have to admit yesterday was tough. I broke down a few times. Never in front of the girls though. I really want them to see me as a strong woman. It's not that being here alone is hard i just really miss him. I do great when I'm busy but when I am alone with my thoughts I think about the little stuff. I am so thankful I get to talk to him everyday and once he gets settled I will feel better. Once we get nicer weather I can also stop having a panic attack every time the wind blows!!!

I hope you all have a great week and keep motivated for whatever your goals are!

its been a week.

A week since I last kissed my husband. A week since I have felt complete. A week's worth of nights sleeping alone. A week since I started back on the journey to health. Alot has changed this week. Some good and some bad. Even though I know it is temporary it still sucks. But it gives me a chance to fix me. And fix me for the long run. I am doing all I can do to stay positive!

 Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in about 3 weeks. I am at 279. I thought I had gained back at least 7 to 8 lbs so I was happy. Yes its a few steps back but I am ready for leaps and bounds forward! This next week is going to get intense. I have a long list of things I am making out of my hungry girl book and I am aiming for 3 days at the gym. I am going to make those 3 days count too. Check back for lots of reviews!! From breakfast to appetizers to desserts. I am trying it all!! I also am going to challenge myself to making one vegetarian meal a week. I made some pretty awesome veggie lasagna a few weeks ago and I think it well help me more aware of the way different things taste! Any recipes PLEASE share!

Also my thoughts and prayers are with all the families impacted by today's events. I have several friends with friends and loved ones in Japan and I hope and pray that they are all safe. Please keep them and others in your prayers. It makes you think about whats important in life. <3 each other as much as you can.

working out!!

Today was a great day. I went to the gym while Cailyn was at school and I got in a great workout. I felt so good all the way through it and when I was done. I gave it my all and am excited to get back in the routine. I am hoping to get in a 3 or 4 day routine and quick!! I had a good day food wise. I discovered my love of whole grain mini bagels and fat free cream cheese lol. I made some of those funky monkey bars from the hungry girl cookbook.. banana and chocolate..and low in calories. HEAVEN!

I am exhausted though. This weather is awful and makes me sleepy lol. I am trying to get through the premier of Too Fat for 15 on the style network.This show makes me cry. It doesn't matter who it is their story hits a nerve every time. I know what it is like to fight this battle as an adult but I can't imagine being my size or BIGGER at 16 years old. Yes I was heavy then but to be 400lbs at the age robs you of your life, of the moments we are all meant to have. You're first kiss, dances, having any sort of a social life. And for some it takes away things like getting their license or even graduating. Kids are mean and teenagers are even worse. I had a tough skin. I was totally rubber in the equation of high school. It just bounced off. I never let it get to me. Had I been bigger and unable to keep up it could'been a different story. I threw myself into activities and being social that I tried to not let it slow me down. Looking back I have some amazing memories but I know there are times that I wish I was smaller. Dress shopping for dances SUCKED. And I remember on the slip to fill out for your cap and gown you are asked for your height and weight, well when I got my gown it was very obvious that someone just looked at my measurements and said ok we need to make thisor a whale. It was embarrassing. I think at one point I contemplated making a blanket out of it. Seriously. I wish there was a place like on this show when I was a teenager, I may not be fighting this war if I had been given a chance like these kids.

I guess my point is that the reality of this is real. Real scary. These are kids that were raised in a super size me world and are paying the price. Breaks my heart every time I see it.

i need some vitamin d!

Today's weather made me so tired. I had a ton of things to do today, and despite the downpour I got it all done! The rain did however decide to stop when I got home. That's my luck though!  Today was my first jam packed day on my own * minus my sister who watched Ashlin during speech therapy!!* and I rocked it! Girls were amazing and did so well! I might get the hang of this just in time for lance to get back :P

 Tomorrow will be my first gym day in WEEKS! Going to get in the habit of going while Cailyn is at school and after Ashlin is done on Friday. 3 days in week in gym and one day a week of walking to speech therapy and back. But that will happen when the sun decided to start making a less the sporadic appearance. I also would like to start walking to dance and back but considering the hill I know I need to lose more weight so I don't die half way up it lol.

 I've been seeing all over what people are giving up for lent. Although I am not Catholic I am going to challenge myself. No red meat  and no candy. Keep in mind chocolate is not candy. I am talking things that are nothing but sugar and food coloring. Ick stuff anyway but in me giving it up I am going to not buy it for my girls. The red meat thing may last longer then the 40 days though. Kind of sick of it honestly.  I can make just as many good dishes with ground turkey! Just like my mozzarella meatballs and the turkey chili that i am making tomorrow! I hope I can stick with it. I feel so good right now that I hope this carries the whole time he is gone. I REALLY want to surprise him with my weight loss! 

On a non fat related note I need tips for my yard. Any good ideas for flowers that can survive my black thumb? I also plan on planting a garden so any help is great. Considering I am awful at this stuff though I am considering holding a " help me beautify my yard and my spirit" party. I feel better inside when my outside living space is beautiful. Would anyone be willing to come over and spend the day helping lol. I will provide food and drinks and a good time i promise!!

Something else that I am super excited about today is next weeks produce box from fullcirclefarm.com .. I love EVERYTHING in it. Money well spent. If you are interested visit the site. It is an amazing program if you live in this area and love fruits and veggies!

I hope everybody is having a great week! Happy Hump day!!!

rough night

Tonight was hard. Every time I started to clean up one mess they girls made another. The just pushed and pushed me to my limit time after time today. They both are in bed , and went surprisingly easy all things considered so now its just me and my thoughts for the rest of the night.

 Thought 1 - 9 months is a really looong time
 Thought 2 - its a lot harder to eat your feelings if you don't have any junkfood!!
 Thought 3- I really should go to bed soon, I am exhausted.

Today as far as food goes went well. Poached eggs for breakfast along with some strawberries and a cup of coffee , a turkey wrap for lunch and some whole wheat pasta *small serving* with turkey meatballs for dinner. I snacked on a little chocolate but eh not a bad day if you ask me. Tomorrow is going to be super busy so I am hoping to keep up my good effort and make smart choices. I am also hoping a good night sleep will do my kids some good. I know it will me. I feel so off and those that know me personally know me out of my routine is not a good thing. However my incredible anxiety seems to be under control. I was so nervous that I wasn't going to sleep at night but I seem to be doing fine. I am having little moments of panic because lance still isn't permanently settled over there.. some paperwork and things is keeping him from having a permanent place to stay. Hoping his 9 months school isn't gonna cost us. Bleh. Happy thoughts .. happy thoughts! Almost Wednesday.. half way through my busy week. Hope I can find some energy to make it! LOL

my release.

I think blogging at night will be almost therapeutic for me, so I am really trying to get myself in the habit of doing this before bed!

 So I am at the end of day 3. I am eating REALLY well and I feel so much better. I forgot how great I feel when I eat healthy! Today I also had my "coach" help me with a little workout. My oldest decided that she was going to help me reach my goal of being a "skinny mommy" by having me run laps around the house and do some push ups and sit ups!! I love my little personal trainer!

On another note did you guys here that the guy who is the spokesperson for the heart attack grill died. He was 29. He died of complications brought on by the flu I guess. Now I know you are asking how this pertains to my blog but it does. Had he been a healthy weight and lived a healthy lifestyle he may have survived. Being obese does way more damage then whats seen on the outside. Not only does it do damage to your bones but it keeps you from being able to fight off diseases. Even if I didn't want to lose a pound this would make me want to make sure my self and my family eat a healthy balanced diet. Isn't it worth it to give yourself a fighting chance??

 Something else on my mind today is my love of the Hungry Girl. I have the 200 under 200 cook book and made my first batch of chocolate chip softies. They are this amazingly delicious mix of a cookie and a muffin. Only 88 calories per decent sized cookie!! I know some of you are panting for the recipe so here it is!!

3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cp splenda *granulated*
6 tbsp no sugar added applesauce
1/4 cp canned pure pumpkin
1/4 cup liquid egg substitute
2 1/2 tbsp mini semi sweet choc chips
2 tbsp brown sugar *not packed*
3/4 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp salt

mix all dry ingredients and except choc chips in a large mixing bowl.
in medium mixing bowl mix wet ingredients.
add wet to dry and fold in choc chips.

spray cookie sheet with non stick spray and place 8 even spoon fulls on sheet and bake for about 10 mins on 375!!

i hope i don't get in trouble for sharing the recipe on here but the hungry girl is amazing and if you haven't bought the book you totally should!!! its worth it and there is some really yummy things in there *cap n crunch shake anyone???* I wont be posting the recipes for everything I make but I will give reviews on the stuff i make!!!

well time for my sleepytime tea!

Im BAAACCCKKK!

So due to the lack of  wanting to I took a mini break from blogging..and my diet and exercise. Basically I am starting from square one right now. I feel great about it this time. I purged my cupboards of junk food and shopped with healthy habits in mind. I am going to get back on the wagon *hopefully it doesn't break!* and its starting today. Breakfast is 2 poached eggs and a slice of a whole grain toast. lunch will consist of a salad with a bit of tuna and some other raw veggies. The girls and I are going to look through my healthy cookbooks and decide something to make. I am going to go to the gym tomorrow after ashlins drs appt. good start in my book i guess. Within the next month of so I am starting a food plan that my friend Amy sent to me. Very easy and so healthy. She lost 95 lbs in 10 months. She looks amazing!! I need to get a food scale though . I am going to look for one this week!
 
  Another way I am trying to not self sabotage is going on a VERY strict cash only budget while lance is gone. Not only do me and the girls have to manage here but he has to have $ while he is gone also . I have decided to really limit my spending and in doing that I have to make smarter choices at the store and won;t have room in the budget to go out to eat all the time like we have been. In the long run it is going to be a great way to save money too! I am really trying to do things different while he is gone so when he gets home I have these new habits in place.

 I miss him like crazy and it makes it really hard to focus on me. It has only been a few days and I know it will get easier as the days go on but right now it is all i think about really. I have had lots of distractions this weekend thanks to amazing friends though! and yesterday I took the trash out for the first time since living here lol. Lance usually does it. I felt incredibly independent but i can't wait for him to be back lol.

 That's it for today! Tomorrow night I will get in the habit of writing every night! I need routine so bad!

first day

so today is my official first day. dropped lance off and now i can start the countdown til he comes home. i am doing this from my phone though so tonight i will make an officialy post.